Grenada that’s so awesome!  The work you do sounds super impactful.  I get what you mean about mental health hitting home…I felt that way in college too and ended up majoring in psychology, even though I didn’t end up pursuing it as a career.  I can’t imagine the types of things you encounter every day.  Just the thought of kids who went home to no parents is heartbreaking–it’s really frightening how bad things are right now for a lot of people.

And lol that’s so funny/strange that our TF’s are practically twinsies.  I had watched some of the videos you recommended (the twin flame revolution ones on youtube) and it was funny how much the “runner” twin flame reminded me of my TF (i forgot her name, but she’s super cool).  Just her general attitude and the conviction in her voice, her powerful way of speaking…it reminds me of my TF and why I was was so drawn to him.  It seems like she went through a period of intense addiction too, just like my TF.  I almost wonder if an addictive personality/habits is a commonality in a lot of TF runners (and chasers for that matter).

And yea the music thing is kinda crazy.  Like, I really love music and it’s always been a big part of my life.  Since the very night I met my TF he expressed how important music was to him (within like 10 minutes of meeting him he took me to his room in the middle of a party to listen to his favorite Frank Ocean tracks…dorky I know lol).  It’s like music has connected us from the start.  And I remember something he said that struck me a lot, about how, for him, music is an outlet allows him to express and feel emotions that he normally would feel uncomfortable with, or that society looks down upon.  It’s like he feels this pressure to present this positive, cool guy view to the world, when deep down he has a lot of heavy emotions brewing.  It makes me sad for him that gender stereotypes contribute him to him feeling that way—to him not being able to connect with his emotions outside of music, or to not feel comfortable expressing them with others.  I see a lot of myself in him, because I used to feel the same way, until I realized that building solid female friendships and leaning on them for a support was a way for me to release and express old toxic emotions and memories.

Haha ooh the LSATs, fun times.  And yea being a lawyer right now is rough…I do corporate law, but really want to immigrants’ rights full-time (which I’m doing now pro bono).  Before I became a lawyer I wanted to be a therapist, until I realized that doing public interest law is essentially like being a therapist and lawyer in one, lol.

And it’s funny that you mentioned communication style.  One insight I’ve gained through this whole TF experience is how much I think I’m being clear with the people I’m dating, when in fact I’m sending mixed signals.  It’s like there’s this whole inner battle raging inside of me between being the “cool girl” who just lets things unfold versus being being someone who is clear and assertive and intentional about what I want–and I guess that conflict comes out in the way I communicate.  I actually just had a romantic experience recently where I felt that inner battle, and ended things after a couple of months because I knew the guy wasn’t for me (despite our super strong chemistry).  It’s kind of crazy how much he reminded me of my TF…he had a hard, masculine shell but loves music/nature and has really deep emotions, he has addiction issues, struggles with depression, etc.  It’s like the universe sent me someone that was my mini-TF, except this time I dealt with it in a much more mature way–and didn’t get back in touch with him after I ended things, the way my old self would have.

That’s the main takeaway I get from this whole TF thing…that in the end I think I’ve come away a stronger, more enlightened person (or at least someone who is attempting to be more enlightened ha).  It’s like my TF experience, painful as it was, has given me the tools I need to be a better dater, friend, relative etc.  And maybe I needed that wayyy more than I needed a soulmate.

And yea, you’re right, asking for that feminine/masculine mix is not too hard to ask for.  Sometimes I’m just worried that I have really high expectations about things, so I downplay my desires lol.  But yea… I’m hoping that now that it’s way more clear to me what I want in a partner (that whole feminine/masculine thing, for starters), it’ll be easier for me to find them.  Or to spot them when they suddenly show up in my life.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts/experience, Grenada! 🙂

Grenada and Anita: just saw your posts!  Not sure how I missed them.

Grenada–I totally relate to everything you’ve said about your TF.  Wish there was a way to message individually or something– it’s so refreshing to hear from someone who gets what I’m experiencing.  It’s super interesting to me how people’s stories about twin flames are super similar…like, they all involve the same themes, same patterns, same behaviours.   And similar to what  you’ve said, even though I’m open to spiritual (and spiritually challenging) experiences, this has by far been one of the hardest for me to confront, because of all the feelings of self-loathing and insecurity and loneliness it’s conjured up inside me.  It’s like suddenly I’m in middle school again and have braces and acne and feel like crap about myself :p

Probably one of the most challenging aspects of this experience is how legitimately bad and judgmental I feel towards myself for still having feelings towards my TF. We went on A FEW DATES.  I live in a super fast-paced city where people date around all the time.  Heck, I date around all the time, lol.  So why am I stuck on this one person who pulled away from me? Who couldn’t be bothered to take the time to have a simple conversation with me, be honest with me, clear the air?  Who made me doubt myself, stirred up old demons inside me?  Why can’t I just be content with guys like N (my ex), who tried to make me happy and learn what makes me tick?

I know my anxious attachment style plays a part of it, but it still doesn’t completely explain the fixation I’ve felt towards this person.  It’s like the more I try to be rational, the less sense it makes– I just have to accept it for what it is.  I’ve been scared to use the TF label because that would mean accepting something that I’ve tried very hard to push away.  But even if I go a day or two or three without thinking about my TF (much), the feelings always return.  It’s like waves that ebb and flow, and the more I fight against the current the stronger my thoughts of him are.

“Maybe I need to stop assuming that because they don’t open up like I do, that they don’t notice things”–VERY TRUE.  I’ve probably made a lot of assumptions about my TF, based on his behaviour, that aren’t necessarily true.  During our last text conversation, after that crazy two-day birthday party where we had just started to open up to each other, he told me that I wasn’t the only one feeling things and that I needed to stop acting like I was the only one that would have difficulty moving on after that weekend.  He said he was still just trying to process what had happened.

It made me realise that I had no clue what was going on in his heart, and that maybe he has been going through some inner turmoil and conflict that i don’t know about.  I’ve been judging him, judging myself, when maybe i just need to accept the situation.  Which is, we both have a lot of work to do before we get together.  Not just him–me.  Because as much as I’d like to think of myself as being more spiritually awakened than him, the truth is that I have a lot of work to do, too.  If we ever do get together (reunite/ascend/that whole lingo lol) I’d like to be in a place where I feel secure enough, in myself and in my life’s path and purpose, to know that even if he were to disappear again, I’d be okay.  I wouldn’t fall apart or drown in doubt and regret and self-admonishment.

And if 100% honest with myself, it’s going to be a while until i get to that place.  I still don’t think I’ve found what truly sets my soul on fire with passion and purpose.  And maybe that’s what I need to do before I reunite with my TF/find my soulmate/etc.

Anita–thank you for your wise words as well.  I know I keep returning to this twin flame terminology, but it definitely helps to see things from a different perspective.  And this idea of  “trusting myself enough to live more spontaneously, less self consciously, less critical of myself, less on guard- like a child” is one that really resonates with me.  I’m an incredibly self-conscious and self-critical person; I always have been.  It’s part of the reason why I’m actually the one that does quite a bit of running in relationships.  I’m scared that the more a person gets to know me, the more they’ll see my flaws, my deficiencies.  But the more I progress in my spiritual journey, the more accepting I’m coming to be towards myself, slowly but surely.  And the more I want real love with someone who wants it with me as well.

Anita,

Thanks for your perspective–I agree that trust is really the building block to any meaningful relationship.  Much more so than infatuation, which is what I often worry my feelings towards S can only be described as.  For me, I cut things off with him–despite being very, very into him–because logically, I knew that I could not date someone, even casually, that didn’t respect my time, wasn’t consistent, didn’t show a genuine interest in getting to know me, etc.  And so I distanced myself from him,  because I knew that he was someone I couldn’t rely on to provide me with what I 100% know I need in a relationship.  And him saying things behind my back to suggest the feelings were one-sided only confirmed my fears that maybe I just have an unhealthy infatuation I need to work to get over.

The only problem is, the more I try to let go and move on, the more I cling onto him.  I really don’t know why.  I’ve had many relationships/flings over the years and though some have been intense, I’ve usually gotten over them without any issues (with the exception of 1 boyfriend who was on my mind for years, but that was an actual relationship.  Unlike this).  I don’t know what it is about S that makes me still think about him so often.  I try to fill my time with meaningful things–seeing friends, taking trips, hobbies–but the negative part of me feels really disappointed in myself.  Like maybe my life is so empty that I need to invent wild romances to make it more exciting.  I feel bad if that’s the case, because I really do just want to live in the present and see reality as it is instead of living in some fantasy I’ve created.

It also doesn’t help that at times S has appeared to have similar feelings, though he’s refused to actually talk about them in depth with me.  Again, the pessimistic part of me has come to the conclusion that he probably doesn’t have those feelings after all….he’s probably just getting some ego boost from having a girl that’s “super into him,” as he told his friend.  I don’t know.  I’m tired of speculating about his state of mind or emotions towards me and just want to focus on myself, but it’s really hard.  Especially since he lives in the same city and I know it’s possible that I’ll run into him in a social setting.

It’s interesting to hear your perspective on things, because I also feel like I’m moving from having an anxious attachment style to a more secure one. And a big part of the reason for that is that since meeting S, I’ve made a concerted effort to only date men who are consistent, who seem to want something long-term and who don’t ignite these crazy feelings of anxiety and self-doubt in me. I’ve also learned to express my needs more, be more comfortable with being vulnerable and end things when I realize a guy is probably avoidant.

Overall I have little doubt that my encounter with S, whether he is my TF or not, stirred up something in me that led me to a path of self-discovery and spiritual progress, and for that I am grateful. I saw the TF video you recommended and loved it (the couple is so cute and insightful!) and I do think in the end the tf/false tf flame distinction is probably irrelevant. No matter how I label S, it’s clear to me that he has had a “sacred purpose” in my life, which was basically to jump start my interest in spiritual development and to force me to re-think and modify my attachment styles in relationships.

Thanks for well wishes with regard to my TF/soulmate..wishing you the same!

Lena