Hi Anita,

Thanks for the open door for me to come back anytime! Yes, I believe it is the conclusion of this thread.. this chapter in my life, unless somehow there are some developments.

But I will definitely come back here from time to time.. to update or to contribute where I can 🙂

Take care!

With a bright smile,

not_so_lost_star

Hi Anita,

Yes! The not_so_lost_star name is great to use and I welcome you to use it! I did not realise you were using it until “Mina” replied and it struck me that you were using it a few posts before that already. Chuckled to myself to see you used it right after we were talking about me not being a lost star anymore.

And indeed there is the other part of the world that is not so beautiful when distress is passed on to others and it does get quite disheartening too. But I also hope that I keep seeing the beauty and pass it on! I’m glad that you are smiling again too! Reminds me of the song pass it on..

I wish for you my friend, this happiness that I’ve found
You can come join in, it matters not where you’re bound
I’ll shout it from the mountain tops [how apt, you can shout from your mountain top!:)]
I want the world to know
The joy of friends has come to me
I want to pass it on

—

Another mini update.. my birthday just passed and I was wondering if my ex bf wld msg me.. n if he did what would he msg. and he did msg me but it was more a platonic wish.. in the sense tt we used to have a special term for birthdays.. and he did not use the term in wishing me (I used it when I wished him for his bday)..

and it gave me a reality check that he is making it clear that the past is the past.. and i guess i was looking for a signal from him that he is where i am.. that if he had used our special term.. perhaps he is also holding on? but i guess it is clear that he is not holding on and it is time that I do not hold on to the fantasy anymore.

although I was a little disappointed to see it being so platonic.. but in a way, i am also glad that he is clear and appropriate and did not lead me on. i thought it was once again consistent on his part that he does not give me any mixed signals and he is responsible not to give me any wrong ideas. which i am thankful to him for.. and i do find that he is a very decent man.

so yeah, it kind of gives me the final closure that it is clearly OVER and i should stop looking back and stop habouring hopes. and truly surrender 🙂

Hi Anita,

I cant help but laugh when you shared that you do live on mountain! So my imagery is quite accurate afterall – a wise lady tt literally lives on a mountain! What are the chances 🙂 it is a good thing in a way too that your connection is intermittent then you would have time to go on your walks and appreciate the beautiful mountain views!

Just like how I would also take breaks from shining and recharge myself too 😉

Smiled to myself when you shared on your smile yest too. The wise lady on the mountain smiles and the shining star in the sky smiles back too 🙂

A rather pretty imagery to me and a comforting one too. Feels so serene.

And I truly appreciate our interaction here!

Hi Anita,

Thanks for the clarifications! When I read your reply, I was worried you had picked up something I said that suggested I would still be inclined to save him. Worried cos I thought it might have been a blind spot of mine and whether it was some indication that I am still stuck in that cycle of wanting to rescue him! I am relieved to hear that it was not the case and yay that I still have your WOW! 😉

Actually it is also good that you brought up the point about if I had insisted on saving him then what the likely trajectory would be. It reaffirmed that what I did was correct then – to accept and respect his decision, exit his life gracefully and not beg or prolong the suffering. Somehow my intuition then told me to just leave gracefully 🙂 Although there were times when I wondered if I could have fought harder or convince him otherwise but I think like you have pointed out, it would not have ended well. At least when I exited his life gracefully, our relationship ended on a very beautiful note and we were able to keep the goodwill from the loving months we shared with each other.

On another note, wanted to share with you something my friend told me yesterday. I was sharing with her my growth since the breakup. (I also shared with her how wonderful you have been in helping me seek clarity!) She told me that she could see the difference in me and that she can see I am a more complete individual now as compared to before. She sees me doing things on my own and that I am more independent and living life my own way! I felt happy to hear that my growth was observable from a third party. Then we both said that actually the breakup was good in the way that it really pushed me to grow.

*on your unrelated note: It means sooo much to me to know you appreciated my input on the other thread! Thank you!! I am always apprehensive about disrupting your flow with the owners of the threads and whether it would take it to another direction from what you intended. I am glad it helped and I was happy and amazed to see how you brought the part on “reject” to a whole new level with the owner of that post! I thought it was so clever to use the definition of reject. And coupled with your rapport and trust with the owner, I saw how you helped to bring her forward on that theme 🙂  I was secretly cheering both of you on as I read the developments.

Hi Anita,

Your last post helped me to untie a lot of the knots that I felt in my heart and answers to the various questions I have been mulling over 🙂

Okay, thanks for validating that it is alright to have a hope and I guess you are right in saying that as of now, he is the “face” of what I envision in a loving, functioning relationship. He was the one who gave me the first experience/glimpse of what a loving, functioning relationship is like and thus it is strongly attached to the image of him.

Ahh, it is so true that he is abusive to himself and it would not be easy to watch him do that to himself and overtime it will be draining to me as well. I did also experience that in the time I was with him when I saw how he put himself through the family situation. And that was an interesting point that I am “similar perhaps to him feeling it would be wrong for him to run away from his family“. As much as I want him to step away from his situation, I should be saying the same to myself too.

I would certainly supplement my thoughts with “I would have helped him if it was possible. I wish I could help him. But I can’t.I would have helped him if it was possible. I wish I could help him. But I can’t.” And I know I would have helped him if it was possible. But I can only be there for someone who wants me to be there for him. So it is not like I am walking away from someone who needs my help. He pushed me away and it was not my choice to not be there for him.

Thanks for still thinking of our situations while you are away from the computer!

So yes, I think I just have to remember that it is not possible for me and him to have another chance to build a loving, functioning, win-win relationship, unless he has worked through his unjustified guilt. 

And what is in bold and italics is the crux.

It has to happen before anything else can happen.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for providing this safe space for me to air my thoughts and to seek clarity 🙂 I appreciate the welcome from you and for the time you take to read through what I posted again in order to help me seek my clarity too.

It meant a lot to me when you validated his good character (in that he is trustworthy and he is someone who tries as hard as he does) and also that my trust in him is reasonable! I guess I have this nagging concern if I am looking at things through my rose-tinted glasses and being too idealistic in my thinking.

And he really gave me no reasons to doubt him and it just tires and frustrates me when people hint otherwise at my “gullibility” or question what he said then. One of my wishes is probably to preserve that period of time I had with him without other people tainting it with their own judgement.

You know, reading through your latest post, I wish and I wish that I could show him your analysis of the situation because it is so true. I am not even sure if he has this clarity for himself (I highly doubt so) as he is too caught up in his situation. If only he can have this insight to his own issues, that may provide him some food for thought that may help him break away from his situation.

You are right that he has very heavy duty guilt which is super difficult to break away – unless he seeks therapy (which like you said he probably doesnt cos of the money involved which would be given to his parents/sister and given his heavy schedule, time would be a constraint too) or unless a miracle happens somewhat (haha).

And I also had the same guess that he probably overspend on games “as if saying: I want to have fun too! When is my turn to enjoy my money?” I also believe he has that resentment towards his parents but he feels it is wrong to have that resentment and thus he channels it to his sister instead. In his world, it is wrong to be resentful towards his parents and he is angry but that anger is turned inwards towards himself.

I also imagined that if we do get married, my money would be spent on his parents too. I was reading one of the recent posts by one of the forum posters who lent money to her inlaws and it became a frustrating situation. It really struck me that wow, that is a likely scenario I would land myself in if I married him when his situation remains.

Thanks for this reality check – “your choice in regard to a possible relationship with him, as I see it, is to suffer with him or … no, there is no choice. If you are in a relationship with him, you will suffer. His guilt allows nothing but suffering.”

You see that I would suffer with him, he also sees that I would suffer with him. And thus he let me go so I would not suffer with him. And I imagine me being in a relationship with him now would only add on to his guilt – that he is dragging someone along.

And I do not want to add on to his guilt.

Thus, us not being in a relationship is a win-win situation for both of us.

And what amazes me sometimes is really how well he knows me. He knows that I would gladly stay on in a relationship with him even if I am suffering. He knows I would be by his side and he knows I would make sacrifices to be with him. And he does not want me to do that. So he pushed me away in the hope that I would find my own happiness.

And I will Anita. I will find my own happiness.  Alleviating my own suffering is my way of carrying on his gift for me – his gift to let me not suffer with him.

At the same time, I wish for his suffering to be alleviated too. But I know I am not the person to alleviate his suffering. Once again, I felt the pain for him that he is going through this but like we have said earlier too, this injustice exist and we have to sit with it.

I find it such a pity that he is such a good man and we fit so well together and have good chemistry. He cares for me, he loves me and he has my interests at heart. I feel the same way for him too.

But yet, we cannot be together.

It just feels so tragic.