Thank you both for replying, I don’t know where my fear of making a bad choice in a relationship stems from. I don’t think I’m a perfectionist or that my standards are too high.. but maybe they are I don’t know. I do tend to avoid conflict which means I don’t speak up fully if I’m not happy with something but then I guess the frustration comes out all at once. I dont remember feeling stuck in a relationship with my parents, my mum and I had a difficult and quite distant relationship my Dad is sensitive and quiet and also doesn’t have confidence. I guess it was quite an authoritative household in that children were expected to have their will broken to the parents.

I feel that it was my ex’s way of socialising that I felt I didn’t fit, we might have looked like a typical good girl bad boy relationship from the outside. i didnt judge his anger, I understood it came from pain. I excused it at the time but maybe it was building up in the back of my mind. There was a constant narrative in my head that I needed to end the relationship which plagued me.. sometimes I couldn’t enjoy the moment because I was so caught up with not feeling right.

When I think about getting back with my ex I feel panicked again. I don’t know what it is.

Thank you for your thoughts Anita I really appreciate it.

I think I find it difficult to leave situations which I feel are no longer right, when perhaps someone else would just move on. I wanted to leave college after the first year because I though it was leading nowhere and my job of 9 years and counting I find knocks my selfconfidence everyday because I find it difficult to give advice to juniors and make informed decisions incase I make the wrong decision. It has meant a very stunted career. Its like decision paralysis or something. Its like my whole life is stunted somehow. I come from a religious background (sadly I lost my faith at 18) I think I am now responsible for my life path and not fate or a higher purpurse but I have no faith in myself. I remember when I was a kid thinking I would have to get a job where there was no responsibility because I wouldn’t be able to make the right decision.

In regards to relationships. I was always taught that you shouldnt lead a boy on and that relationships were long term. I also have a recurring nightmare of marriage and I’ve always been adverse to having children in case I messed their lives up somehow.

I have read on another site about people who are too passive in their lives, which causes indecision, procrastination and self doubt. I am also reading feel the fear and do it anyway..

My boyfriend and I both have self esteem issues which I think we provide comfort for in each other. The difference is I have got used to being on my own and my boyfriend feels he can’t be alone. I think I have felt swept along in this relationship with him always wanting to take it to the next level and spend a lot of time together whereas I’d have prefered a bit more alone time. But I do enjoy the time I spend with him and we communicate we’ll regards our different needs etc. I guess there is no wrong or right answer in this.