Hi Anita,

I’m really grateful you took the time to read what I wrote and respond.  And there are truths on what you say, some of them harsh but understandable based on what I’ve written.  I need to face up to some of them.

I agree I wasn’t over my ex.  I don’t know that I’ve even truly reached a place of acceptance yet but the pain isn’t nearly what it was.  We actually see each other frequently now. I am friends with her new boyfriend (not the man she was seeing – another old school friend).  She talks to me a bit about the original man but I try to change the subject if I can.  My ex has been very supportive during recent weeks but there’s an unspoken friction between us.  She is nothing like the person I settled down with now and we aren’t the friends that we were.  It’s my fault as much as hers. I still harbour a lot of bitterness.  But  we’ve always tried to get on for the sake of the kids and because we both avoid conflict, rightly or wrongly.

I admit, I leant on M.  I thought I was in a good place when I met her but I was still in the anger phase of my break up, I think, and she supported me.  She took away the pain.  It’s true. I know I became emotionally dependent on her.  She also talked a great deal about her ex husband who upset her frequently.  We vented our frustrations.  It was a two way thing.  But looking back I know it wasn’t healthy.  But it built up trust between us and gave us some common ground.

I didn’t know what I wanted with M.  I liked her but was reluctant to get into anything too quickly.  I wasn’t looking for a relationship, it’s true. But people told me not to overthink things.  Just enjoy one another, and we did.  It was reckless in retrospect.  We should’ve talked properly early on.  I had dated someone a few months earlier but ended it after a few dates because I knew it was too soon.

You’re right that the sex was a massive part of it, for both of us.  It’s how it started – we were both very attracted to each other.  I’m sorry now to have put such an emphasis on it above because it wasn’t only that.  I’ve never had a particularly high sex drive or anything.  I never went out looking for sex and in fact have only had sex within relationships.  I’ve never cheated.  I say a dream come true because towards the end of my relationship with my ex, I was so unhappy about how I felt about sex and I thought about how sex was in my first serious relationship. I wanted that again.  But I never wanted to leave my life or break up my family.

But I didn’t only see it as sex.  Our children met many times. We camped and did days out.  She met many of my friends.  I met most of her family. I had plans to take her kids out in London after the pandemic. We spoke about dozens of things we were going to do together.   Gradually I had started to think more long-term and I told her, but I didn’t know how we could live together.  But over the past 2-3 months, it had seemed like an affair – just meeting for one night at a time.

It was exciting and fun and in huge contrast to what the previous 13 years had been like.  It’s true.  And it’s true that the way I feel now is probably disproportionate to how serious the relationship really was.

Trustagain,

Thanks for taking the time to read my “journal” and I appreciate your comments.  And I know you’re right. If I think about her actions in the weeks before we broke up, she was pulling away from me.  It’s painful looking back – almost too painful at the moment because there are some harsh truths to accept.

I know that I could have done more but try to tell myself I did what was right for me at the time.  But I sincerely believe that these were her issues and I was naive enough to start something with somebody more broken than I am. I believed I couldn’t get badly hurt again after what happened with my ex.  I thought I was too strong when actually I neglected to really work on myself before getting involved again.

I mentioned her ex husband who she had serious drug problems with and struggled for years with. She threw him out eventually.  He’s still an addict. They split up years ago. He was abusive and controlling and he stalked her.  Yet they were friends when I met her and I was concerned that their boundaries were far weaker than I’d expect.  I nearly split up with her because of it after the first few weeks, but then chose to overlook this red flag.  I think this was a mistake.  I feel so sure that things changed when he moved in with his girlfriend.  She was hurting, grieving, but said she didn’t understand why and didn’t know if it was because of him.  She wouldn’t open up to me.  I think it’s very telling now.

I wrote out an email last night to her, pointing out how she’d been vague and asking for closure, however painful it was. But I haven’t sent it.  I agree with you – I need to try and accept it now and let go.  It’s in my power to do so.  For some reason it was a bad weekend.  A bit of a relapse.  Crying, longing thinking about her 24/7.  I’m back at work today and my kids come home later for a week.  Hopefully I’ll be a lot stronger.