Hey Anita – Here goes. Bear in mind he is very much a closed book so getting info was very hard. He once made a comment once about he didnt agree with the way he was treated / raised as a child (I was quite shocked by this and tried to explore, but he got quite agitated and shut the conversation down. He said he wasnt abused.)

What he has said about his mum? She used to be a model, but then became a stay at home mum. She home-schooled him and his brother (i personally think this was more about control than a ‘need’ to do this.. he said she enjoyed it but it meant he didnt have many friends and then was different when he joined at about age 10) He mentioned that she used to have a loving relationship with his dad but the love died and just before she died, told my ex she was very lonely. I think this bred a very close relationship between them because she sought love from her son moreso than your average woman, in replacement of closeness with her husband (sorry – thats not objective is it!). She also doesnt talk to her oldest child – his brother – as his brothers wife didnt like his mum and found her overbearing. She disallowed his mum any contact with her only grandchild. His mother very much played the victim but i dont think Dan and his family saw it like that – it was just like “there’s an issue with brother and his wife, they are being unreasonable” etc.  No accountability accepted. For example, they told his family not to send a christmas card etc and she sent one – the police then came round and told her she’d be reported for harrassment. She blamed the wife for brainwashing her oldest son.

His dad was a manual worker, out all day earning a crust. Possibly cheated earlier in their relationship. There was a lot of tension from what i witnessed with what his mum wanted vs his dad. His mum wanted to move house, his dad didnt seem fussed. She took control of things – not just finances but social engagements. She had very little friends and both parents didnt seem to have anyone but each other. His mum was more engaging, his dad more awkward, almost in her matriarchial shadow. He wasnt a very emotional person until she died – but since has reverted back.

His brother tried and failed at the sport thing, hence Dan doing it and excelling. He has been successful in his field and i think his mum thrived off of this. She wasnt a horrible person but definitely ‘reactive’ so for example, if she was told she had to do mobility exercises for a bad circulation issue, she’d rather moan about not being able to get about, than get on with the resolution. Very much ‘victim’ which is one thing i definitely think has been passed on. Dan would not think for one moment, he has f*cked things up but he could also make them right. He would sit and dwell and moan and say ‘poor me’…. i am more a ‘lets see how we can fix it’ type person..

When his dad found out about his infidelity, he was apologetic and said things like “i dont know what he is playing at” and “i am going to have a stern word with him.”  But in reality, his dad is late 70s and has little control / knowledge. Dan lives literally next door to his parents home, so has to be quite deceptive with entertaining – hence his dad catching him with air hostess.

Hmm what have i missed?  They did stuff as a family in their later years or the years i knew them. UK breaks etc but it seemed very much like they were reliant on Dan for fun / entertainment.  I think actually when it was thir wedding anniversary, his mum expected (not his dad but) Dan to be providing the celebration which i thought was a bit odd. Maybe thats just me? But i think she actually said ” what are you doing for my anniversary”

Any thoughts welcome – maybe i have the odd family dynamic and the above is normal.

xx.

If you believe that Anita… then it’s helpful. You have a lot of wisdom about childhood and I wondered about present challenges and how / if they influenced someone’s behaviour – from your  perspective x

Thanks Little Bee! I am glad we have comradeship in our pain together and it is amazing how an absolute strangers opinion helps so much on such complicated issues. (Some would say not complicated and i for one, would have never thought i would have EVER entertained a cheater!). That said, i also didnt think i would be bothered by redundancy and it really upset me. What we think we would do and what we do do, are sometimes different.

I am glad my story helped you in some way to understand your own situation. As you said – we’d never wish it on people but knowing you are not alone, that people ‘get’ it, adds a bit of comfort.

I agree with your comment “It’s for him to figure out why he is the way he is, and for his current gf to find out herself that he’s a no good piece of crap. None of that serves you or helps you move on.” I have spent so much time thinking about this but now i know he is now intending to (further) and in fact already has (with me – last year) cheated on her… it actually kind of makes it easier. Thinking she was his ‘golden goose’ was horrendous – she is younger and thinner than me – given he wore me down so much, this was hard to accept. But now i know he could have the most beautiful person inside or out and he doesn’t value it – kind of helps me to accept it. I am sorry that your ex went on to marry but that said – he still cheated – so what did she get out of it? Either an unhappy marriage or one based on lies!

You mention “raking through the past and planting imaginary conversations and stories in your head” – i have been there so many times. Questioning times, when he said he loved me – was that a lie? Was he really having a good time when we did this, that the other..   Likewise that “tiny emotional pull that hopes he has finally realised that I am THE one)” is still there for me but actually why do we want validation from someone so damaged and disrespectful?? Its crazy isnt it!! Like Inky said above, its almost about ‘winning’ or being ‘the one’ because probably for a while, to us, they were “Our one” that we would have done anything for.  I can see, with hindsight, that i did ignore the signs, but at the time i felt i was giving him a chance – only for him to ruin it not once but twice, three, four times. Its almost like (visualising) being run over – but then the person reverses back over you, then runs over you again (rinse and repeat x 10.)

I like your idea of repeating a mantra – anything to stop the noise of thoughts that are unhelpful. I think mine will be ‘i am ok, i am strong’.

I think he will try to reconnect again… because he wants adoration or a back up plan. I definitely cant be going backwards emotionally. Seeing him cheating on his now GF (in my mind – still ‘my place’ – MUST stop thinking that) with someone else – as he no doubt intends to – its somehow made me realise just how low he is.

Stay strong with your ex calling. I think you know what he wants- to play the power / ego game. To see if he is still on the xmas list kind of thing. Don’t wonder about him, if you can just tell yourself that was his moment of weakness but you will not break. You will not undo all of your good work so far.  Promise yourself to drown out the “possible scenarios out in your mind”..

Unlike my ex, i am not going to enter into any relationship / quick fling / bunk up just now. I have had counselling too and see that as part of working on my lack of self-esteem and self-love. I wish to also set clear boundaries to make sure no-one is ever able to treat me like he did again.

You cant beat yourself up about the past… the kids he had behind your back… you can’t and could not control him. But you can control yourself, the choices you make and whether they’ll serve you or hurt you.  Don’t look back – you’re not going in that direction as my mum says.

I think fate has tried to tell me for a long time about ‘Dan”s behaviour – it was a sliding doors moment when i caught him in the supermarket (warning 1 of many), then to see the countless other suspicious things..  then fate was thinking “god i need to show this girl something more concrete – something she really cant ignore”).  So when it twigged the girl at the event was his ‘other gf’ – i was not even shocked. Just more disappointed.  I didnt cry as she burst into tears at the news, i was almost numb to it by that point.  My god have i cried since though. Tears wasted on such a waste of a man.

I feel like i have rambled but it was great to hear your thoughts, do come back and chat some more if you need to – it is helpful in ways i never thought possible. The internet can be a wonderful thing (as opposed to the instrument he uses to feed his cheating ways).  I long for the day when i have a partner that loves and respects me and these types of issues are not even on my radar… x

Anita – love the way you put your last person – it really resonated. I actually really disliked ‘Dan’ when i first met him. I said to my mum he is the type to be a ‘player’.  I then started to get to know him and the ‘glimpses ‘ came out and i assumed i’d misread a book by  the cover etc and pre-judged him. I didnt read my own red flags.  I think from thereon its been a mental fight between what i know (logic) and what i feel (emotion) and hoping that there was more ‘good’ in him that there was.  I think back to a 6 yr r’ship i had – which was beautiful and naturally ended – and there was never this ‘internal fight’. it was simple. with ‘dan’ it felt like a tug of war but i had many flags alerted to me during the time i just didnt want to see. I wanted him to be the good character he could be as opposed to the bad one he was…

I like that anaology. I still feel though his childhood is somehow excusing the behaviour. I could even understand a one night stand more than a full – fledged emotional r’ship. That takes effort, if it was just the thrill of sex i could understand (not forgive) that more.  Just to build that romantic and emotional attachment with me, then with her, now with whoever – to not then ever ‘commit’ – mind boggling. Maybe i am looking through a tinted lense and he has a 6 month commitment level (after that, and little do you know…. he is on to the next ‘goal’ or triumph. hmm..

See, i kinda think its a bit of a get out clause and i dont always think everything derives from the childhood school of thought. I dont really see how his dad motivates him to cheat (although i think his dad did cheat on his mum a longggggggg time ago). Anyway, i kind of feel actually maybe he is just selfish, greedy and lacks empathy / emotion to really ‘connect’ with anyone on anything more than a surface level.  Why does it need to be explained away by theories although i think what you said about him being confused, he doesnt know what he is doing etc is totally true. You can look at some of the most beautiful women in the world – Cheryl Cole, Beyonce – who i am sure are decent human beings and if they get cheated on, then what hope is there!  I actually think its more to do with the primal need to mate than him somehow trying to please his dad…

My next steps is try to maintain no contact. This guy has drained me, for so long, its not going to be easy because in a fairytale world – i would want to think he realised he made a mistake or regretted his actions. Regret or guilt dont seem to feature for him – not to a level that stops him doing the same thing over and over…

I appreciate your comment Anita – and any other contributors – sometimes you just cant see when something is toxic. You are drawn in like a moth to a flame… i might’ve been burnt but im not dead and i feel i can try to use this to create fresh boundaries and NEVER be treated like this by another human again xx

Gosh Anita  you are so right – i am so grateful for your insight, for some reason knowing you dont know me but can comment is really useful 🙂

Perhaps i did feel neglected, i certainly dont recall it like that but as you say, we repress memories and maybe it could be small things rather than one big event of neglect or abuse. I feel guilty even saying that as my mum and dad are both lovely and as an adult have been so supportive – emotionally and financially.

It is really sad, i kind of feel sorry him. He was home-schooled for a while – because of bullying but i also think his mother was over-bearing and definitely wore the trousers. The whole family doesnt speak to his brother because of a family rift. His mother  (i did meet her numerous times!) was a woman with strong morals but also excused his behaviour. She would say he was a ‘silly boy’ for cheating etc. She would reprimand him but he didnt see to care he was disappointing her – maybe because he always knew she’d excuse it.  He was clearly the ‘apple of her eye.’  His dad was a figure in the background – present but with no real influence over him or his brother, i dont believe anyway. I thought when she died it would have changed him… but it has made no difference…  he seems hellbent on seeking adoration / pleasure / thrill even though he has had a string of attractive & successful (and loyal) girlfriends.  He is definitely not emotionally healthy!   At one point (given his mum nursed her own mum until she died), his mum had suggested that her and her husband and ‘Dan’ look for a property with an annex, so (as they are in their 70s), ‘Dan’ could care for them in old age. I wasnt overly happy with this but viewed a few properties given they are an ‘all talk no action’ kind of family…  it never went anywhere and she died soon afterwards. There wasnt any ‘give’ with this arrangement – ie. we couldn’t have lived just near by, it would’ve been on his parents terms but he was indoctrinated by this ‘view’. For example, he thought it was absolutely disgusting my mum lives 100 miles away from her mum – she should really be caring for my nan in her old age… anyway i digresss

I cant help but take this personally but i try to remind myself he is not ‘right’ mentally and will never be happy x

B – i know, why wasnt it a deal breaker? How did he manage to convince me it was a ‘bad judgement call’ – if i was speaking to my friend i would be saying what you are to me.

I think the thing that infuriates me is that he is doing it again. And i am painted as the crazy one. I guess i have to believe in karma and focus my attentions on other things. Without sounding whingy- it seems unfair. He has continued his life, no pain, just lots of sex, fun and now a blonde air hostess to hang off his arm. Where is there any retribution in life!!