It has been exactly two weeks since this whole mess began and I’m in pain all over again. The same pain I felt when I heard the news that his family is in process of arranging his marriage. Everything I felt then I’m feeling now. I can’t stop crying and my heart is heavy.

My friends seem to echo the same words “ it’s a process, you are healing, you will feel better with time etc…” .  I just want to speak to him, he always made me feel better no matter what the situation. I just feel so alone right now and I hate it.

Hi Noor,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. I appreciate this and that I can speak to someone who understands. I read your story and I am sorry you are going through this also. I am here for you.

I guess with me it was hard because I was hesitant at the start, I knew I would grow to love him and that freaked me out. I was sensitive to the idea that he would leave me or something like this would happen so I was very much independent. It did help that we were long distance so I had my masters and Job to concentrate on and he had his studies. Nevertheless I did become vulnerable and open up to him and allowed myself to love him openhearted.  I told my friends and family about him and even stated he was the one I wanted to marry when the time comes. I always told proclaimed that I don’t want to marry or have kids mainly due to the fact that I have not seen a successive relationship in my family. people have stayed together but there are secrets and struggles within those relationships. Now I am embarrassed that I worked hard to trust and open up now is taken away from me. I have to go back to the same people and say it didn’t work out.

I’m not sure if it is my negative thoughts or reality but I too realise it was never meant to last. Everything was intense from the start, like he told me he loved me 2 weeks into the relationship and I  a few days later. We shared so many things to each other from childhood experiences, dark thoughts, everything.  I wonder if this is what I will miss most because yes the physical was great but our communication was much stronger. I struggle in the evenings because that is when he would call and now I know I can call him because he will pick up but I don’t want to torture myself. He is very much sure that we will continue being friends but even believing that scares me because it might get taken away by his family or wife telling him that he should cut it off.

I should also mention that before I began speaking to him I was on antidepressants which I stopped because it was affecting our sex. After an argument we had I realised I still had issues with my past to deal with that I was projecting on him so I began therapy. This helped so much during this lock down period and is possibly why I was able to continue working on myself without implicating or straining our relationship. I am yet to have a session with my therapist but I hope that they will assist me through this period too.

Right now I am slightly drained and have been. I have deadlines for my dissertation to meet which has been hell because I simply cannot think straight. I’ve been up for a few hours and I haven’t cried either so that’s a plus.  Yeah…