Aislynn and Melissa,

I’ve been thinking about your thoughts on the limits of our control. So true that our control exists against a background of limitations. True, but we always have a choice in the way we respond. We choose our actions following the antecedents in our lives. Not only that, but as our choices demonstrate more responsibility, it seems we are trusted by some unseen entity with greater responsibility and more resources. Anyway, you’re right, but I’d argue that our capacity can grow and the limitations can shrink as we amble through life with the best of intentions and mindfulness. 🙂

Regards,

Mark

A word on forgiveness: You don’t need to have a conversation to forgive. You can simply, within yourself, forgive… You don’t need to be in the presence of the abuser to forgive. Something amazing happens when you let go of your attachment to such a negative influence.

Even hints of forgiveness are helpful. You begin to recognize the man for who he is. more than likely, he was abused also. More than likely, he’s operating on what he knows based on his ingrained beliefs and emotions, however warped. To break the cycle by letting go has the ability to free you from those hurt and aimless feelings. Again, it’s a process though. I hope this helps.

Cheers,

Mark

Not to spam, but I recently wrote a post on this very thing with my take. 🙂
http://www.letgohello.com/three-places-you-can-visit-to-get-over-your-smallness/

Billie,

I feel like I know what you’re talking about. I’ve felt the same way in different seasons of my own personal life. I too come from a relatively stable background. The most difficult step for me was in realizing that my feelings were valid and I actually had a right to feel the emotions I was feeling.

Just because you aren’t living in a war torn country, it doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel the feelings you’re feeling. In fact, often when our base needs are fulfilled, depression can be stronger because we believe there should be no reason for our depression. Like the great Texas troubadour Townes Van Zandt sang on To Live is to Fly:

“We all got holes to fill
And them holes are all that’s real”

…and:

“Everything is not enough
And nothin’ is too much to bear
Where you’ve been is good and gone
All you keep’s the getting there”

So true. Some day, you may find that the adversities and these experiences that you’ve had with your family brought the color to your life. It pays to look at things objectively though.

Sure you’re allowed to feel the way you do, but what next. Knowing your feelings are valid doesn’t make them go away. I thought it was funny what you said about being able to will away emotions. It reminded me of an old Seinfeld episode when Kramer brought “serenity now” onto the scene…eventually, he and George’s emotions were so bottled up they exploded. Certainly not a long term solution. Focusing on the positive has merit, but it won’t get you there.

You said that you were not quite willing to seek help outside of the forums. I’d invite you to reconsider. A counselor/life coach/therapist…can make all the difference. It’s really nice to have another person to talk to and who will listen to you completely objectively (a person without skin in the game). It’s often free, or paid for by insurance depending on where you live. Sessions are confidential, and they will typically go through what to expect in the first session.

I think Inky is on the right track. It may be good to pursue something you’re excited about. There are so many blogs on “finding your passion”… When we take steps on the path we are meant to walk, when we stop trying to live someone else’s plan for us, joy tends to creep back into our lives.

Your partner sounds really quite unique and understanding. I’m wondering about your impression of WHY you’re seeking out that male comfort and reassurance. This is one area counseling could help, but I’m wondering if it has to do with filling a void left by your father’s conditional love. I’m not going to pretend to know.

The birthmark? I doubt other people are even as remotely concerned about it as you. We often hyper focus on our own issues and the truth is, other people are so concerned about their own faults to bother worrying about yours. Read the clasic play Cyrano de Bergerac. :)…or the modernized movie with Steve Martin “Roxanne”. The main protagonist lives with an unusually large nose…

Anyway, I’m hoping that what I wrote will help you to look at your situation a little differently. Basically, your feelings are valid, these adversities may make amazing poetry some day, pursue something that lights you up with some of your free time, and don’t be afraid to get live 1:1 help. You can’t begin to imagine what your potential is until you open up and take the steps. 🙂

Cheers,

Mark

Maria,

That feeling you’re feeling is very common. Hang in there. It’s something that most people would agree they have felt. If they say they haven’t, they’re lying to you. 🙂 Although I don’t know your personal circumstances, from my own experience and the research I’ve done, depression tends to come from our anxiety about the future. We look into the future at the person we want to become and see a big void between that place and where we are now. The trick is to pay attention to that ideal in your heart (the what) and forget about the how. You don’t need to know. There is too much in that void that you discover on the path to getting there anyway. It can’t all be worked out before you start something. Just start, and then change course… The real drama (drama in a good way) comes when we begin to take small steps toward that thing we want. For you, it seems to be travel, or doing something more mechanical. (Keep in mind also that you can travel most of the world on less than $10 per day. In my early 20’s, I did just that and spent a year traveling all over the world. There was a site called “ArtofTravel.com where I got most of my ideas for traveling on a budget, and traveling light. I think it’s still up.)

The other area I’d caution you on is the regret piece. It seems you are regretting your choice of study and wishing you could have chosen something different. Regret tends to come from too much thinking on the past could-have-beens. In reality, you may find that someday, everything you have done in the past was for a reason and the fact is that you actually needed all that experience. Any way you look at it, the solution seems to be to focus on today, right now, your first step toward what you really want to do and be. Be it now.

I wish you the best!

Mark

Hey all, I’m brand new to Tiny Buddha.

I’d argue that, although control can be considered an illusion, we actually do have control of our lives. We don’t need to turn our lives over to a higher power to get there either. I’d suggest that the moment we begin to pursue a worthwhile goal (one we’re passionate about), is the moment we take control of our lives. Within that pursuit or journey is where happiness lives and it’s the place where we have control.

Sure, we’re faced with things out on that scary road, but those things are all just tests. They are just testing how badly we want that thing we’re after…whether it’s a relationship, money, freedom, enlightenment, or whatever else. We are always in control of whether we retreat, or if we take the next step, and then the next…as we strive for our goal.