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LosingItAll

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #97878
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    I agree. I have avoided situations in the past because of the fear and panic arising when associating with people. In the present, I find myself getting angry if such a situation arises, and I would act out of that anger (seems my mode has changed to fighting). Not sure if this is worse or is just a stage before becoming better. Still, the learning needed is clouded because of the anger.

    #97748
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    I know that I have felt being ‘wrong’, more than I have felt being ‘correct’. I do not know if this should matter, but it does to me, very intensely. My life has been a response, by the way of overcompensating, to the events/people which pointed out my faults (directly or through disapprovals, smart comments). I think I have a fundamental defect – I did not learn how to learn.

    #97744
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    Thank you Anita!

    My situation was made worse by the medications which I had taken during the end of 2013 for another problem. My current life is now an effort to cope with the negative effects of that medication. I am very careful about them now.

    I was reading http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/why-silence-is-often-the-best-response-to-a-verbal-attack/
    I noticed a change in me, because of the current situation with that girl. I read that article, but instead of learning from it, I went deeper into my sadness. I identified with the room-mate in the article. Moreover, I also assigned the good qualities, which the author described, to that girl, while only collecting the disparaging feelings thinking that why could I not have been the author (or the girl), instead of being me (or the room-mate). I have become so sensitive, almost anything could push my buttons and I end up again in the same situations that I am desperately trying to emerge from.

    I know that if I continued to be affected by real or imaginary disapproval, I am bound to say something which is going to continue the same cycle.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by LosingItAll.
    #97629
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. Come Thursday and I will be at the doctor’s I went to earlier for therapy and medication. The situation with my parents is understandable – they fought among themselves and have been separated for 12 years. I do remember every detail of a scolding/beating that I got because of my mistakes. I have come to conclusion that each such scolding has been etched in my mind, because it was accompanied by severe anxiety, fear and panic. I wish I were able to transfer some of those elements to my parents at that very moment to let them know about my internal turmoil. Since I had no one to compare my inner world with, I assumed that the extreme intensity of anxiety and fear in public situations (accompanied by increased heart rate, butterflies in my stomach and a full blown panic) is something everyone goes through, evidently, without much trouble and without becoming socially impaired, but I was unable to cope with such intensity, which further made me withdrawn and increased my shame and anxiety. No one knew how to handle this situation, except for forcing me to go out more, which only made the situation worse.

    I have had disapprovals from men and women, and although I do remember those statements and scenes and I do feel affected by them to some degree, none hurt more than those meted out by women whom I did not know very well. These situations have always occurred around my speaking something which they considered inappropriate. I already have had trouble speaking since my childhood (I am the quiet, anaemic and fearful kid with thick glasses). The two opposing factors – trying speak in order to not remain silent, and then landing into a situation where, in hind-sight, the appropriate choice was to indeed remain silent – have me in a bind. Although people had pressured me to speak, they eventually ceased their efforts when they accepted me as I am. But, being in a customer service business, speaking less by default is a state which is causing constant anxiety and a pressure to perform. Any tiny or large situation or misunderstanding is magnified by my anxiety; the thought, that the result would have possibly been more positive had I been more outspoken, further increases my stress levels. I did take medication for anxiety and felt better, but that did not make me outspoken.

    #97609
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    Yeah, I think it is time to visit the doctor. I do not understand why I keep clinging to people, like this unknown girl, and continuing to try to win ‘her’ approval through conversations in my own head.

    #97385
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    Here I go again, down the spiral, feeling guilty and sad for losing the approval of a random girl. Have I turned into a jerk who deserved the disapproval (and is deserving of more serious damages in life), or am I being an individual by acting in a way that attracts disapproval?

    I realize I am assuming that it definitely was a disapproval, when it could be something else entirely.

    I wonder why the actual, real approval and support from the nice people here on Tiny Buddha does not keep me happy, when an imagined disapproval is causing such havoc? …… Just after writing the question, I felt an immediate calm, a feeling of acceptance towards myself, and a feeling of gratitude towards you guys, lifting away my agitated state. I cried a bit.

    #97380
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, Lsler. I think both of your points are applicable to me. Fear arising because of the (real or perceived) disapproval, and playing both the roles of myself and her in my obsessive thoughts.

    While playing myself, I feel justified in saying what I said. Then, I switch roles and again feel justified in thinking that it is proper that he-LosingItAll (or his behaviour) should be disapproved of by me-the-girl.

    (coming back to being my own self.) In this role-playing, the personality which ‘wins’ is always the other party’s and never mine, and I end up torturing the real me with anxiety and fear, by playing her. When being the ‘victim’, I feel fear of not making it in this life, or landing in deep troubles, or people not accepting me.

    I internalize the negative behaviour of others towards me, and play their role inside my mind, treating my real self as the object of their response. My own voice gets drowned. She may no longer be thinking about me, but she now lives on in my mind as a limited-scope, negatively-inclined entity. I think I have picked up several of such entities over the years. I believe this behaviour includes the projection Lsler mentioned – if LosingItAll were to do what she did, then LosingItAll would do it only when he felt disgusted/disappointed towards the her, as if it were she which spoke those words. It is also possible that this projection was learnt from one of the entities I keep in my mind.

    I want to remove this role-playing, or at least remember positive roles instead of negative ones for starters. The problem with me is that I am unable to speak words inside my mind. The above behaviour of role-playing occurs in the form of a silent-movie running inside my mind. As soon as the picture emerges, my state of mind is diluted with anxiety and anger; no words involved. I am unable to permanently erase the movie. I am not sure if people can relate with this manner of thinking (or if it is a labelled, medical condition).

    #97325
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I noticed that I felt better by just writing the post. I think I need someone with whom to share, though I am not in a position yet to mingle with others in person.

    Yes, I understood the difference. I think my mind is unable to let go of the situation because it is convinced that *I* did/said something which annoyed her/put her off, and I am trying to find out what it was that I did, so that I can *fix* me (based on the last experience, this *fixing* could go to the extreme extent of quitting the job or even life). I also believe that the mental patterns carved inside, through my job as a representative who solves specific problems for others, have been so ingrained that until I find the fix, I cannot rest. Because of that ‘disapproval’, I am reminded of my problems; the mind goes into unrest until it finds a fix.

    All the while that that scene plays in my mind, I feel miserable, but as soon as I am required to pay attention (to my job, etc., but not anything like movies which can remind me, directly or indirectly, of this event), I am free from the grip of obsession for at least some time.

    I do not know if I do or do not project the thought that ‘I am deserving of someone else’s disapproval’. These feelings always arrive after the event has passed. My mind ruminates, obsesses, and attaches to the past events, even though it is harmful. I am in a situation where I do not know how to let it go. It is similar to being asked to not think about a purple elephant. My analogy is not accurate though, as the difference between the purple elephant and the event is that I am emotionally heavily involved in the event, while the purple elephant is something my mind can brush off very easily. I wish I were able to the just clear my mind at will. It is also not so much about clearing the mind as it is about the calming emotional effect such clearing has on me. I can also recognize the distinct difference in my emotional state once I become free.

    Even if I say that her thinking was not about me, it is at the same level of thought as thinking that it was indeed about me. The difference, I think, is that the former will not drag me down while the latter will (and has been for as long as I can remember, lowering my energy, making me susceptible to extreme reactions over trivial matters). Should I not care about which one of the two is true? Or should I barge ahead and choose the option which benefits me, regardless of its truth value? What if in the future I find out that it was indeed a disapproval cast towards me?

    #82096
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    I hope that I again have that experience, although my present state of mind is disturbed because of continuous friction caused by opposing thoughts – if I see myself from that employee’s perspective, I am not eligible to work for this employer, having said what I said. Is this belief wrong? Am I being too hard on myself?

    On the other hand, I am still providing services to them and this reminds my mind, every second of every day, of the incident. I am able to see that I am drifting away from other ‘normal’ people, in terms of the types of thoughts. If they hear my thoughts, they would probably call me crazy and yet, these thoughts to make sense to me. I am stuck in the past because no resolution has been reached about this situation – I remain in a persistent state of agitation and guilt, looking for a relief which cannot be had if I hold both the opposing thoughts at the same time. Or at least, I do not know to it can be had with holding those thoughts simultaneously.

    I was unable to sleep last night, as my mind continued to replay the incident again and again, and every time I ended up with the conclusion that I must leave this job, even when I have nothing else queued up in the line ahead. I have wasted a *LOT* of energy behind this situation in the past 3 years and I am now left with very thin mental resources to take up any tasks which come easily to the people who have not been in, or have been able to remove themselves from, such situations. I do not know what I did wrong.

    I will try to look for a CBT.

    #81530
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    I know of the wonderful experience, of which you speak. It was only once that I experienced it, a few days before the incident after which I started falling apart. The calm confidence that I had felt during that experience was completely washed away by the incident and the thoughts surrounding it.

    To this day, almost 3 years later, I am in a position that I cannot go on. Any time I read or hear any statements like “Of all people” or “Of all places” or any such statements which single out humans or inanimate objects or ideas, my heart skips a beat and I can feel a blip of anxiety diluting my mental state.

    “There is nothing wrong with me” is incorrect as there clearly is something wrong with me if my mind is so quick in pushing any experience or thought on to the wide highway which ultimately leads to reminding me repeatedly of the fact that “Of all the people” in the world I am the worst.

    Years of inability to speak within myself has physically rendered me dependent on the words of others. Even when I try to speak within myself, my mind, anticipating that the meaning seems false, casts physical obstructions which prevent me from speaking. On the other hand, to experience the full range of negativity brought upon by the incident, no words are needed, although, they do intensify the experience.

    I am angry that I had to go through hellish experiences while the person who opposed me is living a full, happy life – a further proof that I got what I deserved. They won in keeping the society clear of people like me. Given that my inability to speak has resulted in lack of inner voice, there is no choice in front of me but to believe their judgement and annihilate myself. I hate this world.

    #81440
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    I have felt being singled out for the most of my life. Very few friends, afraid of people and ashamed because of being quiet, malnourished, anaemic and bespectacled. The society seems to enjoy calling names to such people.

    Any fault of my own, whether real or perceived, whether small or big, would hit me with guilt and anxiety.

    I remember my kindergarten day, when the audience laughed at me when I failed to speak the dialogues of a play.

    When I first played volleyball (middle school), my mistake cost my team a point and they shouted at me. Since there were more students than can be accommodated in the team, the rule was to remove the member (me) and bring in a another one standing by- in a round-robin fashion. I went out, but never returned. Every time we were out to play, I would sit on a bench and watch, afraid to join and afraid that the PE teacher would catch me not playing, and punish. This is the normal situation – being stuck and undecided because of fear.

    There was not much money growing up, so the habit was to deny my share for as long as possible, so that the others in the family can partake of it.

    There isn’t a single, original guilt; or if there is, I do not remember. I suspect that I was, since the beginning, a defective piece – both physically and mentally; else I would not have to go through such anxiety and fear. I do not think everyone experiences them as deeply as I did even in those early years.

    #81387
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    I am not sure if I do not know my emotions. The writing is more of an academic flavour and so must read as it does.
    My mind will link almost anything I see, hear, read or think, to the incident which keeps me anxious and depressed every minute of the day. Only studying is the activity which has the potential to take my mind off of the persistent condition.

    Although the environment was not suitable, instead of raising concerns, I adjusted myself. For e.g. the environment is generally noisy and my work (mostly studying) requires quiet. I believe it is the employer’s responsibility to provide the environment necessary for the skills that they have hired. Instead of raising these concerns, I adjusted myself – on certain occasions, I had to carry out double-duty (a night out) just to take advantage of the empty floor. Even though I spoke about this noisy condition, the answers that I get is along the lines of finding another job.

    The “you of all people” term is particularly hurtful as it singles me out as the worst person among the 7 billion that inhabit the earth. “all people” = 7 billion people.

    #81262
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    Am unable to shake away the feeling that I was taken advantage of in my work environment; instead of speaking up I buckled down to their environment which was clearly harming my ability to concentrate.

    #81183
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    Anita, unfortunately, I do not understand. The reason for not choosing to write in the manner you spoke is deliberate. Writing of a text, with with too many instances of personal pronounce “I” does not seem appropriate to me.

    If I had distanced myself from myself, should the other me not be happier? If there already is a distance, can it not be used to my advantage to make the other self a witness and dwell in it?

    #80999
    LosingItAll
    Participant

    🙁 started replaying the scenario for probably a thousandth time. anger and depression rising. 🙁

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)