Lily,

I came back and read all through the additional postings, and your description of his refusal to grow-up and contradiction are exactly like my ex. I actually got tickled, because it describes him perfectly. I tried to befriend him again recently, and it didn’t go well. He has himself on a pedestal, blind to his own contradictions, which revokes his capacity for something as silly as humility. The bad thing about that is, he preaches his life “expertise” on YouTube to a rather large following. I am concerned for the people that take him seriously, and want to make him their “guru”. I guess I have “preacher’s daughter” syndrome, where I know him too well to believe him.

I’m struggling here too, because I think we are all like that to a certain extent (contradictive, blind to ourselves). And I think we create our own pedestal when we start judging another person to knock them off of theirs’. I’ve caught myself in that rut, because he hurt me. Still, when I look in the mirror, I realize I am just as contradictive and blind in my own way. This acknowledgment helps me to be more compassionate as opposed to judgmental, and I think you’ve acknowledged the same in your love of the complexities iof human nature that help to teach us and grow.

So, the sharing of your experience with us has ultimately helped me to sort-out my own head and regain a healthier perspective. Amazing how life works! Anyway, thank you for sharing, and thank you for the help in growth. :0)

I feel the need to add this… A lot of people chase spirituality in hopes of rescuing themselves from poor choices. This a predominant selling of Christianity, where they advertise getting “saved”. It takes away personal accountability for changing, and places it on the hands of something greater. You said, “it wasn’t long till I was back to my old ways,” as if you though you had hoped the church would save you. You’ve got to save yourself, Hon, and maintain self-accountability without self-defeatism and self-abuse. As for hell, as in fire, brimstone, and satan with a pitchfork? That’s like worrying about Santa popping down the chimney and leaving coals in your stocking. It ain’t gonna happen. The belief in Santa keeps department stores rolling in money come December, and hell is the fairy story of a church needing to keep the tithes coming in.

I think you’ve already done an exquisite job of explaining yourself and the tie that binds you to those books. You know those books aren’t people, but throughout your life they’ve comforted you as if they were a best friend or parent. You spent a lifetime building a collection you loved and many were gifts from people you have loved. I can’t imagine how difficult that would be to part with…. But still, when the time came you did what you had to do. I’m a bit of a collector myself. I, too, am an only child with no kids of my own. And I, too, attach emotional significance to objects. So, I understand, believe me I do! :

We attach memories to objects, but they are not the memory. You still have your memories of those stories and of the precious moments those books were given as gifts. You haven’t let go of the comfort they’ve provided you. You’ve merely let go of their physical presence, which was a necessity – not a dismissal to their impact on your life, or a dismissal to the wonderful people who gave them to you. You will always have those moments in your heart, so they don’t need to collect dust on a shelf.

You already know that, and knew it when you parted with them. You’re confronted with many new things in moving, and you’re going through a period of adjustment. You no longer have the stress of the actual move to keep you occupied, but you’re still confronted with the major changes that you’ve made in your life. It’s natural to want to reach-out to the things that have always brought you comfort and miss them.

You need to change the dialog in your mind that says his beginning rule had something to do with you – and only you- in the first place. Maybe he didn’t think himself capable of handling a serious relationship, or didn’t want to fall in love with anyone at that time? Maybe he is naturally a sensitive guy and used the rule as a way of scaring any chance for love away, because HE didn’t want to get hurt? Maybe it wasn’t the right time for either of you, and destiny stepped-in? Then, a while later, when his guard was down and the timing was right – you came along again and knocked his socks off. :0). Maybe he was impressed by your previously displayed confidence and refusal to accept less than what you felt you deserved in a relationship?

There’s all kinds of maybes out there that have nothing to do with “I must’ve sucked before” (pardon the bluntness). The point is, you have charmed him now., so you must be pretty terrific to have knocked his wall down. That’s something you should give yourself credit for, not beat yourself up over! :0)

Sometimes we just need to change our perceptions of ourselves and others. I imagine whatever his I initial motive was for creating rules, it had little to do with you. Go easy on yourself. :0)

You were intimidated, because you are “the good girl”. His free spirit enabled him to experience a variety of things you found exciting and invigorating – not repulsive as in peer pressure scenarios. So, as you laughed and shared his stories, you became mesmerized by him,and was made to acknowledge you had nothing equivalent (no thrills and spills) to share. Something you hadn’t noticed in your previous contentment with normalcy. That became apparent, when he suddenly asked, “So…. What about you?”

It’s like someone saying, “Last week, I climbed Mount Everest, mined for sapphires in India, dined with an Amazonian tribe in traditional regalia, and developed a whole new understanding of physics that enabled me to travel back in time and dance with the Queen of Sheba.” And your only reply is, “Well, last week, I went to Walmart and picked-up some new socks.”

Europe will be great for you. New sites and sounds to reinvigorate you, and get your engine excited again about new opportunities. I disagree with the rush out and find “new” love thing. This is one thing that drives me nuts in today’s society of convenience. We can rush out and get a new man, like we’re grabbing a burger. :0)

I know you’re friends are well-meaning, but that’s a trap we like to rush into. It’s a quick and easy fix, which means it’s no fix at all.

You sound so down about the idea of loving yourself, as if it’s such a depressing thought and futile effort. How great would it be for you to realize how amazing you are and what all you can offer yourself?!?! How great would it be to not need anyone else to make you feel fulfilled?!?! How great would it be to offer those you love -most especially yourself – something more than insecurity and the unhealthy behaviors that result from it?!?! :0)

You only have to change your ideas of what’s important to you, and make you the priority. You’re worth it!

You’re going through the dark phase that happens after break-ups, but “this too shall pass”. He is the past, and that’s the bed you need to let him RIP in. You have a whole new future ahead of you, and he’s chosen to not be apart of it. So be it. Can you do anything to change the situation by falling into a trap of self pity and insecurity? No. Can you do anything to change it by showing how you desperately miss him? No. If you did get him back, would you be happy? No, because he’s cheated. If you hang onto him, you hang onto a ghost – a relationship that doesn’t exist anymore. And it sounds to me like that’s a very good thing for you! A broken heart can’t heal, if it keeps jabbing itself with painful “what ifs” and replays of times gone by. Don’t beat yourself up.

Give yourself a brief period to grieve, and then move-on. Focus on right now – not the future or the past. Don’t worry about healing, just give yourself new motivations and new interests with each new minute that passes by. Set goals for yourself, in regards to things you’re passionate about. Find things you love to do, and focus on doing them. Let yourself get to a place where you’re happy – even if it’s only for a moment, which gives your brain endorphins and other chemicals to change it’s way of thinking. Healing will come with time.

As far as the guy goes, it’s going to be tough maintaining long-term relationships with anyone when you’re already married. I get that your best friends, and it’s financially feasible, but is that what you want to be locked into for a lifetime? If it is, then expect a lot of turnover in the boyfriend department, or guys who’ll feel okay about dabbling elsewhere , because you’re married. That marriage is a deprivation of growth for yourself and in relationships with other people. Ask yourself, “what kind of guy is fogging to happily date a married woman?” I think you’ve discovered the answer to that. You are effectively tied down by law, even if not by emotion.

I know it’s tough, but you’ll get through this. Trust that belief and trust yourself. You’re capable of far more than you know right now, don’t let the slump get you down…it’s just a slump. And life’s a coaster…everything from here is high riding! ;0)

Also, when I say…making some changes… I mean, either changing your worry about the phone (which doesn’t look like that’ll happen after more than a year of this) or changing relationship status to single and seeking new opportunities. Trust yourself.

There’s a consensus here, that first love is pretty intense. First off, accept that, but also accept that “never” getting over her, doesn’t mean never moving-on to other healthy, happy relationships. It’s unhealthy to obsess over past mistakes and “what-if” scenarios. In all that self-annihilation, we can caught-up in the guilt and over-romanticize the past as a result – not even that person could live-up to the myth we’ve created, if they did come back. You already acknowledge that, and that’s great!

Realizing and accepting that will help to propel you forward. But, also, realize that propelling forward doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re ready to seek a new relationship, and that’s okay, too! I think too much emphasis is placed on finding love in another. Family and friends can be too pushy and expecting in that area. You’re your own person, and will heal in your own time. You should feel free to carry-on exploring yourself, and learning to love the guy you’ve spent the past few years beating-up. You’re not that person anymore, like your ex…you’re changing and growing, too. It may not seem like it to you, but that’s because your using her as a too,l of measurement. You’re advancing in your own way, but it is advancing….even if you can’t see it right now. :0)

Understand, too, there’s a difference between loving someone and pining for a memory of happier times. That’s a memory, a phantom of the past that haunts you. It’s only real in terms of your inability to let go of the ghost. You are replaying memories as if it were your favorite movie, over and over and over, and wishing yourself into the film. It’s fruitless, so stop the rewind. There’s nothing in all that replay that will change where you are today, and you need to know and feel confident that you are exactly where you should be. You are on a journey to create new experiences and new memories with or without new women that’ll be just as rewarding. Just accept and allow it, without perpetually comparing it to your favorite. You will discover new favorites.

Don’t dwell on ghosts, or worry about the future and where you are “supposed” to be in your healing.

You’ll be all right. :0)