My husband is not a talker and he doesn’t read or watch movies. I asked before why not and he says he struggles to understand them. I think this is because he is a very straightforward person and struggles with the imagination needed to get into a film, and doesn’t have the patience or interest for reading.

I have tried to talk to him about the fact I feel we are missing an emotional connection that makes us different to being just room mates or friends. The intimacy of being emotionally open with your partner. He said he didn’t understand what I meant, that I think too much and it’s mumbo jumbo to him.

I asked if he considered we could be more like friends rather than husband and wife (is we love each other but perhaps not ‘in love) and he said he didn’t understand the difference and love is love.

I hope that makes sense.

Hi Anita

I would like to be in a relationship with someone who values me and also I can really talk to. My husband and I find it difficult to communicate beyond the day to day simple things like ‘was your day OK?’ And ‘what shall we eat for dinner?’ Etc.

I would like to be in a relationship where we shared more, whether that be plans for the future, books we have read, an article we thought the other might find interesting. Just more interaction beyond the essential. Perhaps we might watch a movie together and talk about it after. Or eat a dinner together and spend quality time together.

I would like a partner who has a shared vision for the future and wants to do things with me-travel, days out, just generally share a life with.

I want to feel listened to, understood and an important part of my partners world. I want to be occasionally made a priority. I want someone who wants to share their life with me.

I don’t want to feel lonely in my relationship and that is how I feel now. My husband doesn’t understand me, thinks I have unrealistic expectations of life, and that my talk of an emotional connection is mumbo jumbo. It makes me feel like I am wrong for wanting a more meaningful relationship.

I want to be with someone where we are content just in each others company.

Am I being unrealistic?

Thanks

Hi Anita

I think you are right. It’s not something I have really considered until recently and since posting on here. I have always known I wanted ‘more’ in life, but it’s only since my mother told me recently that she felt I expected too much from life that I’ve really seen the differences between us.

She thinks I should be happy with my lot and not strive for more. Eg my husband is a good man, does DIY around the house, works hard, what more could I want? There doesn’t seem to be much emotional depth with my mother or my husband. I’m only just seeing the similarities now…

Hi Anita

I am very different to my parents. We have very different outlooks on life. My parents were satisfied working their manual labour jobs, one holiday a year, and spending all their free time watching TV. They also aren’t very happy together….they have ‘settled’ for each other. My mother said openly to me that my father was not the love of her life but life is like that. That’s not the sort of life I want.

I don’t want to sound like I’m being mean, I’m not, we just have very different outlooks. I don’t have children so my free time outside work is my own. I like to travel. I like to push myself and do things that take me out of my comfort zone. Last week I did a skydive to raise money for charity. I went on holiday for a few days on my own in January. I plan to attend a mindfulness weekend retreat next month. I spend a lot of time with my friends. My mother thinks I do too much and thinks the way I live my life isn’t normal. She says that I don’t seem to be able to just sit at home and relax. I do that most weekday evenings, reading, but she doesn’t seem to think that’s enough. I think the fact that I haven’t had children also frustrates her because it isn’t ‘normal’ in her eyes not to.

I’m just very aware that we are here for a very short time and I want to make the most of it. Maybe this attitude does have something to do with my marriage problems. My husband, when home from work, prefers to sit in front of the TV or do chores. Not unlike my mother. He has also said he thinks I have ‘unrealistic expectations of life’.

I don’t think I do but I would be interested to hear what others think. I just want to be on a relationship where I feel content with my partner.

Thanks

Hi Donna

Could you elaborate a bit more?

It’s funny, my mother thinks I ‘expect too much from life’ and should accept my relationship with my husband for what it is and be grateful.

Like I said earlier, my husband is a good man and he is very good at practical things. For example, the bills are paid on time, if the car needs maintenance or whatever he arranges that. From a practical partnership point of view, he is good. From an emotional point of view, not so much. That’s not to say we don’t speak – we do, but it’s always very superficial and about day to day things, eg how was your day? What shall we have for dinner? Shall we put this TV show on? We need to do such and such…  As someone who doesn’t seem to have much emotional depth, this is enough for him and he is happy and content with our relationship which is another reason why it’s difficult to change things. He cannot fix something he doesn’t consider to be broken.

Thanks Anita for your words, it’s like you have summed up the whole situation.

I wonder what is stopping me leaving him. Love? I’m not afraid of being on my own but something is stopping me leaving.

Thanks

Hello Anita

My relationship with my 1st husband was very good (if inexperienced as we started dating at 16) until 3 months after we married. He had a string of bad things happen to him (an issue at work which meant he nearly got fired, his mother got cancer, our dog died and then his parents very unexpectedly split) and this triggered a deep depression. He then became suicidal and had to see a psychiatrist. They tried him on different meds but he was never the same person again. He decided he didn’t want to be married any more, that he no longer felt the same for me. This was 3 months after our wedding. We spent the next 2 years trying to see if we could fix things but we couldn’t. He would go thru weeks of saying he thought he loved me again followed by weeks of telling me he didn’t love me. It was a very difficult time where I supported him emotionally and financially and it hurt immensely to be rejected with no real explanation. After 2 years something inside me snapped and I could no longer do ithe any more. He maintained at the end that he didn’t love me anymore and it wasn’t his mental health issues clouding it, but more him being unhappy and unsatisfied with his life causing his mental health issues. Everyone we knew including his family were deeply shocked about how he changed and our separation as it was such a bolt out of the blue.

II think when I met my current husband I was very attracted to the stability he offered and the fact he was very straightforward and trustworthy and dependable. However he literally has no emotion. He can say he loves me but he has never cried since childhood, despite his brother being killed a few years ago. On our wedding day he decided not to do a speech (on the day – I was expecting him to do one and he didn’t say he had changed his mind) because he had nothing to say. I know he loves me in his own way but I feel I am just a part of the furniture in his life rather than a priority. Relationships are a priority in my life, work is the priority with him.

Thanks

Hi Anita

We have never really had any talks about ‘important ‘ stuff. Not even about whether or not to have children! I don’t think either of us have a massive urge to have kids but when I tried to talk to him about it I just got the reply ‘I’m not adverse to it’. And that was it.

We don’t talk about things we want to do together, places we want to visit, what we want from our future. We live very much in the moment and reactive around his work and schedule. He would never initiate a dinner, weekend away, holidays. He will go with me if he is free.

It was just so different with my work colleague. We discussed books, movies, what we wanted from life, the future. I don’t know.  It’s so hard to explain.

I tried to talk to my husband about our lack of emotional connection and depth and he said I was talking mumbo jumbo and he didn’t understand.

Does that make any sense to you?