Thank you Yolo.

Knowing that there are other people who are going to similar situations, does reduce the loneliness of being alone in the struggle. The pain is usually the reason for speeding up the end. If one can avoid it, the end does not seem so near.

Yes, I am precisely looking for a feelings of a calm comfort, to replace the churning, subconscious and (to my mind) well-justified negativity. I am on a look out for windows-in-time of peaceful existence; they usually appear when I’ve properly slept or on pain relievers. At present, they are few, short-lived and extremely volatile. As soon as the calm is detected, a strict guard becomes necessary, as the factors/thoughts which can destroy the calm arise with slightest of triggers. Engaging in those factors is very easy and the mind does prefer effortless pathways even if they are harmful. It then becomes a full-time activity just to stay away from those factors and to prevent slipping; if any interesting activity such as studying is carried out, there inevitably occurs a blip of time being lost in the material and not being vigilant. This blip of time is enough for the factors to take over. At present, I work up some motivation to carry out a task, only to be beaten down by the guilt. The ‘feeling’ of motivation is then lost. This has been a constant struggle.

So, it is not possible, at least at present, to use the calm comforting periods for anything other than being on the look out for the predatory factors. Suppose that a period of calm, for as long as it lasts, is completely invested in being vigilant and doing nothing else. Then, does a point in time arrive when I can let go of being so attentive for those factors, and can actually accomplish the worldly tasks without my mind crashing me down? Does intense guarding of the mind help create new useful slopes into which it can slip and avoid the harmful ones?

I am not aware of how my current state came about – was it the repeated negative thoughts about guilt and anger, which must have begun initially to carve out a new slope into which the mind slips so effortlessly 2 years later? Since it is difficult to accept positive thoughts, does it mean that my mind naturally has an attraction for negativity? Otherwise, I would not have accepted the negative thoughts so easily.

It will be a difficult life, if most of the efforts of living it is spent trying to fight the negativity, with no hope of that fight eventually becoming effortless.