Thank you, Jo, for your kind words and understanding. I do understand on a rational level that the grief and anger are a natural part of this process – I just can’t seem to translate that into action on my part. I am completely overwhelmed by my emotions in a way that I did not expect and for far longer than I would have imagined. You are right, I do try to ‘stop’ it in some ways largely because I am afraid of what would happen if I didn’t. I might never stop crying or I might lash out in a way that would be hurtful and make me ashamed later.

Exacerbating this is the dynamic between my soon-to-be-ex and myself: during the last 2 years a pattern developed where he expressed hurt and anger and disappointment and even disgust towards me at the same time he told me that he wanted to work things out (we were in couples therapy for 18 months until our therapist literally threw up her hands and said she couldn’t help us because he was unwilling to change anything or to compromise in any way). So I became silent about my feelings, believing that his were more valid, more important and that the problems we had were in fact my fault. I conceded to him on everything and went out of my way to not upset him or disagree with him (because those things enraged him). Now he expects that and is aggressive and often bullying as we try to work out a physical separation and divorce. I am seeing a therapist myself to help me stop this pattern but it leaves me unsure of when I am appropriately standing up for myself versus when I am reacting purely out of anger and a desire to not give in to him.

What a mess! No wonder I am often an emotional wreck. You are absolutely right that one of the biggest lessons for me here is to accept, accept, accept – because I cannot control everything. This situation is utterly beyond my ability to control or change and all I can do is work on my reaction to it.

I will check out your site and again, thank you for the advice.

Thank you so much for the kind – and wise – words. I would like to rail against the injustice of it and his indifference but what for? It wouldn’t accomplish anything. I am trying to just allow the pain and believe that it will pass. It will not kill me. I know I have to accept what is and I need to mourn the loss – it wasn’t always terrible between us and I had real hope that we could come through this somehow.

It’s just very hard.

You are right. I am probably out of options for what I can do myself. And you are right that he is neither here nor gone. I hadn’t thought of it quite like that but it fits. I don’t see any indication that he truly intends to change. He seems content to stay exactly where he is – when your therapist throws up her hands in defeat I guess it’s clear that nothing short of a miracle is going to un-stick this situation.

I have consulted an attorney and do have a sense of how finances would be divided, etc. I won’t be penniless but it’s unlikely I will be able to afford to stay in my current home. Accepting that is so difficult. It’s just frightening thinking of all that will change – especially when this particular change isn’t one I wanted or even ever imagined.

Thanks for the insight and support.