I know that I have felt being ‘wrong’, more than I have felt being ‘correct’. I do not know if this should matter, but it does to me, very intensely. My life has been a response, by the way of overcompensating, to the events/people which pointed out my faults (directly or through disapprovals, smart comments). I think I have a fundamental defect – I did not learn how to learn.

Thank you Anita. Come Thursday and I will be at the doctor’s I went to earlier for therapy and medication. The situation with my parents is understandable – they fought among themselves and have been separated for 12 years. I do remember every detail of a scolding/beating that I got because of my mistakes. I have come to conclusion that each such scolding has been etched in my mind, because it was accompanied by severe anxiety, fear and panic. I wish I were able to transfer some of those elements to my parents at that very moment to let them know about my internal turmoil. Since I had no one to compare my inner world with, I assumed that the extreme intensity of anxiety and fear in public situations (accompanied by increased heart rate, butterflies in my stomach and a full blown panic) is something everyone goes through, evidently, without much trouble and without becoming socially impaired, but I was unable to cope with such intensity, which further made me withdrawn and increased my shame and anxiety. No one knew how to handle this situation, except for forcing me to go out more, which only made the situation worse.

I have had disapprovals from men and women, and although I do remember those statements and scenes and I do feel affected by them to some degree, none hurt more than those meted out by women whom I did not know very well. These situations have always occurred around my speaking something which they considered inappropriate. I already have had trouble speaking since my childhood (I am the quiet, anaemic and fearful kid with thick glasses). The two opposing factors – trying speak in order to not remain silent, and then landing into a situation where, in hind-sight, the appropriate choice was to indeed remain silent – have me in a bind. Although people had pressured me to speak, they eventually ceased their efforts when they accepted me as I am. But, being in a customer service business, speaking less by default is a state which is causing constant anxiety and a pressure to perform. Any tiny or large situation or misunderstanding is magnified by my anxiety; the thought, that the result would have possibly been more positive had I been more outspoken, further increases my stress levels. I did take medication for anxiety and felt better, but that did not make me outspoken.

Here I go again, down the spiral, feeling guilty and sad for losing the approval of a random girl. Have I turned into a jerk who deserved the disapproval (and is deserving of more serious damages in life), or am I being an individual by acting in a way that attracts disapproval?

I realize I am assuming that it definitely was a disapproval, when it could be something else entirely.

I wonder why the actual, real approval and support from the nice people here on Tiny Buddha does not keep me happy, when an imagined disapproval is causing such havoc? …… Just after writing the question, I felt an immediate calm, a feeling of acceptance towards myself, and a feeling of gratitude towards you guys, lifting away my agitated state. I cried a bit.

Thank you Anita. I noticed that I felt better by just writing the post. I think I need someone with whom to share, though I am not in a position yet to mingle with others in person.

Yes, I understood the difference. I think my mind is unable to let go of the situation because it is convinced that *I* did/said something which annoyed her/put her off, and I am trying to find out what it was that I did, so that I can *fix* me (based on the last experience, this *fixing* could go to the extreme extent of quitting the job or even life). I also believe that the mental patterns carved inside, through my job as a representative who solves specific problems for others, have been so ingrained that until I find the fix, I cannot rest. Because of that ‘disapproval’, I am reminded of my problems; the mind goes into unrest until it finds a fix.

All the while that that scene plays in my mind, I feel miserable, but as soon as I am required to pay attention (to my job, etc., but not anything like movies which can remind me, directly or indirectly, of this event), I am free from the grip of obsession for at least some time.

I do not know if I do or do not project the thought that ‘I am deserving of someone else’s disapproval’. These feelings always arrive after the event has passed. My mind ruminates, obsesses, and attaches to the past events, even though it is harmful. I am in a situation where I do not know how to let it go. It is similar to being asked to not think about a purple elephant. My analogy is not accurate though, as the difference between the purple elephant and the event is that I am emotionally heavily involved in the event, while the purple elephant is something my mind can brush off very easily. I wish I were able to the just clear my mind at will. It is also not so much about clearing the mind as it is about the calming emotional effect such clearing has on me. I can also recognize the distinct difference in my emotional state once I become free.

Even if I say that her thinking was not about me, it is at the same level of thought as thinking that it was indeed about me. The difference, I think, is that the former will not drag me down while the latter will (and has been for as long as I can remember, lowering my energy, making me susceptible to extreme reactions over trivial matters). Should I not care about which one of the two is true? Or should I barge ahead and choose the option which benefits me, regardless of its truth value? What if in the future I find out that it was indeed a disapproval cast towards me?

I know of the wonderful experience, of which you speak. It was only once that I experienced it, a few days before the incident after which I started falling apart. The calm confidence that I had felt during that experience was completely washed away by the incident and the thoughts surrounding it.

To this day, almost 3 years later, I am in a position that I cannot go on. Any time I read or hear any statements like “Of all people” or “Of all places” or any such statements which single out humans or inanimate objects or ideas, my heart skips a beat and I can feel a blip of anxiety diluting my mental state.

“There is nothing wrong with me” is incorrect as there clearly is something wrong with me if my mind is so quick in pushing any experience or thought on to the wide highway which ultimately leads to reminding me repeatedly of the fact that “Of all the people” in the world I am the worst.

Years of inability to speak within myself has physically rendered me dependent on the words of others. Even when I try to speak within myself, my mind, anticipating that the meaning seems false, casts physical obstructions which prevent me from speaking. On the other hand, to experience the full range of negativity brought upon by the incident, no words are needed, although, they do intensify the experience.

I am angry that I had to go through hellish experiences while the person who opposed me is living a full, happy life – a further proof that I got what I deserved. They won in keeping the society clear of people like me. Given that my inability to speak has resulted in lack of inner voice, there is no choice in front of me but to believe their judgement and annihilate myself. I hate this world.

I am not sure if I do not know my emotions. The writing is more of an academic flavour and so must read as it does.
My mind will link almost anything I see, hear, read or think, to the incident which keeps me anxious and depressed every minute of the day. Only studying is the activity which has the potential to take my mind off of the persistent condition.

Although the environment was not suitable, instead of raising concerns, I adjusted myself. For e.g. the environment is generally noisy and my work (mostly studying) requires quiet. I believe it is the employer’s responsibility to provide the environment necessary for the skills that they have hired. Instead of raising these concerns, I adjusted myself – on certain occasions, I had to carry out double-duty (a night out) just to take advantage of the empty floor. Even though I spoke about this noisy condition, the answers that I get is along the lines of finding another job.

The “you of all people” term is particularly hurtful as it singles me out as the worst person among the 7 billion that inhabit the earth. “all people” = 7 billion people.

Anita, unfortunately, I do not understand. The reason for not choosing to write in the manner you spoke is deliberate. Writing of a text, with with too many instances of personal pronounce “I” does not seem appropriate to me.

If I had distanced myself from myself, should the other me not be happier? If there already is a distance, can it not be used to my advantage to make the other self a witness and dwell in it?