Hi Anita,

When you say ‘when things happened’ do you mean the day we broke up? Sometimes it’s scary to go back to that moment. It’s emotionally very challenging and although I have thought of it everyday since (which is now almost a year) it feels kind of safe to keep it in my brain. I feel that when I write it down, it becomes ‘real’ and can torment me more… But if that’s what you mean then I can try. Is it?

Hi HippieChick,

I like the sound of that idea but whenever I see or hear anything to do with that place it actually makes me stomach turn. I just want to vomit and cry and scream at the same time. I feel my mood rage, I want to find him and punch and scream at him. I know that is not the right way and he would be so insensitive back to me. It’s so hard right now. My mother says, ‘but I’ve been there, I went before him, think about me being there and your grandad being there, that we also walked around. Then try to imagine all the other tourists walking around. Some have gone under nice intentions and other have gone under bad intentions’. So I try to dissociate it like that- at this point though, actual images just haunt me and make me feel ill. I hope one day I am strong enough to do as you say and shake the associations

Hi Anita, your message did lift my spirits. Part of me really probably does want him to suffer.. or at least reflect. He used to love this film, he loved it because there was a part where everything was in turmoil and the actor would turn to the screen and go ‘and so it goes’. That’s how I think he want to live his life. The event happens, you pause to take it in/momentarily reflect (perhaps his version was writing in that diary I found all those months ago if you remember) and then you move past it and never look back. I think you are right about the drug induced high though, I would feel elation I think. But I can’t help wanting it to happen, not just for causing me pain but because he has actually reflected on the type of human he is and wishes to become better. I won’t entertain that thought for much longer.

Hi TriangleSun, yes I do not think contacting him is wise anymore. As Anita said, he is closed. But I’m not sure he will cheat again. The person he cheated on me with, lets call them Z, works with him. Z is his assistant so they are likely together every single working day 9-5 and I imagine they see each other on weekends. So I’m not sure how he would cheat! They only place to flirt is at work and Z is there watching. There is a second reason and I only found this out at Christmas. Just to give a quick back story, my ex’s email account was still logged into my computer when we broke up and that’s how I found out he cheated. I swapped laptops with my mum and asked her to close it and not tell me when she did it. But she was curious before she closed and found something. Him and Z worked together to mess up someone’s career path. A year ago another person “L” wanted to get a promotion, he was older than my ex and initially wanted a promotion my ex wanted. My ex got it because he was good friends with his boss. So then a year later L wanted to try and get the next promotion. By this point my ex had cheated. There was an email to his boss, this isn’t word for word ‘I’m so glad you got to the top, I see myself as your second in command, your Lieutenant… Many people in this company ‘name’, ‘name’, ‘name’ say that “L” is showing animosity toward them. He doesn’t respect me. Z is working amazingly well and completely agrees with me, that his attitude is rude and unprofessional. This promotion is coming up now and he thinks he must only impress you. Of course I don’t want him fired but I think you should tell him that the decision of him getting this promotion is between Me and You.

My mum only told me at Christmas when I was going to message him a long heartfelt message. She said don’t, this is how poisonous he has become. He is not going to care so just write something short to get your truth out but don’t waste your time and tears.

The last line still haunts me a little. In the end L never did get the promotion. Z did. I think my ex just wanted to force someone to respect him that never really did from the start (I had met L). Z gives him big ego boosts, they act like a team and I think he loves feeling high and mighty. I strangely imagine them getting married one day- my mind does that to protect me I think. It is trying to adjust me to the worse possible outcome so that if it does happen then doesn’t hurt me because I’ve sort of already accepted that would happen. Him reaching out to ask for forgiveness seems very far away, karma has a lot of work to do in the mean time

Thanks for the advice Inky but I don’t know if I want to contact him again. I think he just thinks I’m just a child, it never used to be like that (I’m 21 and he’s now 24). He used to care and actually admire me a little, I don’t mean that in an arrogant way but he liked that I was into science because he never understood it. He would tell his friends, she’s so smart! He would tell himself ‘she’s a fine girl!’ Now I’m meant to be a dead person. I don’t want to keep contacting him again to make myself look even more pathetic. I just imagine him sitting there, ‘oh she must still want me’, smirking and scoffing. I more than ever just want to forget this person. He will never ever know or understand how much pain he put me through and I hate that.

I wish I could convey his personality. Arrogance is a great word but there’s spitefulness too. I wish people like this ceased to exist. They ruin the world. Sorry for such a dramatic message, I’ve had a hard day.

I think talking to him right now would hinder me in terms of staying focused on my studies (it’s a pressurising environment) but at the same time, the knowledge I have about what he did eats away at me. This is my dilemma, I can’t do one without effecting the other. Right now I can handle the obsessive thoughts, they are the lesser evil but I just want a way to tackle them. I’ve had this problem for a very long time, it happens with other things and I think combatting them could help many aspects of my life. That’s what I’m struggling with now. But when I feel the time is more appropriate and more importantly, when I feel more relaxed (holidays) I will confront him.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your comment. I have been asking myself the same question for awhile but in the last few days I’ve started to a feel a more refined sense of clarity. Perhaps because I have become settled on my decision to contact him but not out of anger, thus allowing me to cultivate a sense of peace in myself and heal- but more than that, it has also allowed me to start opening up to discovering more about James- understanding his character, learning all his individualistic qualities and not comparing them but just accepting them and then liking them.

I don’t know why my ex did what he did- I have made up a million reasons. It did appear that he was unsure (hence the making plans amongst other things) and definitely not intending to do what he did until the moment he did it. His temperament was that of someone that would make snap decisions, and unlike me, he did not practise self control well but equally, clear from his dairy, he was not someone that cheats. It’s hard to explain, but it also seemed as if he always had this internal running commentary on his life. He loved books and wanted to write short stories for a time, he was good at writing. Sometimes I think he viewed his own life as a story- and he wanted it to have all the elements of a good story for when he looks back on it- I’m not sure if that completely makes sense without you knowing him.

Yesterday my best friend and her boyfriend broke up after 2 years. I was there comforting her but I saw so much of myself in her in those moments and in dawned on me just how far I had come. I told her she would get there too. I have not moved on, and the next few months will definitely be interesting – no doubt I will probably give an update but for now I am going in the right direction.. I think.

Hi Anita,

I have to completely disagree here. We were planning a trip for the weekend, Friday morning we were talking about it happily, Friday evening I did not hear from him. That Friday night, he slept with the intern. On the Saturday he said that he had food poisoning and that we should arrange the trip for when he felt better.

Your comment has greatly saddened me. If this was a change of course, then he should have sat down with this girl and discussed being together, not had sex with her and led me to believe that we would still have our weekend plans later. If this was a change of course, he should have addressed this with me, explained that he has feelings for someone else when I asked him directly, which I did, rather than lie to me, which he did. This to me is cheating, clear cut- it doesn’t matter if it happened for months or a day.

I understand that my posts bring new information but a lot happened and I did not want to write a book in my original post.