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April 8, 2018 at 9:44 pm #201409
Leocube
Participant@anita When they said āI love youā, they meant it. That phrase still means the same thing now that it did back then, only now do they realize that it just doesnāt matter, because they finally realize that their love was insignificant in the grand scheme of things. What they thought was āloveā, was only the means to their own self-interest.
April 8, 2018 at 4:43 pm #201343Leocube
Participant@heyitsjess I think moving on applies to any situation where a person finds themselves dwelling on the past, whether the negative experience was their fault or not. At the end of the day, everyone wants to be happy and at peace. You may have made a big mistake in the past, and you may have ruined someoneās be life, but looking at the bigger picture, what you did had no impact on how the universe operates. People can be shitty to each other, people can be kind, at the end of the day, nothing matters. Your loved ones will die, you will die, you will be forgotten, the Earth is only an atom in spaceā¦it just doesnāt matter. Some people operate on taking advantages of others, some are selfless, both will die in the end.
Of course, itās normal to feel bad, especially if youāve made a mistake, but if you truly feel remorseful and had done everything in your power to make it right, then itās time to move on. Or should we sacrifice our own happiness to correct the wrong that we did?
As for the subject of meditation, I think your method can help a person get a deeper understanding of his own self, whereas mine is to simply organize or compartmentalize. I will try what you have shared since I will be interested in what I will find about myself .
April 7, 2018 at 9:39 pm #201245Leocube
ParticipantThroughout my entire childhood, Iāve heard this sentence āthereās nothing you can do about it, so just move onā on many occasions. Whenever I asked people how they were able to deal with a negative experience, they would always give me that answer. At that time, I understood the logic, the logic made sense, but I never could adapt to it. I never could just āmove onā. I would dwell on it, I would think about what I could have done, what I should have done, what the other party could have done, whose fault it was. I would think about it for hours, days, years. I wish that I could explain my though process, but I couldnāt, because for some reason, at 24 years of age, I am now able to just āmove onā. Something just clicked inside me and I was able to let go. Things happened, and there isnāt really anything that I can do about it now, so why dwell on it?
Iād be lying if I say that Iām enlightened. Iām not, Iām still evolving. Sometimes things pop back up in my head and I would dwell on it, then I have to remind myself to āmove onā. Memories are not as painful/embarrassing as they used to be, they happened, and the world keeps turning. I would suggest something that I call āvisual meditationā. It is a technique that has worked for me. Itās essentially your usual meditation, combining with a concept called āmind palaceā (I learned from watching Sherlock Holmes). You can spend 30 minutes to do this before going to bed, and try to do it everyday so you are able to rewire the way your brain works.
Imagine yourself in complete darknessā¦ā¦ā¦. Any bad memories/thoughts that comes up in your head, let it surface, donāt suppress it. This is where you will actually get in touch with those thoughtsā¦ā¦ā¦ Seeing yourself in 3rd person sitting there in complete darkness, with these memories floating around you, like little screensā¦.By seeing yourself in 3rd person, you are able to disassociate form your emotions and feelings. ā¦ā¦..Now line them up in anyway that you like, and imagine a little file cabinet. ā¦ā¦Any memories that you donāt like thinking about, put them in that little cabinet, and now theyāre goneā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦. Yes, they will pop up again, and you would again close your eyes, come back to your space of total darkness and that little file cabinet that you imagined before, and put that little file back in thereā¦ā¦ā¦ā¦. Over time, your space of darkness can now have a table and a chair, and that little file cabinet, ā¦.maybe this time you would have another file cabinet, for something else, letās say āwork related cabinetā. ā¦ā¦.You can start to expand your space and build your old āpalaceā, where you can visually organize your thoughts/feelingsā¦ā¦ā¦.Remember to relax all your musclesā¦the muscles on your face, your buttcheeks, stomacheā¦etc..take it slow and relax.
For me, imagining myself in 3rd person was essential in the beginning since it helps me disassociate. By doing this, I was able to think clearer, I wasnāt in a constant emotional roller coaster like before. My brain actually feels more organized and I was able to live in the present and not the past or the future. I now can do it with my eyes opened and to be honest, I havenāt been doing it as often as I should have since I felt ācuredā, but Iām getting back into it now.
Just something that i would like to share, maybe you have your own technique that I would love to learn.
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This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by
Leocube.
April 7, 2018 at 6:31 pm #201241Leocube
Participant30. I love you because Jesus would want me to love you.
31. Iāve been saying āI love youā for 75 years but only now when Iām on my death bed do I truly understand what it means.
32. Iāve been saying āI love youā for 75 years but only now when Iām on my death bed do I realize that Iāve only been loving myself.
33. I love you because Iām really fond of you and the only word that I can use to describe what Iām feeling is āloveā.
34. I love you because Iāve been taught to say those words to people I donāt hate.
35. My life is great and Iām feeling better than ever so here is a āloveā for you, you random stranger. Arenāt I great?
36. I love you because thatās what people say to each other and Iām kinda trying to fit in.
37. I love you because Iām expecting it back 40 years down the road.
ā¦one or two of these are what I mean when I tell people that I love them.
March 22, 2018 at 6:28 pm #198903Leocube
Participant@anita Hi, to answer your question, I do tend to think alot about people even if they have no positive value in my life. For example, I still think about my middle school bully occasionally and wonder what his life is like right now. Obviously I donāt like him, but if itās someone that I know and interact with for a long period of time, I will think about them. If a person has ever triggered some sort of strong emotion in my brain, I will remember and think about them. Sometimes I get giddy on the thought that I no longer have to be associated with my family, but sometimes, I get an image in my head of my motherās face looking sad and I think to myself that maybe I wonāt be as giddy and happy as I thought I would be. I still stand by my decision, I just need to get these thoughts out there somewhere.
I feel sorry for my family. I want them to be well and happy, maybe death would be better. I wish that they could just die painlessly and swiftly so at least I donāt have to worry about their future. I donāt mean like I want them dead in a vengeful way, I jsut feel that it would be in their best interest (and mine) if they were to die. Is this turning into something else? haha
March 19, 2018 at 9:58 pm #198243Leocube
Participant@anita Hi Anita, what youāve explained could very well be true, I really donāt know. Iāve never thought of myself as a deep person. I feel what I feel and most of the times, I act on the shallow emotions that I feel. I donāt tend to analyse them very much. Iām just thinking out loud here, but itās almost like, I canāt undo what I already know. I know of my family, and Iāve spent a good 18 years of my life living with them, I think it makes sense that I would be thinking about them from time to time. But on the otherhand, thereās something telling me that if they arenāt worth being in my life, then I wouldnāt be thinking about them at all. The fact that I will think about them could mean that maybe they are worthy to have in my life.
Before they move in with me, I was living alone and rarely contacted them, I was completely ok. Only now that Iāve decided to cut ties with them, my brain is thinking up of all the āifsā. I feel like only time can answer these questions. I tend to overthink and doubt myself alot, so this may also be one of those moments as well, I really hope that it is.
@Peter Thanks for you insights. I rarely think in term of āIām a bad person/Iām a good personā. What I do think is whether I am good enough. Whether I truly deserve these achievements. I just want to know objectively what my real ability is. Thatās why I dropped out of college, I didnāt take my parents money, and started working minimum wage right when I turned 18. I wanted to know had I not been given money, or a college education like a good amount of the population, would I amount to anything. I usually compare myself to the people that started with nothing, rather than the people that were blessed with money and a good education.March 15, 2018 at 7:03 pm #197525Leocube
ParticipantSorry for the super super late reply, sometimes I get emotional and went online to rant then I would forget all about it, sort of like a blackout.
@VJ : Thanks for your insight, I donāt like to get too comfortable as Iāve experienced my bubbles being busted before. I think that I understand what you mean when youāre talking about these energy being formed. Not quite like ākarmaā, but something like ācause and effectā. Iāve thought about these things before too but Iāve also wondered whether everything is just coincidental. Some people have crappy lives just because, and some people have amazing luck just because.
@anita : Hi anita, itās nice to hear from you. Itās amazing that youāre able to remember the things that I (and hundreds of others) have told you. I have decided to cut ties with my family, that decision still stands. They have agreed to move out by June this year. Theyāre looking into buying a house or an apartment in the mean time. I realize that although we may not be on the same boat, but I do feel grateful for the things that theyāve done for me and I would like to return the favor by giving them time to get their situation in order. Iām thinking of giving them my small house as a gift and move somewhere else because frankly, I would prefer they not know where I live. Iāve worked hard to buy that house, but I never really cared much for money. Iāve talked to them about it and they donāt want to have my house and insist that I stay here while they move away. Either way, I will be moving somewhere else. I wonāt be having any contact with them after I move away.I actually donāt feel proud about this, it just feels long overdue. I donāt feel happy or sad about it, I just feel like it was only necessary. If youāre able to reply, i have a question that I would like to ask you. I know that after I move away, I will be thinking about them from time to time for the rest of my life. I will be wondering how theyāre doing, if theyāre happy, if theyāre sad. I will be reminiscing about the good times that we had. What does this mean? Does this mean that Iām regretting? Does this mean that having these thoughts are only natural? What would you call these emotions? Are they even emotions? Thank you.
@Jake: Itās weird because reading your comment, Iām actually remembering how I used to think as a kid. I wanted to be a rich and famous surgeon. I wanted all the girls to desire me. I wanted everyone to accept me as superior to them. Overall, I wanted to continue being in the same social class that I was born into (my parents are surgeons and my family is well respected in my home country). Typically in my culture, being a doctor has got to be one of the most respected jobs. Even the richest guy in my country had came to our family to extend respect to my parents after my mom saved his daughter. I used to look down on people who work ālabor jobsā, like dishwashers, cooks, severs, cashiers, movers etc. Not look down, but I never thought that today I would be working one of these labor jobs, and enjoying it. If I were to tell my 18 year old self that I would be a cook in the future, my 18 year old self would have been greatly disappointed. I guess the younger me wouldnāt have considered my life right now as āluckyā.November 16, 2017 at 3:14 pm #178405Leocube
ParticipantThank you. I never realized how āeasyā this was. Iām glad I finally did it. Now that Iāve told them, I no longer have any negative reaction to their presence.
September 29, 2017 at 5:42 pm #170995Leocube
Participant@anita Sorry for the late reply, Iāve been busy with work these past few days.
Iāve been thinking a lot about this and Iāve decided to do some meditation and self reflection like you suggested. I think Iām not very sure myself about letting them go either. I would like to clear my head first and really objectively look at this whole situation and decide what I should do. Cutting ties is a thought that has been in the back of my mind for a very long time, even since I was a little kid. I knew that I wanted them out of my life, but I never wanted it badly enough until now.
I think my parents have many traits of a narcissistic personality. Itās very weird because I can sense that their actions are manipulative, but emotionally, I feel like theyāre good people who are just misunderstood. Thank you for your advice and suggestions. Iāve been thinking about this for a long time but now Iām going to actually seriously consider leaving them. I used to ask this question when my urges got too strong, but after a few days, I would tell myself that maybe itās not necessary. But I can see that this thought keeps popping up and I need to deal with it once and for all. Otherwise, nothing will change.
Also, I believe that my brother genuinely love our parents. Iāve talked to him about me leaving before and he urged me not to do it. He always has nice things to say about them. I would say that my brother and my parents are very alike in many ways. They just seem to get along with each other very well without any effort. Maybe heās just faking it, that could be true. If heās faking this, then heās a really good actor.
September 26, 2017 at 1:01 pm #170457Leocube
Participant@anita I do believe that they donāt want me to hate them, and so they changed their way. What Iāve been taught is that as a child, I have to be grateful to my parents and take care of them in their old age, so they maybe wanting someone to take care of them when they got old. However, they have a lot of money back in our home country. They can just hire people to take care of them. Theyāre on good terms with my brother so he can take care of them. They moved to this country because they āmissā me and would like āthe whole family to stay togetherā. My brother has a good relationship with them despite being treated the same as I was, so thatās one of the reason why Iām thinking maybe this is all my problem.
Does it sound to you like theyāre genuine people? Because since Iām not an outsider, I sometimes may not see the full picture. Everyone around me has been treated this way, my parents were treated this way, and everyone turned out fine (like my brother), It seems that Iām the only one who dwells on these past experiences and I donāt know if itās my fault.
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This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by
Leocube.
September 25, 2017 at 2:19 pm #170253Leocube
Participant@anita Thank you for clarifying to me. I didnāt mention before, but my parents have became more bearable to endure comparing to my school years. Which is why this is complicated for me. They werenāt very understanding when I was a small kid, but since I have expressed my disdain for them at 18 before moving to another country, I think theyāve changed and became more flexible in how they treat me. This is how I feel when I think about this subject. They have treated me badly as a kid, but all because of our culture and what they thought was the right thing, I expressed my feelings to them (I hate this family and Iām moving to a different country), theyāve changed. Seeing this, to me, it means that theyāre not bad people. But because they treated me badly in the past, Iām now who I am because of that and I donāt know how to change otherwise, so my solution is to sever all ties.
I can focus on my feelings, but at the same time, I know that they are not bad people and I canāt leave them without feeling like maybe this isnāt justified. If they were bad people, this would have been very easy for me and I wouldnāt have asked for any help, but theyāre not bad people and thatās why itās hard for me. What should I do if focusing on my feelings alone is not enough?
September 24, 2017 at 9:00 am #170019Leocube
Participant@anita Thanks for your follow up. I was thinking more on the line of if I try and recall the insensitive things that they did, I would feel more justified in leaving them. I donāt know how focusing on how I used to feel would help this process. I think youāre trying to get me to put my feelings first. Will this ultimately help me undo my emotional attachment? How can it do that?
September 23, 2017 at 4:27 pm #169965Leocube
Participant@anita Thank you for your advice. I will familiarize my brain with the images of my family being hurt. Would it help to quicken the process if I also try to focus on all the insensitive things that they did to me when I was a kid? Or would this lead me to the wrong mindset? I donāt want to hate them, I just want to get rid of the emotional attachment that I have for them.
September 22, 2017 at 4:52 pm #169919Leocube
Participant@anita I really want to leave my family, but when I do bring this up, my family is very hurt by this. Iām not sure if this is them trying to manipulate me, or if they genuinely feel bad, Iām leaning more on the latter. I think my family genuinely care for me, but because of how they treated me in the past (or what they thought was the right thing to do), I canāt open up to them. I would like to ārewireā my brain so that I could have no emotional attachment to them. How can I do this?
September 20, 2017 at 6:55 pm #169625Leocube
Participant@anita Sometimes I feel like the things that happened to me in my childhood shaped who I am today. However, there are also times when I feel like I was just being a little kid, and little kids cry, little kids fantasize about going on adventures, and how my parents treated me was like how other parents would treat their kids. I came from a different culture where these things are pretty normal. I have been beaten as a kid by my parents, and so were all of my friends. I was teased by my parents and so were all of my friends, it was āNormalā in my culture. My first impression of my home was that it was stressful because my parents (especially my father) were very strict about school. However, there were also times where I genuinely felt happy to be in that family, mostly when we would go on vacations, or when they bought me things.
Iām very attached to my doll because I can be myself around it. That, you are right. I was a shy kid and never had anyone I felt like I could open up to emotionally, and my doll was the only person/thing that Iāve always been close with. I would murder anyone who tries to harm my doll. What I donāt know is whether I was just a sensitive kid that got affected by the smallest things, or whether my childhood was actually as lonely as I felt like it was. I feel like Iām just sensitive
@Peter You are right about that. I used to watch national geographic and wolves are indeed pack animals. I guess I used the wrong term to describe how I feel. This is a rant so I just said whatever comes to mind. As you could see, my post wasnāt that coherent, there were several thoughts that are all over the place.
@PearceHawk It would be better to not dwell much on the āLone wolfā analogy. I misused it. I guess what Iām trying to say is that I donāt want any attachment, at least not to the people that I didnāt choose to have that attachment (my family). If I were to have an attachment to someone, it would be an attachment that I chose to create (like with my doll), not one where I was forced and brainwashed into (with my family). Keep in mind that Iām an extreme person, so how I feel may not accurately represent reality. I want to be emotionally free from my family, whom I donāt particularly care for as people, but somehow there is a part of me that is attached to them. I would pity them if I leave, and I would be miserable if I stay.I donāt know what my personality is. I can look back on experiences and predict how I would react in a situation, and I call that my personality. I can truly be free (live in the moment) when Iām with my doll. Whenever I interact with people, I always put up a front, doesnāt matter who. The thing is that when I put up a front around outsiders (caring, generous, personal), I feel ok, but when I put up a different front around my family (tough, non emotional, jaded), I get kind of pissed off. As if Iām thinking āwhy the hell are you in my life? why canāt I get rid of you?ā. I could choose to feed the kind wolf, I could choose to be happy with my family, I just donāt want to. Itās like if you hate a certain food, and youāre being fed that food everysingle day, your reaction would be to get away from that situation, not wanting to embrace it.
Yes, counselling is maybe out of the question. The thought of paying someone to be your friend is ridiculous to me. I could get opinions from people who have had much more life experiences, instead of paying someone to try to read me and ticking a checklist in the DSM to see which mental illness I may be having, if any of them is real at all.
@Sheya I canāt do that. I can say how I feel online because itās anonymous. I canāt place trust in an actual human being, thatās just too much risk for me.
@quackingphilosopher Doing what I want is what I desperately want to do. However, emotions are complicated and Iām trying to find a way to make it simple. I wish to just be able to do what I feel like, and not having to worry about how it would affect other people.-
This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by
Leocube.
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This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by
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