Dear Anita,
It seems like few things never change. I am a 90’s kid but our experiences are so alike. Though i walked the same path it still feel horrible to read yours. I know you still bear the scars; but bravo for fighting it… I am checking for options to move out while i recover. Hope to meet you here soon again. I wish you nothing but peace !

Dear Anita
Thank you very much for your your informative post. Most of your experiences are mine and i appreciate you a lot the way you deal with your pain and also being here offering a helping hand. I should tell you that my mother was comparatively better than my father. All the frustration she had on me was only her way of expressing her own fear to someone less defensive. But my father is someone you can call as a pure devil. He made sure that i suffer, sometimes acting through mom or else directly. My relationship with mother has improved after i grew up but with father it went down the toilet. He spit venom on me and loath me to eternity from the time i can remember. He always leave a trail of havoc in my way whenever i try to escape from him. The fact that he is abusing me even now (He beat me to near death last week after i questioned him for calling me a foul word and i had to call police) because he know that i have nowhere to go. My question to you, Did changing the environment worked for you? Like moving away from the people who cause you trouble. I know healing is not easy and it takes a long time. But am desperate to make some changes. I have so much anger in me… I’m sorry but i feel to tear father into pieces. I am unable to control my mind/thoughts and it is like every cell in my body is on fire.

Hi Anita nice to see you again. As you correctly guessed my anxiety stems from incidents that happened in my childhood that left scar.

As my anxiety and panic attacks started troubling my daily life i decided to figure out why and how this happened to me. I tried to remember incidents from my childhood in which i have been particularly scared or confused. Then the following incidents came to my mind. I was 5, went for a shopping with my mother. My mother was very strict, no nonsense woman and i used to obey her. That day while she was shopping and i was standing next to her gazing at the road outside (may be looking at cars). suddenly i felt something fell on my neck. Mom was hitting me with something from behind. I was only spared because another woman standing next to her noticed it. Then one night she was upset with father and came to my bed room, used a cane on me while i was in deep sleep. I used to get abused unexpectedly and unreasonably. Another incident in which i got a barely visible cut while playing in the school. Back at home i was severely punished for being careless… The irony was my cut was nothing compared to her punishment. This is what i was trying to say. As i grew up (may be an 8 year old) my neighbors started noticing these harsh punishments so my mom almost stopped hurting me during the day time. Then you know i started getting nervous and trembling during dusk as i know she will find something to beat me, throw things at me, break the plates, yell at the top of her voice. So i used to pray to God for dawn to approach early. Another time, my neighbor who was fond of me pursued my mother to send me for dance lessons (she accidentally saw me imitating a dancer on the television). But my mother taunted me until i tell my neighbor that i hate dance an don’t want to go. In many ways i felt unloved and unattended for. The worst part was i never told anyone these things but kept recollecting incidents that hurt me more.

Dear Anita and freesoul,
Both of you had valuable points here. I agree sometimes i feel self pity and blame myself for failures and revisit my past. But am learning to be more empathetic and compassionate to myself and to others too. You didn’t offend me at all with your thoughts free soul. As anita said am the one who go through the terror so i should know what you accept. Thank you both for all guidance and wisdom.

@gogetem I am really sorry to hear that you went through the same too. Yes, what negative people do reflects their mentality not ours. Like you even i try to move forward but you see sometimes i go back to zero again because its not so easy to keep resisting the negative thoughts. Keep up your good job.

Thank you all for taking time to go through the post as i find it easy to vent here than catching up with a friend. It is because only those gone through the same trauma understand it better.