If you’re still around, Sofat, I’m glad you seem to have got something positive out of my comments. As you say, you still have hope – of course you do. Not with her, she is not good for you, but with someone else – yes! 🙂

Hi Anita

You say:

“The OP pursued (texting her) the student so frequently, that he/she interrupted her studies, and she asked him/her to stop texting her so that she can study!”

That is not what Sofat said; I think you have made too many assumptions. It’s also possible – perhaps Sofat will clarify? – that this was never a sexual relationship, he only ever mentions ‘chatting’ and perhaps that’s all there has ever been to it. It is possible that this ‘relationship’ has mostly happened in Sofat’s head. Also, he said he let her go but that she came back to him a couple of months later, admitting she had left him to look for someone ‘better’. She is not the innocent you make her out to be and, besides, the guy came here for help, not to be judged. Yes, we’ve established that he should not have pursued a relationship with this girl but, three years on, let’s look at the situation now. She is manipulating him and causing him pain and that is the problem that needs to be addressed without judgement, given that Sofat has trusted us with the details of his story and reached out for help.

Jan

Dear Janus

The first thing I must say to you is this: at 5′ 5″ height, 120lbs is by no means overweight and you should NOT be trying to reduce your weight further. Some guy calling you fat does not mean you’re fat. That’s just some guy getting off on making you feel bad, for reasons that exist in his head and have nothing to do with you or your weight. Ignore him, please. Otherwise, you could easily spiral downwards into anorexia.

You are entitled to your views on wicca, or on anything else come to that. Kids will pick on anyone who isn’t exactly like them (many adults are like this, too, sadly) and I would guess that they were kids that hardly had an idea or opinion or belief in their heads about anything and were jealous that you were more intellectually and spiritually developed than they were (or probably ever will be).

You sound overwhelmed, not least because of your demanding parents. It’s difficult, especially at your age, to not be beaten down by your parents’ requirements of you, I know, but try to tune them out a bit. You sound like an intelligent person with a bright future. You have many interests and some good friends. You have a whole lifetime to learn about all the things that you want to master, give yourself a break and don’t expect everything to happen right now (some things won’t happen at all, and that’s fine, you’ll lose interest in some of them anyway). And drop the idea of ‘perfection’, it doesn’t exist and the pursuit of it will exhaust and depress you. Don’t do that to yourself!

Hope this helps.

Jan

Dear Sofat

I don’t know which country you’re in but, in the UK where I live, 16 is the age of consent. Perhaps it is the same where you are? Therefore, I believe Anita is being too judgmental of you, particularly as three years have passed and this young woman is now 20. Even at 17 she was no child, but a very knowing and manipulative young woman. It was wrong of you to pursue a student, but you are NOT guilty of child abuse. Your attitude towards getting away with pursuing a student is not commendable, but the accusation put to you is without foundation and very harsh.

Jan

Dear Hatch

You have very good instincts about this man, your problem is that you don’t always act on them! 🙂

You were entirely right to break up with him, but it should have been a clean break. He was sleeping with other women five seconds after you moved into the spare room for a ‘break’ and looked at you triumphantly when it hurt you.

‘I remember seeing the look in their eyes, like they were almost happy I was that upset because it made them think that I still wanted them’

He was happy, happy to have hurt you. This guy sounds like a classic narcissist. Do some reading up online if the term is unfamiliar to you. When he said he hated you he meant it, at least in the moment. He hated that you saw right through him to the truth – that he doesn’t like himself. That is the problem with narcissists, they hate themselves and will do anything to hide the fact. And they take it out on you, the hapless person who tries to love them. Making you feel bad makes them feel good. Crazy, isn’t it?

You say you love him and yet you say you are unsure. That’s probably because he messes with your head so much that you keep second-guessing yourself. Again, lots of info online. He’s got you dangling on a string and you have to cut that string.

I’m so glad you’ve moved out and that your life is going well – good for you! But please stop being intimate with this guy and get him out of your life. Get your head sorted out and find someone worthy of you.

all the best

Jan

Dear Sofat

This girl is yanking your chain! Let her go, you should never have begun a relationship with your pupil in the first place and she is enjoying demeaning you with stories of the many rich men she can choose between (or thinks she can) who are ‘better’ than you. She doesn’t love you and it’s likely you don’t love her, you’re just infatuated with her beauty.

She sounds very narcissistic. You will never be able to build a loving, worthwhile relationship with her. All she wants is a rich man. Do you really want someone whose ‘love’ you have to buy? Marriage with such a girl would be very painful for you, she’s just looking for the proverbial meal ticket.

Be strong. Next time she calls, don’t answer. Or tell her not to call again. One way or another, it’s important to get this young woman out of your life so that you can look for someone with whom you can build a real, loving relationship.

This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but I really believe you have to let go now.

all the best

Jan

Hello Search

I’ve just joined and hope I can help you.

You know how they say that, if you chase a guy, he loses interest in you? Well, I think the same applies to friends and that you are ‘chasing’ your ‘friends’. Try not contacting them and, if they never close the gap and contact you, they were never really your friends and you should let them go and look elsewhere for real connection with other people. Don’t phone them on their birthdays, maybe send a card but, if they have not got in touch with you by the time their next birthday rolls round, don’t send another. Don’t contact them again, move on and find people who are more like you and who will be more than happy to be your friend, and in a reciprocal fashion.

You say ‘most’ of your friends treat you this way, which implies you have other friends who do not. Put your energy into them and forget the others. See those friends away from the ‘circle’ and set about making new friends, too. You are not a good fit with the ones who treat you so badly. Are they old school friends? Not all early friendships are meant to last, do not hang out with people who make you feel bad.

I know how hard it is to be in your situation, but clinging to people who don’t value you just damages your self-esteem. It is NOT that you have no value, just that you are trying to stay friends with the wrong people. The right people are out there, go find them. 🙂

I really hope this helps you.

Jan