Not at all Anita. I am not criminalizing this natural need. I am happy to have this new awareness of myself and to be able to place these feelings and not be ashamed of them as I have hurt mostly myself as you say in your post. I realize that I want to move away from this narcissism not because I feel bad or at fault, but because I am finally realizing that it has not served me well at all. It has rendered me inauthentic, over analytical and sometimes envious of myself (!). I have had this persecutor in me that I have accommodated way too long.

Rightly so, Anita, it is about working on things and not necessarily getting everything right all the time. For me the awareness and the ability to place myself first is what was important last night. It worked as much as I gave myself the space to be myself. I have to say that I felt more comfortable than I have in a long time. I felt more self possessed and less vulnerable to the stares and comments. Afterwards, I had minimal reactions of what before was a torment of going over all that was said and the glances and faces etc. I feel that in small doses of this woman I can slowly work on ‘putting her in her place’ within me and use the same technique for future narcissistic mothers I may encounter.
I was surprised by where my thoughts took me with these posts. I realized that there is a part of me that is narcissistic, that needs to be accepted, liked and admired by all and this is what pushes me to prostrate myself to those who accept me the least. The realization of this to me is already a great step in the direction of being more self accepting. It is okay for people not to like us and that does not reduce us in any way.

It is not always easy. I write this now, but I can only hope to apply it consistently.
I like the idea of ‘going to self sympathy’ and in order to do that I have to stop thinking that I have to put on a show for people, fill voids with chatter and ‘smile all the time’. Once I pause, I give myself space and I can go to that place of self-sympathy and realize…I do not need to respond to this person’s refusal. It is about her not about me. I can only thank her internally for having made me aware of my own narcissism and my need to please everyone, to be accepted and loved by everyone. Such a hard position to maintain. I would be much more content rather to be loved by a few, but love with all my flaws and ambiguities. No more theatrics, no more building altars for people who cannot accept me for what I am…Including myself, that part of me that is so hard on me, that has so many expectations, so many needs and makes my days laborious and heavy with analytical thoughts. Lots of work ahead.

Anita, it is processing the emotions that is hard work!
It could be that I have amplified this woman’s dislike for me because I have projected my distrust and fear of rejection on her.
I will persist with protecting my inner child and keep clear of the people who want to hurt her…including myself. At times I believe we are our worst enemy. The persecutor within whispering in our ear all the abuse and hatred we have accumulated in a life time…the ticker tape scrolling in our minds. This is what I am fighting. The feeling of being a fraud because I was never validated and not always being capable of validating myself in front of the inner and outer persecutor.