dear:teaK & anita

ow. thank you hearing a completely non bias person tell me that this isnt all my fault feels so good.

to answer your first question. ive done lots of shadow work. ive healed all my bonds with family members. ive learned to allow and welcome positive things into my life and to change my negitive thoughts into positive ones….

ur second question.. ive been sexually assaulted by my step dad.. and my mom who is no longer didnt belive me… my dad has always made me feel like my opinion and thoughts arent valid. and through that ive never really felt like anyone could truly understand me..m i guess i feel guilty for some things but its mostly fear of abandoment.

my whole life my brother has been selfish and treated me awful. my dad verbally and mentally abused me. my mom died and i have no friends.. and because of all of these things it doesnt allow me to bask in relationships. im just in fear of the end.

and i feel like with my most recent ex i really took a look at myself and decided to change and then now its never enough. i feel like hes not at all understanding to my situation. when if it was visa versa id forgive him and put it behind him.. but he just cant seem to…

everything will be okay and all of a sudden we get into one fight and hes done and wants a break  and i love him and want to work it out but he isnt texting me and visa versa and im scared that as soon as i let go and dont turn back thats when hell come running back.

and i think thats why ive allowed myself to be sad for so many weeks because it keeps the wound from healing and it keeps the relationship alive in a way.  i have so much to say but this would go on for 80 pages lol.

when i had just had an abortion and was dealing with past trauma of my ex abusing me and my mom dying it had all boiled up and i told him i didnt love him. not because i didnt but i felt he deserved better. hes a person who doesnt trust many so after that hes never been the same. and almost everytime he makes a mistake it almost always boils down to him saying if i never broke up with him wed still be happy. i keep forgiving him. but im tired of him not making me a priority. being sneaky. lying etc… i do love him and want it to work out but as soon as we make plans to talk or hangout he “forgets” or something happens

i dont want to have to give him the cold shpulder and completely turn my back on all our history but im tired of chasing a grown man around. hes not a bad person but he only really sees things on surface level and never really tries to understand. and i dont like that..

also i was very close w his family and now all of a sudden i havent been there in weeks. id feel stupid to even show my face there.. i miss him but im done being so worked up allll the time. im an over thinker so sorry if this is all over the place thanks 4 responding :,(

hi anita, me again…

i hope youre doing well..

so i just wanted to talk to you about somethings.. and here theyre..

heres the story.. and the things that have changed, its hard to type this without crying..

i dont live with my awwful dad anymore. i live with y grandparents. i have a job.. i make good money. i am happy at work and work is a great distraction, but i cant seem to shake these two feelings, i know tat if you fall ot of ove with somome its maybe because you were never in love with them in the first place… and i sometimes think that the reason that i still have this same attachement to him as i did months ago when we talked is that i love him, but then i think that that couldnt be right, because it was so bad hat i had to dump him,

i sometimes think i am strong for dumping him because with every art of my soul i didnt want to. but i knew that even if there was this tiny feeling that was telling me i should then, i definietley should…

when i think of him, he the boyfriend that every girl wishes to have, extremely handsome, kind to his mom, family orienated, mature, kind, funny, smart, responsible, has a job, drives. so the feeling that i cant shake is, if its not him then who else on earth could it be? i don just want to be the person who only chases after people who dont want me….

the other feeling i cant shake is the same one i had all throught the relationship. i hink i am pretty and a lot of people tell me i am. but i just dont belive it, i think everyone is better than me, and i hate how i look talk and act, and that was a major problem for us because he was so confident and comfortable within himself, i dont know how to gain self love because i as never taugt, i was taught the exct opposite and even if i a feeling confident for awhle it always ges away after awhile, and turns into me completley hating myself.

let me get this straight, i am not suicidal BUT, and thats a BIG but…. i feel like my own brain is out to get me, it sounds crazy but i just want all the thoughts in my head to stop. i remeber always seeing in movies people talking about the voices in their head right before they kill themselves and i nderstand it, it feels lie its not even you, its ths negitve comintater that always has s,ething to say and makes ur brain run  at 5000mph so yea,

the last feeling  cant sake is that i did what my ashole ex did to me, to makai, i am terrfied that i hurt him, even though i know i did, people would roll their eyes at me if they heard this but i felt like i had no choice and that me staying with him would hurt him way more, his whole family hates me and his friends too, and that sucks to think about even though i now it pretty much all my fault. i dont want to make myself out as a victim because im not.. but yeah, we check up on eachother all the time. we still talk, but i just dont want to hurt him anymore then i already have.

the thought of him being with somone else used to break me but now as long as they make him so fucking happy, i caan defietley live with that, because if the reason i dumped him was because i wanted him to be happy, then i need to allow that to happen, and step out of the way. thats the only growth i think ive made.. other then getting a job and movig out of that toxic house, i still think negitivley AF and have no control over my emotions.

anyways if i read this over ill prob delete it so bare with me, lol try ur hardest to understand… if you even reply lol. thx anitaaa<3

For saying that stuff

I meant. I’m giving up on life.

Okay I’ll try but I think it’s going to help me relax but it won’t help me figure out my situation. Cause even if I feel Good and relaxed, it’ll always go back. And not being with him or being with him I feel trapped in this bubble of depression

Dear Anita;

hello. I’m feeling upset again. Sadly, I’m not freaking out but, I was watching this random video and a song started playing l, it said “you just want attention, you don’t want my heart, maybe you just hate the thought of me with someone new, you just want attention, I knew from the start, you’re just making sure I’m never getting over you.

this sounds exactly what I’m feeling. And I am afraid of it in a way, I hate myself because of it. Because it’s hard to explain, but it’s not what I’m trying to do at all. But I only start to want to be with him when I imagine him with a new girl. It’s crazy. I never expected myself in this situation. I never thought I would feel like this.

it’s not heartbreak but it’s just, confusion, because I don’t know why it’s happening, I like how he looks A LOT. I like his personality, I like how he treats me. When I describe my dream person it’s him. But I just get this feeling of just wanting to l breakup with him, I don’t want to be a bad Person. But I almost can’t help it.

I know if he were in another relationship I would regret it for the rest of my life. Because he treated me so well. I just don’t believe in love anymore.. I feel like one person always loves the other person more: at the start it wasn’t forced at all. But now it so is . And when I think of getting back together I get this rush of anxiety of going backwards.

I wish it was possible to just ask the universe for the answer to what’s going on in my head. And a fix. But I feel like if I breakup with him. I’m sad: i want to talk to him. But when we’re together, I feel trapped and that’s not love, I don’t want him to move on but I don’t want to not let him move on either because I know I’m not a bad person intentionally. I don’t think anyone understands .

and even if you help me, I’ll feel positive about it for awhile, then an intrusive thought comes in, and it just takes over. And puts me in this place,

I want to be with him but I don’t know what’s off, and I want it to go back to how it was but I don’t know if it ever will, but imagining him with simone else makes me sick to my stomach, it’s like I don’t want to be with him but I want him to wait for me. Which isn’t good, but I guess I have to admit it.

I was thinking it’s okay to just talk sometimes and if the universe brings us back then that will be good. But I know it won’t, because I didn’t love him properly, I loved him selfishly, and that’s exactly the opposite of love. Being selfish. So I know the universe will bring him someone he deserves. Just like I loved my ex properly, and then the current Guy came along and loved me the way I loved my ex, and now I’m loving him the way my ex loved him.

i just want a solution , CAuse it feels never ending.

-Lisa