Thank you Lilbuddha for shedding light on that. Yeah, it was exactly that – he has done all these exciting things, lives life with absolutely no rules or fears. It wasnt that I wanted or needed to compare (I could never have a life like he does or even be a part of his life in any bigger way) but perhaps, I felt a bit envious, leading to intimidation. None of my stories were cool in comparison, doesnt make me any less awesome..just different. I appreciate his personality and the lesson I take from his is that we all have awesome stories and to be vigilant for when intimidation and comparison hits you. For a moment, I forgot my impressive journey, my hardwork and growth – not cool.

I constantly tend to put people on these pedestals, I dont know why…and truth is, rarely does someone actually meet upto these pedestals that Ive put them on. I wonder why we do that, is it our own insecurities?

And thank you again, he saw (and appreciated) in me the courage to approach a guy I saw was interesting and I saw in him a vibrant, carefree person. We both wanted a bit of each other and thats how it went. I rarely have such adventures, we were both adults and mature about it and have no regrets. Thank you for understanding my POV.

Lily.

The Ruminant, Chermich and Gams,

Yes, I am beginning to wonder if the distance and the “tip of the iceberg ONLY” bit makes it harder to let go. As the Ruminant said, it is hard to let go of what you never had and the mind doesnt know what to let go of but it knows it needs to let go. Crazy-making!! A friend of mine told me weeks ago that because I didnt have all the info, it is natural that I filled it in with positive things, that is the human way. But doesnt mean that was true or that it was even the real bits.

Another friend also pointed out “what makes you SO sure that you can be happy with him or that he could make you happy at all?”. And thats the truth, I dont know. None of us do and did. It was our imaginations and hopes and dreams. Doesnt make the pain any unreal or lesser though. But like Chermich said, we have nothing to prove.

(Chermich, I actually did write him a letter telling him all that – in a very, very kind and non-girly way – I am glad I did, Of course, I doubt he’ll say anything in response. Prior to that he had an email where I appreciated what he brought into my life and everything that he made me smile about, which he did reply to. I think a lot of moving on and forgiving happens only when we can communicate some part of what we feel. Whether through a sent or unsent letter. I might need to do an unsent one at some point to get the frustration and anger out-which I didnt want to in my email to him)

And there is a lot to be said about how someone treats you and we need to choose to believe and see that. I have seen the disengagement and disregard..and this is perhaps a side of him that I wouldnt have seen if it wasnt the circumstance. But what matters is that this is the bit of the iceberg under the water and it would be very hard to deal with this person if this is what the true self is. I dont like the bits of him that I saw, it is a deal breaker for me. And Im sure you have all seen the bits under the water too and didnt like it at all.

Ah, havent we all had well-meaning friends saying things like that. Oh. Ive had to tell a few “Im sorry, I know you mean well but that made me feel worse” LOL! Im sorry you had to hear the same too, that is not very nice or supportive. Sometimes, even with the best intentions, people dont get what we feel..or they choose to not see. Easier to go with “you made it bigger than what it is/it is your fault/move on” than to actually TRY and understand.

Thank you 🙂 I will make this another story of strength and courage (I loved that you pointed it out, made me smile). I was real and opened my heart and I know that took a GREAT deal of courage. I wouldnt do it any different even if I had the chance. I am trying to change the story I tell myself (in my head), it will take a bit of time but I will do it. I just want to find strength, peace and growth. I can see it happening..hopefully, the pain and sadness will subside soon.

I send you all my hugs and deepest warmth 🙂
Lily.

Chermich,

I am so sorry to hear that. I know exactly how that feels and I know it crushes some part of you completely. I wish I could understand why they did this but we will never know. Im not sure if you have read Brene Brown (love her!) and she talks about how disengagement is the greatest form of betrayal – it makes us feel like unworthy because the other person didnt choose us, didnt fight for us, didnt put in the effort and attention. But again, it says everything about them and nothing about us. I hope you know that too.

Four months! That is awesome! I am glad to hear that you are doing all these self-care activities to send the love to yourself and learning from all of this. I know you will get better and better. The tough times bring in changes that will make us stronger for life. I think because it hasnt even been 3 weeks yet, I have questions, thoughts, images and pain. I am doing really well though (compared to other real-life break ups). I have always tried to be authentic and I have been honest with him and myself throughout this ordeal. Thank you, I too believe (and have been told) that I am resilient and courageous….I dont feel a great deal of it right now but I’ll try to be patient 🙂 I know this situation and this person was sent to me to learn, I will do my best to learn and grown.

Thank you so much for replying and sharing your story. Please feel free to contact me on here if you wish to share/chat.
Lily.

All good! Thank you again for taking time to clarify. I was just wondering if I was meant to be “thats just how things went” right away. Cause gosh, I would struggle with feeling that right now (its only about 2 weeks old). I do think that it is the same for me (and has been in the past too) – patience and compassion while I accept the pain and heal.

I loved your analogy about the story being a needle prick. I definitely dont want to be numb or bitter – I truly do want to get to a point where I am ok and where I can say “Thats ok, it worked out just the way it was meant to. I learnt so much from it”. I want to come out of this stronger and wiser, ready to find someone more compatible and on the same page.

I truly wish this man a great deal of happiness, I think he is a good person but Im just not able to be a part of his life right now without hurting myself or my self-esteem. Plus he hasnt shown me any actual sign that he wants me to be around or that he truly wants a friendship. Thus, I exited.

Thank you again
Lily