Why does he need to apologize. First, you get an anxiety attack and don’t communicate that to him, then you bait him into failing- asking if you want to stay when you truly want him to come home with you. Secondly, you feel horrible for that and punish him for that feeling. Why? Own it! Your entire story is riddled with me, me, poor me, helpless drivel. He doesn’t know how to help you because you don’t communicate what is wrong with you. I am sure that you are in constant anxiety, and ashamed of it. by trying to mask it you alienate your partner from helping. You do this so when the eventual break up happens, which it will if you continue your behavior, you will have a nice excuse to why he wasn’t a good BF. A nice pretty wrapping to the real issue at hand- you’re anxiety.

“I don’t know if it’s because he doesn’t know how to help me or what. ” Did you tell him exactly what you need/want? He ain’t a mind reader. Test #2!

“When we got home I went to the bathroom and cried to let everything out and because I felt guilty, and angry because I felt like he was mad at me.” You feel guilty, so he is punished for that?

“He said he didn’t, but I don’t know if I believe him.” Are you even listening to him?

“He said he couldn’t leave me if I was crying. I told him it was ok ” Test #3! Really? you just really want him to fail. He will. Self-fulfilling prophecy in full effect.

“He is supposed to be there.” YOu just told him to it’s okay to leave…what if he thinks, i should give her what she wants?

Right now is the time you need to wake up. Print your post and let your therapist read. no sugar coating your stories. Because i see a hint of delusion in your events. I once had problems with anxiety due to PTSD and life failures. I got help, and overcame. You can and will too. Be very honest with yourself. It’s the only way. Own your shit. You may lose this guy in the process, but don;t you want the remainder of your life to be happy, free of anxiety. Work on yourself first, then a relationship.

My anxiety manifested in a feeling of a heart attack coming on. I felt like i was about to die at any moment. scary shit!. My therapist said next time that happens go outside and run, sprint till you die. I did. i didn’t die. I told myself ” muthafucka i’m read to die”. I didn’t. That was a life moment. Ever since i had the strength to control it. Recognize it, and tame it. And now it is gone.

I’m not hard on you to be a dick, but rather to help. If i was a dick i would not post and let you fumble around in life. Stop playing the victim role in all this. When you know deep down your anxiety plays the major role in the deciding factor in your life. Just think if you were able to stay at that gathering. Smiling, conversating, loving like you never had anxiety ever. what if start to finish that evening was just pure happiness-no worries. That’s what you are after.

The relationship issues are an after thought. Work on this anxiety until it’s no more. Free yourself. Fight the fight- Till the death!

We are all going to make it!