Well, the week is almost gone, did not hear from him since our last messages. I guess this is it.
But still makes me sad. I guess I’m just not good at judging people.

Dear Anita,

I can partly agree with you, but (at least for now) I don’t think he was dishonest. Confused? Pretty much.
I completely agree that he was sending mixed signals. What I meant with the joke about the oscar was, I don’t think he was acting. Acting would not involve talking about me to friends and family… and even introducing me to his best friend through video call. I do believe he wanted a relationship at first. He even talked about how could we make things work in long distance. And if I was willing to move to another country in a year or so. When he asked me to visit him, he also told me that no one ever was invited to his flat, not even family. They always stayed in a hotel. So it meant a lot probably.

This is why it was so confusing afterwards…  Because if he did not like me, we should not have slept together… (it happened more than once) I know intimacy is meaningful for him, too, or at least he told me so. I had only 3 long term relationships, no one night stands… but I guess women and men are not the same in this regard. Somewhere I read that men can’t think straight before sex, women after….  🙂 So true.

By the “closure” he meant that it was the first time they had a calmer discussion about ending things for good.  And that it also happened for the first time that he felt it is over and this is why he was physically incapable. He also told me that he is very much ashamed, and that it was indeed like cheating on me. – And this is why he is not ready, because he would never hurt someone intentionally. I think it is very much important for him, hence the last message…

Dear Anita,

I think what he meant by that is he caused me so much trouble…

I feel maybe it is true what Valora suggested, I could have been more patient, but being around him was too much for me. No matter how much I liked the others at the party, I just wanted to get away.

I see he misses our chats, wanted to share photos of a fox he took yesterday, but instead of sending it directly to me, he posted it to the group chat where I’m too.

This is going to be hard.

Dear Anita,

Yes, I sent it, and got my closure from him. Here is the answer:

“I’m very sorry. I was hoping its not that. I was naive to think the friendship would work out.
I’m very sorry, but if there is something missing, you can’t force it. I’m sorry I hurt you so much
in such a short period.”

Somewhere along the road I told him, I never regret when I open up my heart to someone – and I’m not going to start it with him. But this is exactly what I did in, and started to freak out.

Anyways… it is really hard to just dig down and let out how I feel without overthinking…

“Thank you for coming and picking me up, it was a really nice day.
It is though true, that I did not feel completely like myself. I felt hurt and awkward around you, being just friends. I really like our conversations, I really appreciated, that you came home just to see me, I loved dating you. I just like the person who you are, and I loved my more emotional side you brought back to life. It very much became clear to me, that I don’t see us being friends for now.
It was great getting to know you, and I wish you all the best from my heart. Take care.”

I really would love to ask your opinion. He sent me a text today, that he was really sorry that I went home earlier, and he was hoping that I would come back later in the evening when I was finished with my tasks… and he asked me if I have some problems, because he also felt that I was NOT being myself or comfortable yesterday.

Is it really a question one should ask? Isn’t it obvious? And if it is not -and I really don’t think he wants to be cruel here – should I somehow phrase that I feel hurt/sad…

Sorry for my mistakes, I’m not a native english speaker, plus I type really fast, and not always notice my mistakes.

I will wait with the answer just a little, otherwise I’ll act out for sure… or maybe it is not a problem anymore, it can’t be worse than that.

Dear Anita and Peggy,

Thank you for rooting for me. I just got home from the “party”, it was more like a family gathering, and I decided to come home a bit earlier. He came for me in the morning to pick me up, I felt my heart racing in my throat the whole time while there was just the two of us. I got presents from him: a coffee mug with a quote “you are so special”, he got it for me a week after we met when he went for a short trip to France.  (so at the time we were still “together”, or sort of) There is also a picture on the mug, having an “inside joke sort of meaning”, very intimate, which makes sense only to me.  And also a basket of fruits, because I told him a week or so ago that I would kill to have some fresh  pineapples and mango… I still don’t understand why didn’t he just throw the mug away. I gave him a friendly kiss on his cheek saying thank you, and pretty much that was it. It was soooo awkward…We had some small talk on the way, but I really just ignored him looking out the window, I was not prepared to hear any type of “lets just be friends” conversation. (which did not happen) I sensed he felt strange too. I’m sooo not ready to be friends. Don’t get me wrong… He is a nice person. He is very caring. I know his friends can count on him anytime. But I’m not yet ready for this.

I stayed for a good 6 hrs, I was talking with friends, grilling, eating, having fun. The cake turned out to be pretty good, everyone complimented and I had a great time. Then got away with some excuse that I needed to do some work, which is kind of true, but I could just postpone it.

He will stay here for a week, and we earlier agreed to go to some places, but that was before..
I guess for now I can’t do anything else but wait and while I do that, I have to really let go. I’m so very tired of analyzing his behaviour and words…
I had so many bad things going on this past year. My best female friend died of heart failure at age of 35, the very next morning after my birthday party in downtown…My male best friends father passed away this spring too, and I loved that man like my own dad. I had a surgery… I’m broke up with my ex boyfriend of 9 years…. I’m was just so happy and excited about this guy 2 months ago. I really feel sorry that it did not continue the way it started.

Thank you again for your patience with me. In real life I’m a very reserved person, when it comes to relationships. Especially when there are complications. I’m more like a listener for everyone, but never really tell about my own struggles. Sorry for the venting…

Thank you Peggy. It will be very awkward, as none of our mutual friends know that we have met… not to mention the rest of it. Anyways, I love them a lot, it will be a birthday party, and I made the best new york style cheesecake ever. I really put my heart and soul to it 🙂 We’ll see…