Hi Bridget and Noek,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses.

Bridget – you are right, indeed. I do need to focus on rebuilding that relationship with myself. I need to get out of this cycle of self blame. It’s just very confusing – she was my best friend, my closest confidant, the person I turned to for support for 2 years. So, I am missing a major part of my life… This feels excruciating in the pit of my stomach all the time. On one hand, we have to be self-sufficent in love, at the same time, we’re all social beings, no? Is this just about accepting loss as part of life?

Noek, thank you for the insight! I appreciate you framing it this way – depression is a very powerful time to learn about the self. I should treat it as a bizarre gift, rather than an affliction. Regarding my ex, we did have an interaction similar to the one you described: I apologized in person and sent two hand written letters. She is utterly shut off from me, she is so cold and weirdly distant that it’s almost like talking to a different person. She has her own traumatic experiences from growing up, and the ability to disassociate from feelings. I feel such guilt that I caused this state in her and that I broke a really beautiful relationship. It’s hard to forgive myself. Maybe I’m looking to her for proof that I’m not terrible?

[Also, one small note, I am not a bro, I am a sis! 🙂 ]

I just still don’t know how you reconcile with yourself, or forgives yourself… This advice is so helpful. <3