Hi Mer mer,

Sorry about your loss. I can only imagine being a single parent, let alone being a parent myself. I can’t really give you any practical advice based on being a parent, but I can give you some perspective as a child from a pretty much single parent home (not very involved father, so it felt more like a mom + bro combo type family). Please take care of yourself, be the example for your boys. They will learn a lot from how you maneuver through life. If you have any family or other type of support system like friends, don’t be afraid to ask for help.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself, all your boys can really ask from you is to try to do your best. No one is perfect. Life is not perfect. Just keep at it. 🙂

Lucia

Hi Amber,

Sometimes people misinterpret what we say. I struggle with this miscommunication with my mom almost on a daily basis and we get into arguments over it. I find that sometimes you need to re-word what you are trying to say because sometimes people can understand your message with different words. I know it can be annoying at times, but like Buddhist Wife suggested to park your emotions.

Communication isn’t just about the actual words, it’s also the intonation and the delivery. Even when you are upset, just take a breath, and slowly and calmly explain yourself. It’ll probably take some practice, but just like anything else, it’ll get easier with time.

I hope that helps!

Lucia

Hi Carl,

I think this principle is in-line with the whole “fake it till you make it” kind of deal. I don’t think that you can be a poser for trying to be happy again. I think it is true and it works to act happy and you will start to feel happy. It will take time, it isn’t instantaneous. Think of what you love to do and go out and do it. Make a list of things that make you smile. Start small and things will snowball, and you’ll be one happy guy.

Just because you are depressed and anxious now, doesn’t mean you are always going to be depressed and anxious forever. Now is the time to find ways to “deal” with it, find healthy habits to help you get out of it, especially in the future. You will get to be who you are meant to be, this doesn’t mean you are poser during this time of change. In all honesty, you won’t be the same person you came into this time when you come out of it, well that is if you choose to learn and grow from this situation. I know I have changed from a year ago.

Don’t worry about what other people think, just do what you need to do. 🙂

It will get better! I promise! 🙂

Lucia

Hey Carl,

Sorry to read that you’re having a tough time. I know it’s exhausting trying to be everything to everyone. I had tried to do what you have done and be everything to everyone. I can definitely appreciate and agree with what Aly has given you for advice.

I think it’s great that you are taking time for yourself to move and experience how others’ live. You aren’t doing anything wrong Carl. Can’t be hard on yourself or compare yourself with others, some people are better at hiding what is really going on with them. I think you have found what is stopping you in your tracks, the depression. Depression is not an easy thing to overcome. There are plenty of people out there who are suffering from it, just on different scales and with variations of it. The key question is: what do you want to do about it? Not everyone is ready to ask for help with depression, but are you?

There are no quick-fixes for your situation. It will take time and patience on your part. You will have good days and bad days. Imagine your best friend came to you and asked you for your advice about this, what would you tell him or her? This is what you should tell yourself. Be your own best friend, love yourself and be there for you. You are already on your way Carl, you have already said what you don’t want, now is the time to make those changes for yourself and be who you want to be.

I still find myself struggling sometimes, but I have come to realize that I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got, and that is all that matters. 🙂

I hope you find some peace and love for yourself.

Lucia

Hey Adam,

I still struggle with the need for acceptance from time to time, and when I do, I now say to myself “Does it really matter what they think? No, not really.” Sounds like you may be lacking your self-confidence and even self-worth, take some time and learn to love yourself. You gotta remember: No one is perfect, absolutely no one. You don’t even need to be perfect, we all constantly learning. Life is a journey. Go out there and enjoy the things that bring you happiness.

It’s not going to be a “do-it-once and it’ll be fix” type of deal, you’re going to need to take one day at a time to get into self-love and self-care. If you ever find yourself going back to the negative thoughts, just ask yourself: “What would I tell my best friend in this situation?” What it ultimately comes down to Adam, is you gotta be your own best friend and cheer leader. Once you’ve gotten back into the groove of things with your self-love, the confidence and all that other great stuff like self-esteem starts trickling in, in spades!

Keep at it Adam! You can do it! 🙂

Lucia

Hey Oskari,

Everyone who has replied to you has given you really practical and great advice. I’m really sorry this happened to you. This happened to me almost a year ago. 5 year relationship, but was always long distance. I really understand how you feel, however cutting off all contact is probably the best advice anyone has ever given me. 5 years is a long time and having had a hard time in a new country, of course you would think of the person that made you happy. Now is the time to focus on yourself and other aspects of your life. Take the time to start loving yourself, it is time to be your best friend. Just think of what you would have told your friend if this happened to them? Apply it to yourself. What do you enjoy? Go out and rediscover, or better yet discover what you like! Go hang out with friends, go out and meet new people!

What I’ve learned over this past year was when you are apart from someone, you can’t grow together and you both will change. Relationships are about learning about yourself and what you want in your potential partner, you grow with each relationship you have. Basically you are getting ready for your “meant-to-be” partner. Cherish the good times you had with the person, but don’t dwell in them. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there and some days I go back there. It’s a journey definitely, but each day that goes by it gets a little easier.

As for running into her and her new man, can’t say I’ve encountered my ex yet, but just be calm and focus on being present. Don’t think about how to act or react when she is around, just be patient. You don’t need to say anything to her. Go about your day like any other day. I know it’s going to be hard, but be patient with yourself.

Just putting it out there: what will change for you if you do have the opportunity to talk to her about what happened? It might be like ripping a band-aid off if you do talk to her about it.

Remember what you decide to do in the end is really all up to you, but please be kind to yourself. You’ve got to be your own number one fan! I’ll be rooting for you! Keep your chin up.