Thank you Anita for your advice. No matter what, it hurts. And it’s difficult. Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate all the advice.

I remain nice and happy around her. I do nice things for her like cooking dinner sometimes breakfast. Taking her on dates. We found that we like to go bike riding on the weekends. Those moments makes me feel so happy being with a person like her. I’ve been talking less lately and I think she is sensing that something is off with me.

I hide it away from her. I don’t want to hurt her with how I feel.

It’s just so hard because she just recently moved in with me. Now I feel like I like I’m a big mistake. She feels guilty of all her mistakes in the past already. I don’t want to be another person in her life letting her down.

I’m afraid that I will hurt her if I bring this up. We already talked about it before and I can feel that it hurts her as she feels I’m judging her even though I tried to talk to her about it as responsibly as I could.

I don’t want to keep hurting her by bringing it up. But now I’m left battling this on my own.

I do have a sexual past. But this is the reason why I feel so bad. I’ve never had a girlfriend before but I have paid for sex (This is why I feel so bad for judging). That’s my only sexual experience.

I’m very jealous. I’m jealous because I don’t feel all that special being her nth boyfriend. I’m very jealous cause I didn’t meet her earlier in my life. I’m jealous that all the names she calls me and the things we say to each other she has been through multiple times. She calls me “cutie”. I look at her instagram in the past, she has called her ex’s “cutie”. It’s so hard trusting that all of it is real. She has fallen in love many times.

I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never had to call someone babe, or do special things for someone. Every time she does special things for me, I wonder how many times she has done that before. I wonder every day if she really finds me attractive, or staying with me because I’m nice, safe, and have my life together. Nice and safe, because she knows someone like me would never cheat, lie, and have a promising future. It’s true, I can never cheat and I’ve given up lying for good.

I wonder everyday if I’m just a big rebound from all the wrong “attractive” guys she has been with.

I guess my ego wants to feel special. My ego wants to know there is something special about me.

I guess all of this, is just me having so much trouble I can be attractive to someone other than what I can provide. It’s just so painful to think that could be the case. It makes me just breakdown and cry.

Update: so we got together again Friday, basically doing the same thing but doing it sober. We went out and had lots of laughter and silliness and we went back to my apartment and had sex. When we woke up in the morning, I asked her to be my girlfriend and she agreed. So she is my girlfriend now.

Now, my question is how will my relationship with my friends that are girls but also girls I was pursuing change? Before Bre and I happened, I made sure to make friends with a lot of girls. I thought it would increase my odds of finding someone. I’ve made plans with these girls before Bre and I happened. I agreed to go on a road-trip with some girl. And, I agreed to a date with another girl that is coming back from a month long vacation. I also am in regular text messages with other girls.

Just to be clear, I did not agree to these plans after Bre an I had our Friday accidental date. So, how do I deal with this situation? Should I tell Bre this? How would a girl view this kind of behavior? How do I cancel my plans with these other girls?