Dear Anita,

I honestly have no idea what I would say. It makes me anxious thinking about it and the outcome.

This just makes me feel a lot worse. My mind keeps running back to what if I did this, what if I was able to help us with what I didn’t know was up.

Tons of various thoughts. I would like to try again, but I realize now as well, he does probably have his own issues. As far as me I’ve been realizing I do need to work on myself. A lot to figure out how to get through this. But I deeply had hope that we could work through this, but again I’ve yet to contact him.

thank you Anita!

~L

Hi Anita,

I haven’t spoken to him via text/phone since he broke up with me Monday. With the exception of sending that badly worded text asking if he could call my parents so they could apologize and explain. That was Monday night, a few hours after he broke up with me. He didn’t respond.

I’ve wanted to contact him, but I’m very scared he will not answer or respond. I don’t know what to say or if I want to be hurt by any lack of response by him. So I’ve just been talking to my friends and mom, mainly about how much I want to contact him and how much I wanted this. And their response was that: if he cared/loves me he would’ve already tried to contact me. I’m at a loss.

~L

Dear Anita,

That’s possible about my dad. He eventually hugged me later, but the rest of the time I held back crying around them. I know they’ve been mad at my ex, by the way they’ve said he hurt me and I shouldn’t be crying for him. That he’s an a*hole and if he really cared he wouldn’t have done this me.

I have slight hope that things could work out, but I also just wonder why, still, why my ex chose this route if he truly did love me. It’s a hard thing to accept. Especially because he changed so abruptly and didn’t want to see me to end things and didn’t see how it would hurt me being dumped over the phone.

Thank you for helping me realize a few things and for continuing to respond to my ramblings due to this heartbreak I’m having the hardest time with.

~L

Hi Anita,

His job wasn’t illegal or immoral, but just with my parents being religious, I didn’t think they would’ve approved. Once I did tell them, my dad was like oh cool, I wouldn’t have thought that. So I right away wanted to tell him I told my parents and sent that long text. Which I regret now.

I believe his referring to being a bad influence was to his job, but he never said directly.

Was it my fault that I didn’t know our relationship was okay? I feel like I hurt him now that I’m realizing how I and my family came across. It adds to the various ways I’m hurting.

I’ve been hoping maybe we would work out and get through this, but he hasn’t reached out. And I want to apologize, but I don’t know what good that will do. I love him very much and I feel at such a loss with this, knowing I might’ve been able to change my reactions and intentions to have a better relationship.

~L

Dear Anita,

Thank you for the insight so much.

He did say he didn’t feel like he was good enough for me and my family. That I am my family and my family is me. He also said that actions speak louder then words. That even though I wanted to invite him over or I thought of taking him food. Or that I thought about asking him to have breakfast with us, he said I didn’t. I honestly didn’t think it was such an issue to him. I remember he said on the convo, if I had met his mom and step dad, they wouldn’t have said anything negative. She would’ve tried to include me as much as possible. I don’t know if he’s returned from his mothers. But I know most of our conversation/ break up, we were both crying and he mentioned he had just arrived to their house. That he couldn’t stay on the phone.

It just really hurts that he says he loves me and cares for me. He said it quite a few times, but would always say this was going to be better for me. That he would move back to his home and he’d be alone forever. I tried so hard to reassure him that he had me and my son. That my family didn’t hate him and they wouldn’t resent him.

I failed to explain to my parents how serious our relationship had become. They didn’t know his job (I was afraid to tell them, didn’t think they approve), they didn’t know we spoke of moving. After we broke up, I finally called them and told them everything. My dad asked me to send a text rom them, but rereading it, it wasn’t probably worded in the best way. I’ll just post it… “I talked to my parents. I told them what you do for work. They don’t mind. They said everything you think is totally wrong. And that everything I told you is right. They’re happy for me and baby that we have you. My mom and dad asked if they could explain themselves. Right now, they don’t feel too good that you think they don’t accept you. They’re asking if you could please call so they can tell you how they feel about our relationship. That you are welcome. They’re happy that I’m with you and that you make me and my son happy. Then I left my moms number. But again he never responded or called them. My dad asked to send another text, but I didn’t. It was more like: If you want, send this…
“Good morning T, Mr. B here. Apparently you have some serious misconceptions of who we and what we think of you. I would appreciate a call to clear up any confusion on your part…and I’d say, ours. We would like an opportunity to explain ourselves. Thank you.”

I never sent that text. I had hope that he would reach out within the days following, but he didn’t and he still hasn’t. I really want to contact him, but I’m scared he’ll ignore me. It just hurts so much because he said he still loves me and cares for me. I fear I went about this all wrong in the end. I just wish I had been able to see all this before he ended things.

~L

Airene,

To answer your question: “But if you knew any of that, and the relationship didn’t end, would you ever feel comfortable in the relationship?  Or would you just be waiting for the same thing to happen, but on a different day?”

I think if I knew what the problems were. If he had been able to express things and we were still in a relationship, I would’ve tried for us and him to find solutions together.

The reasons he gave for breaking up we’re about my family and my son. He said he loved me and cared for me that’s why he was doing this. That it would be better for us in the long run. That he wasn’t good enough for me and my family. It’s so hard to understand.

Thank you for the response.

~L