“Does compassion/empathy for him can be expressed just by being polite, understanding his suffering but protecting myself from him by don’t letting him to get close to me (I must visit my grandmother daily)?”

In my case with my mother, that is exactly how I apply my “compassion”. I am polite and listen to her, but only in so much as I can maintain my own protective boundary. When I find this is being crossed by her, or I am no longer able to withstand her behavior or words, I simply speak with someone else if there is another person in the room or leave/end the conversation politely if we are alone. I don’t know your uncle so I am not sure whether this would work in your case. But, sometimes , as in my case (so far), it is possible to deal “compassionately”, with someone who causes you pain whilst protecting your boundaries. In other cases, however, it will not be (as is the case with my abusive ex). We all find our own way and no two ways are the same, nor one more right than the other.

The important thing to remember in all of this is that the fact you are searching for the answer to this important question, already shows you are indeed a “compassionate” person.

Oh and for what it’s worth, I cried A LOT , and I am glad I did. Crying is a necessary part of the grieving and healing process.

Let it out my dear.

Hi Dave,
Great question and one I am struggling with myself at this moment. At the beginning of 2015, I ended a 4 year relationship which involved continuous and increasing levels of emotional abuse and displays of aggression. I am committed to a process of healing and growth- focusing on me and building self-love, self-esteem, and better personal boundaries. I decided to go complete no contact with my ex, following advice from friends/family, and my therapist. This has helped me a lot. However, I struggle with this question of having compassion for him (my-ex). In my case, I believe having compassion for him inside of me- my thoughts and feelings about him and why he treated me as he did- is enough. I don’t need to share that with him directly, as unfortunately, he has not changed and his path is not aligned to my path, and he will only hurt me further. I realise this situation is very particular and probably doesn’t answer your question, in cases where one must be in regular contact with the person who causes one hurt. But, in the spirit of this great forum, I wanted to share my experience and belief with respect to the “internal” process – holding that person in a place of compassion within your mind and heart. I also have a VERY troubled relationship with my mother who we (sibblings) believe is narcissistic. This case is much more complicated, as I cannot (and I guess do not want) avoid continuing contact, some form of relationship with her. I still struggle to feel compassion for her when she resorts to her pain-inducing behaviors, but I find the following helps: 1. Limit my contact with her; 2. Before I meet/speak with her, talk to myself and kindly remind myself I cannot (nor should I) try to change her (she is the way she is) and prepare myself mentally for our encounter so I can cope with whatever she throws/delves out; 3. During the encounter, I try and stay very aware of my feelings when with her (sensations I feel, my breathing etc) and separate myself from them (like an outside observer), and if I struggle to do this I simply remind myself again she has no control over her behaviour and I should not take it personally. 4. After the encounter- I do not allow myself to dwell on any negativity from the encounter OR release/replace it with positive feelings, by doing something I love doing (photo-walk, hill-walking, meet a good friend, or sibbling. I struggle with all of this still, but I find more and more I manage to retain a feeling of compassion for her, whilst maintaining my own personal boundaries. I think this is the important part to all of this. Having compassion does not mean you lay down your protective boundaries. It just means you no longer hold resentful or negative feelings towards the person, give them some of your time (if that is what YOU want to do), and realise you have control over how you allow or don’t allow their behaviour/words/actions to affect you. This is my belief and approach to your question and I have taken a VERY LONG time to get here but I feel free , empowered and happy.