Hello Chris,

I will reference two things in this reply:

1) The Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT)
2) The approach that worked for me, very similar to the Emotional Freedom Technique.

1) The Emotional Freedom Technique is a very concrete thing to do and I believe it would be helpful to you.

I will include some links to videos at the end of this post.

The reasons why I recommend it are as follows:

a) It involves saying things out loud to redefine your thinking processes and beliefs and does not so much focus on how you got where you are right now, but on changing the “script” you’re living, redefining your inner voice.

Please note, this may not feel natural at first, but there’s great power in saying things out loud over and over again. You start believing in what you say. It’s pretty amazing, actually. The new voice, the one that has an actual physical shape and form, will soon resonate in you louder than that old voice inside.

How can that apply to the knot?

First off, whatever recommended scripts to use that you find online you can and probably should replace with something you write yourself, something to reflect your truth, that will resonate with you.

The basic technique recommends taking whatever emotional state you’re dealing with, say guilt, acknowledging that you’re feeling it, then saying that in spite of feeling whatever you’re feeling, you accept yourself; then there are other things you can say, depending on what your situation is and where you want to be.

An example I’d think of for you (you will need to modify it so it rings true to you, and possibly break it down into baby steps, slowly implemented into some routine):

“Even though I feel fear and guilt inside, I fully accept and love myself.”

Or something more complex:

“It’s not my fault what happened to me. It’s not my fault that I got hurt.

I look back at the 14-year old I was and I feel compassion for what happened to him. It wasn’t his fault.

Although I still feel fear, shame, hatred, guilt, I fully love and accept myself.”

Again, this may and probably will not feel natural at first. This is not the script running in your mind right now. But watch it change.

You can rewrite the script.

As you do, the guilt, the hatred, the shame—they will fade away.

Note, with this technique, you acknowledge your feelings; as you said you express and not suppress them.

(My take on that is, how can you “let go” of ghosts that you haven’t acknowledged?)

The voice will surface every now and then. But it will be much different, rather quiet, and you’ll be at peace and free.

Note, I’m not an expert in the Emotional Freedom Technique. As I have successfully applied a very similar approach in the past, I believe the technique should work.

b) The Emotional Freedom Technique involves tapping on acupuncture points. Whether you believe in acupuncture or not, I think what’s of importance is adding PHYSICAL MOTION to the things that you say.

Studies show that including some sort of physical movement in the learning process facilitates the learning process itself. Movement will create those new brain connections around the new beliefs you’re teaching yourself.

2) What worked for me is very similar to the emotional freedom technique.

It involves voicing your new truth, the “new script,” as well. On occasion I’d add physical movement to it as described below; not always, but I think it works very well.

Here are the steps:

Take a belief, the voice, or feeling you have that you want to change.

For instance, the feeling can be the fear you will hurt someone you’re in a relationship with. “I only hurt them.” “I’d better leave before I hurt them.” “I fear I’ll lose control.”

Time to replace the above sentences with something else. It’s best to say it out loud. If you can’t right away, first think it. Then learn to say it out loud, with conviction.

“I’m a GREAT partner.”

“I provide her with love and support.”

“I give them love and support.”

This will feel fake at first.
That’s OK. The old script is still running in your head.

But as you voice the new you, as you hear that new voice, while there’s still resistance inside you, it will occur to you, not just logically but as a form of an internalized belief and a feeling, that:

You know that you can be a great partner.

There’s no reason to live the life dictated to you by somebody else. Whoever or whatever hurt you. You can live your own life.

“I’m a great partner.”

“I’m a loving, supportive ( insert what matches your situation.)”

You can add some humor to it, too.

“I’m the best she’s ever had.”

You can be, if you so decide.

I read it’s good to use simple tense here as opposed to the future tense.

If you do this enough times, it will replace the old voice and the old feelings.

In place of that knot, you will feel love and compassion for yourself. You will wonder how you have not seen the obvious before: You can be and are a great partner. You used to harbor certain feelings, and now they’re gone.

How can you “let go” of anything if there’s nothing equally strong to take its place?

How can you “let go” of something when you focus and hold onto it?

Focus on the new you instead.

Devise your new reality. Give it a physical shape by voicing it, with conviction, no matter what other voices you felt inside.

In studies, when people were told to focus on the outcome they DIDN’T want, the one they wanted to avoid, that outcome became much more likely then the desired outcome.

Focus, strongly, on what you want, by giving it a voice and adding movement to it.

I’ve never done tapping on the acupuncture points myself, the physical motion I attached to voicing my new beliefs is implementing the “power pose” as per the TED talk I link to below. I wanted a strong positive association with whatever I was voicing; cortisol down.

The TED talk in question interestingly also deals with feeling like an imposter that might apply to you in the beginning, while you still feel that “this isn’t me.” Soon you will know this is you.

As the time passes, you will see how ridiculous that cocktail of emotions and self-limiting beliefs that you carried inside was, and you will feel even more love and compassion for yourself.

Last but not least:

This is not your fault.

If the knot of guilt and shame is still there, you don’t know it yet.

“This is not my fault.”

“This is not my fault.”

Repeat it over and over, until the knot loosens up.

Living with guilt or shame is common in your situation.

But it’s not your fault.

I’m not saying it’s anybody’s fault.
Everything’s so complex. Casting blame only ties you to the source of hurt. It doesn’t help.

It’s not your fault though.

Some links to videos on the Emotional Freedom Technique:

A database of videos on Dr. Mercola’s website:

http://eft.mercola.com/

Those videos are also available on YouTube, for instance here: a demonstration of the technique by an EFT practitioner Julie Schiffman.
https://youtu.be/IWu3rSEddZI

Next, a link to a short video by, as I understand, the founder of the technique himself:

That links to a short video part 1, part 2 pops up right underneath. He assumes there you know some basic tapping points etc. but you can watch it regardless and it will give you a general idea.

There are countless other videos on YouTube that are easy to find.

A link to the TED talk mentioned:

Thanks, and I hope this helps.