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Whirlwind147ParticipantHi Anita,
So i eventually sent the message yesterday to this ex and she did respond understanding but also listed how she wanted to build things etc. By this point i had to make a decision and told her i just needed time to work on myself rather than saying there was someine else. Feel a bit guilty but i know this other person is a better match to my values and is a better prospect all round. I feel a bit silly going back to this ex and then 2 weeks later ending things but i didn’t really feel the same and i suppose we learn through experience as its the first time I’ve tried going back to an ex. I just didnt feel i could trust her having been so vague about what she wanted and felt she would likely break me again.
A lesson from a quote i once read “never go back to what broke you”. Thanks for your support anita and hopefully time will tell if i made the right call. Right now it feels so.
Whirlwind147ParticipantHey anita,
So i went on that date today and she was great. We have similar values, conversations flowed and want to meet up again.
Given the fact there is no commitment coming from this ex i am going to follow people’s advice here and stick to my values and tell her it’s not what i want.
Does the following sound ok as a message? I haven’t heard off her for 4 days which says a lot anyway.
Hi ……..,
I hope you’ve had a good week.
I have been thinking a lot about the situation with us the last few days and if I’m honest, as much as i thought i was ok with being casual I’ve learnt through the experience that I’m not in truth.
I’m finding it very difficult to not get attached from being intimate with you when in reality there is no commitment.
Given that you’re at a stage in your life where you are unsure of what you want and cannot commit to anything, i feel its best to leave things for the time being until you have clarity on what you want.
I am very grateful for you taking the time to listen to me over the last few weeks and spending time together. I just don’t want to risk getting hurt again which is very possible in the current situation and I’ve learnt i need to have commitment.
I am here anytime if you want to talk and if your current situation changes.
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Whirlwind147ParticipantAnita i think you are spot on. Its partly my fault because i agreed and said i was quite happy to take things slow and casual to begin with as i wanted any opportunity to try and make a go of things but now i maybe regret that having spent time with her. Now I am left with being in limbo about what is going to happen, is she genuinely hoping it works out or using me for a bit of fun.
I did challenge her last week to ask if it was monogamous and she said definitely which is encouraging, however i am not convinced if i am honest whether she see’s this long term. For example last week i ended up seeing her two children again and we spent a few hours together which was great fun but she then said the next day she regretted it and for the time being to come over when the kids are in bed as she doesn’t want them getting attached if it doesn’t work out. I completely understand that point of view but why do it in the first place. Also she said last week she doesn’t want things happening too soon all over again and don’t assume we will definitely get back together etc so that i don’t get hurt and so on. I get that but what concerns me is that’s all negative talk rather than a positive. She is either being genuine playing things out a few weeks to see how she feels or just happy having fun and i have to set my own boundaries now.
It’s sort of made me lose a bit of respect for her if i am honest as she is a strong character generally who knows what she wants and i think its a fear because she has had a lot of poor relationships in the past. I often think could it always be the male that is the reason or is it her patterns that effect her previous relationships. She knows that she would be letting a very good guy go who really does care for her but i wouldn’t be surprised at this point if she rejects me again. In the meantime i am not getting my hopes up and will meet this new person on Friday.
Whirlwind147ParticipantHi Anita,
Back in 2015 there were a few issues, i wan’t long out of a marriage and she had just embarked on a college course that was taking up all of her time plus if i am honest i was quite needs and intense.
The reason i went back and approached her around 10 days ago is my feelings are still strong for her and i have worked in myself to a point where i feel we could have a go at hings now where timing is much better for both of us. She has acknowledged my changed behaviours which is great. I think what’s happened here is that she’s has so many men that’s disappointed her she’s lost faith. She said to me that she doesn’t have a boyfriend and she is quite happy that way at the moment.
She was happy for us to be casual for a bit whilst she works out what she wants etc but the lack of commitment worries me is she just using me for intimacy basically. The chemistry has been great but i can’t help but feel is it all ‘not real’. My mind is saying give her time to work it out but at the same time i am not prepared to held to ransom for months and months. Granted its only 10 days but i’m thinking 4-6 weeks is more than enough time for her to decide. At the same time this new person has got in touch and is very keen to meet me and i am edging to cut my losses and meet her this Friday just to see what we think of each other. Whilst the ex is indecisive then my thoughts right now is i have nothing to lose as effectively i am single and not committed to anyone. I like the idea of Inky of telling the ex whilst she is deciding i will continue dating but that may well only hurt my chances of making it up with her. I am just not comfortable with the ‘I don’t know what i want’ is that a cop out? Scared of commitment etc? I really do love the woman but this indecision has made me turn a little towards is she really worth it.
Whirlwind147ParticipantI can resonate with your feelings although my story is slightly different. I ended a 7 month relationship last week, mainly because i just didn’t feel it was right for me and timing was not ideal. She was heartbroken but i had to be true to myself and the reason i didn’t feel the pull to her is due to my failed relationship over a year ago that i never gave time to recover from. I bounced straight back into dating and it has taught me a lesson as i have not felt emotionally myself ever since which is unfair to any partner i’m involved with.
In your case she was not ready just like me and you have made the right decision even though it hurts like hell as she needs time to process her thoughts and feelings and you deserve someone that is 100% committed and emotionally available. I currently feel a lot of guilt as i am sure you may do but when we look at it logically, its for the best as it always needs 2 people in tune with themselves and wanting the same things.
I have learnt the hard way and will not enter another relationship until i am completely happy with myself and ready. Timing really is everything and you’ve done the right thing given the situation. This pain will pass.
March 14, 2017 at 5:50 am in reply to: Still struggling hard 3 months after breakup. Why can't I let her go? #139419Whirlwind147ParticipantHi Josh,
I felt the need to reply as i have gone through and still go through some similar emotions to you. I had a breakup just over a year ago that i have found difficult to move on from and actually having a couple of short rebounds afterwards actually didn’t allow me to properly heal from the situation which i have now learnt.
I also had the urges to send that email / letter / one last conversation etc but still haven’t broken contact for a number of months and now that i am in a new relationship i have to let it go. The fact is, we need to have respect for ourselves, they made a decision to leave and if they cannot see the good in you then they don’t deserve you. There are plenty of women out there that would appreciate you. I too setup dating profiles and was not the most confident in communicating but this is a chance to grow and learn for yourself and my advice would be to just be yourself as you are clearly a decent bloke with the right intentions at heart. What i would say is the need to find a woman to be married and have children by 35 is putting way too much pressure on yourself. You need to be happy in yourself and at the right time things will come to you. Relationships are not black and white and we all have different experiences and knock downs that we need to rise from. 5 years is a long time and i am sure things will happen for you if you persevere.
Heartbreaks make us stronger and help us to learn and grow, even a year on for me i still think of an ex daily, albeit just thoughts and not all the time during the day. It does get easier and i am working on acceptance myself as i am now in a better relationship with someone who matches what i desire in a partner. If she really was the one for you she would still be there and wouldn’t have walked away. You deserve and will get a better partner in the future.
March 5, 2017 at 8:37 am in reply to: I'm in a new relationship but still miss my Ex terribly :( #135945Whirlwind147ParticipantI do see similar themes to my issue also and what helped is anita saying you have to spend your energies on the healthy relationship. You can still love and let go of that ex who may have had great chemistry but clearly as u admitted was not the life partner the new person is.
Its hard and i know it myself but keep battling away and realise u need to be mindful that you are exactly where you need to be right now with somebody who fits what u need not what u crave.
Feel free to message me its always better to get it off your chest. I felt same about my ex but in reality i know my current is the right person amd better fit. My problem is wanting to fix broken things which meant i was focusing on the broken not the healthy relationship.
We can do this
March 3, 2017 at 11:44 pm in reply to: I'm in a new relationship but still miss my Ex terribly :( #135755Whirlwind147ParticipantHi David thanks for getting back to me. It is frustrating when you want to move on from this past relationship. Can i ask are you still with your current girlfriend?
Anita made a good point to me when i admitted i have a trait to want to fix things in general anf because of this i am trying to fix a broken relationship in my mind instead of focusing on the new healthy relationship. I also can track back to suffering rejection from my dad as achild which could be partly why i struggle with this situation.
A posted called VJ just sent me this on my forum discussion which may help:
you still have the energetic cords (ties) of attachment with this person. These cords are invisible since they are at an energetic level. They are also called as psychic ties.
All you have to do is cut the energetic cords of attachment to get it out from your head so that you can be fully present.Please go through the below links to know more on what it is and what to do-
(http://ascendedrelationships.com/cutting-energy-cords/)(http://www.soulconnection.ca/cord-cutting.html)
Calling upon Archangel Michael with his golden sword is a very famous way of cutting negative cords-
(http://www.nikkiboruch.com/how-to-cut-energetic-cords-with-archangel-michael)There are many ways of doing this. Simply do a web search on “cutting energetic cords of attachment”
Also if you prefer something visual then there are lots of videos on YouTube too.
Whirlwind147ParticipantThank you VJ this is great and will definitely look at those resources
Whirlwind147ParticipantThanks anita your words and guidance are appreciated. Time to live in the present and refocus my energies to those that matter right now
Whirlwind147ParticipantAlso another trait i have is i tend to want to fix things when in my perception they need to be fixed instead of learning to let it go and having acceptance. Thats been the hardest part for me.
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This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by
Whirlwind147.
Whirlwind147ParticipantAnita i think you are spot on. I purchased the letting go resource today and had a good read and it definitely helps. I wouldn’t want to jeopardise what i have now because when i analyse it i have a stronger relationship with the same aspirations.
Think it was also my first real heatbreak as an adult and the rejection really hurt. However i know i must pull through it and show more gratitude for what i have right now.
Thanka for your assistance.
March 1, 2017 at 4:56 am in reply to: I'm in a new relationship but still miss my Ex terribly :( #131881Whirlwind147ParticipantHi David,
I am curious to know how you are getting on know with this? Have you made progress and are you still with the current partner? Your story is almost identical to what i have been going through. I dated someone for 6 months which she ended a year ago and i am still struggling with some cravings to try and go and talk to the ex even though she has made no effort to approach me at any point. We have had the odd text on her birthday but that was it. I am in a new relationship for last 6 months and similar to you she is prettier, more understanding and we get along much better but i just struggle to get rid of these thoughts of wanting to try and resolve the past.
Any advice or tips on how you have coped. I have just started some counselling sessions to try and be more mindful with my thinking patterns.
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This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by
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