The way I putit is confusing – but I wasn’t sexual with all of them at the same time. For me, I am generally monogamous by nature. I was referring to 3 different relationships. The first had a few sexual events – really that was what it was like in the five years I was in love with this man. It was more like a romantic friendship/creative partnership, that veered a couple of times into the sexual. It was a very complicated sort of relationship, that over time became simpler and simpler. It became simpler, when I became more secure in our friendship, and realized what the correct form that our friendship should take for us both to be happy.

The next was more of a friends-with-benefits situation which was overtly sexual, that turned into a business/creative partnership. For five years, I was crazy about this guy … and at certain points, yes jealousy would come up … but as time wore on, and I saw again, he and I were steadily in each other’s life – not just as bed-buddies, but friends and work-partners … and he didn’t seem to be interested in getting “serious” with anybody … it didn’t really matter what he did when he wasn’t with me. We never had that sort of relationship where we needed or wanted to answer to the other person. You don’t ask your friends what they are doing with every moment of their day. For the most part, when we were living in the same area, he primarily saw me, but would tell me of other women he would meet from time to time. Since I was fine with seeing him once or twice a week, and we usually spoke once a day or more … I didn’t really feel “neglected.”

I actually enjoy a feeling of missing a guy, or longing for them, when I love them. It makes me appreciate them more. I also enjoy my alone time, and find that when I spend a LOT of time with a person, and don’t have my alone time – where I don’t have to think about another person besides myself … I get cranky. I have so many different interests and things I like to do on my own – writing, design, practicing music, reading, etc … that being with someone all the time detracts from doing things I love to do. So truthfully, as long as a guy that I love, is treating me well when he is in my company, and keeps in touch regularly when we are not seeing each other, what he does on his own time is his own business. For me, out of sight – out of mind, but not out of heart.

The last guy – well I met him when I was seeing the second, but he and I were mainly friends, but the kind of friends that would talk for hours on the phone and confide everything to each other about our lives. A couple of times, including once within the last month – we ventured into the sexuality zone. The first time happened a couple of years ago, this entirely freaked me out, because I didn’t want to ruin a good thing (our friendship). I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship with him, or with anybody. Last time, it was just beautiful, but I still don’t see us as steady romantic partners.

I am not saying my experience is necessarily applicable to anyone else – but it has been from my experience – that true love is a lot more malleable than people want to believe it is. They want to put it in a box, a cage, and control it because of their own feelings of low self-esteem. I am not saying I don’t believe in life partnerships with one person … and that you can remain sexual with that one person … but love isn’t ONLY about sex. And when people are willing to throw away relationships because of sexuality … then they are demeaning all the other important components.

I think if I were to get married, I would prefer to have an open option – with the proviso that we were marrying each other because we desired each other as primary life companions, but not necessarily sole companions, depending upon each other’s capacity to satisfy each other’s needs. For instance, in my long-term engagement, in my mid-30’s, he was really demanding sexually, and also really wanted me to be with him ALL the time, to the point that I barely got to see my friends or work on my own projects without upsetting him. And I literally encouraged him to see a prostitute at some point. I said it in anger, but I wouldn’t have minded him giving me a break – without him needing to give me the details of why he wasn’t asking for sex 2 or 3 times a day.

I love sex, but I like it to feel special, and if it becomes a routine … ugh.

I don’t want to POSSESS love, because I hate the feeling of being POSSESSED or CONTROLLED. I want someone to be with me because of choice, rather than obligation. If we both know that we have the opportunity to be with other people but we choose to be with each other, and that we make that choice on a consistent basis … that is a bigger statement in my mind, than just throwing away the keys to freedom and saying that this is true love. True love cannot be contained or controlled.

I am a strange mixture of romantic and pragmatist. It makes me sleep better at night, at least.