Thanks you Prash!

I’ve had a eye opening evening, watching videos (yay YouTube!) about narcissistic and manipulative personalities.  And while I think he’s only  a mild one (narcissist and manipulative), most of the boxes are getting checked nevertheless.  I never gave him enough credit, for sure.  I couldn’t imagine him being such a person.  But the signs are  there.

I’m paraphrasing a bit the video I just watched about manipulative people (she’s talking about people falling “victims” to manipulative people as being usually more intelligent):

It is a paradox, people who think too much (that would definitely be me).  When you think too much, you ask yourself too many questions.  Doubt is indivisible from intelligence: not being able to conceive free malice.  Intelligent people are getting manipulated by their own intelligence, they question themselves, try to understand the other person.  But they are trying understand with criterion that are beyond the situation and beyond that other person, because they can’t fathom the stupideness of this malice can even exists.

No amount of talking, explaining my feelings.  Why I’m upset he did this or that, said this or that. None will ever make a difference.

I can’t explain the exhilaration I’m experiencing right now.  It is not me.  It was never me.

I had the “let’s not carpool and stop seeing each other outside of work” talk this morning.  He seemed a little taken aback, but also agreed to it without any fight.  Only practical downside right now is that we can only get parking passes starting the 1st or 16th or the month. And, yes, today is the 17th. Good timing!

I tried to make it super clear that it wasn’t about “the girls”.  Even though they are not making a positive contribution to  my mood and our overall relationship.  This is about him simply not being a good friend.  Our relation is completely one-sided: I’m the caretaker.  I’m hoping all of this sinks with him.  But if not, I don’t have regrets.

I naively thought I would instantly feel so much lighter, freer after this.  I guess I need to give it a little time. 🙂

anita, we had a long, long conversation last evening where I expressed everything that was on my mind.  Everything he’d done, and my feelings about this new girl (she’s a little psycho – already talking about marriage, and possibly eloping since her mother might not be OK with this union. It’s been 10 days, you crazy girl).  What non-sense is this?

He said “not wanting to let me go as a friend”.  I have to admit I thought this was nice at first.  After a good night sleep, however, I see it as him wanting me around so I can witness this evolving relationship, and keep hearing about how much chemistry they have.  I’m not going to let that happen.

I’ve also had a long conversation with my best friend about it this morning (he was away on vacation this whole week with no cell coverage – which was torture for me!! but he had fun 🙂 ).  He’s a very rational, observant person, who always seems to be able to put things in perspective (almost as you do, anita).  We both agree this never-ending cycle of hurting me and coming back to apologies is toxic.

I have decided to cut contact with him outside of work.  This is going to be a little difficult as we both play in a team league together and have a friends wedding to attend next month (wedding he’s already planning on bringing new girl too. So that should be fun).

I took the day off today (this has been emotionally taxing on me and need a rest day) and plan on going to the beach.  I’m hoping to get somewhat rejuvenated by this.

Thank you for following up!!

Dear anita, I’ve been thinking about you this evening.  What I’m about to say has nothing to do with the topic of this post.

I’ve seen you reply to almost every post on this forum, 100’s if not 1000’s of them.  Your comments are always spot on, insightful, and researched (you will go back the a person’s older posts, re-quote them and really get in the meat of things).  You are a true gem for this community and a unique human being (I mean that in the best and nicest possible way).  So thank you. Just thank you, anita.

anita, ok, that hurt a little.  “He doesn’t love you“.  I’m partly joking.  This is the type of things I need to hear/read.  I don’t want him to love me anyway.  Just respectful, decent and polite.

I think I was a little ambitious and had high expectations about the “serene acceptance”.  Although it truly felt like that at the time I wrote it, the rest of my day has been anything but.  My mood has been slowly getting worse throughout the day.

He knows I’ve been mad for the past couple of days and during the afternoon, he would pop up at my desk to say very random (non-work related) things.  I’ve been staying away and keeping my answers to one or two-word sentences: “yes” “what?” “ok”.  When what I really wanted to say was “Leave me alone!  Stop trying to make nice”

We left work, had a smoke, he was going on his date with new girl (thanks for letting me figure out a ride home!) and wanted me to give him a hug. What the… ?

Silver lining? I won’t be seeing him for 2 days, which I think will do me some good.

anita, what to say? Thank you, as always, for you thorough, though-out response.  No details escapes your gaze 🙂

Well, he is amazingly consistent, one week. Although he is lagging behind with her, not living with her yet, and it is already a week!

That brought a small smile to my face, I needed it. Thanks!

He’s probably not living with her because she’s in a different state.  Otherwise, who knows.  They might have already been engaged by now. (yes, a little sarcasm. It helps)

… the clueless way he operates is working well for him.

I honestly never thought of it that way.  So he plays dumb.  (Knowingly) Screws up now, and apologies later.  Actually, that sort of is his pattern, so it fits.

I’ve never, purposely, ended a friendship.  This gives me a very odd feeling.  This realization makes me neither sad, nor mad, but a serene acceptance that I need to do this for me.  This is what I have to do to start having peace of mind and calm in my life.

Prash, I honestly don’t think of him as sadistic.  I think he’s just absolutely clueless (I’ve told him that many times) and I wonder whether he understands basic human emotions at time, though.  He sometimes thinks he can do no wrong (maybe slightly narcissistic).

Respect… Such an important notion, though, and I don’t think I’m getting any.  His focus and his mind are clearly on this girl right now. I don’t know what hold she’s managed to create on him so fast, especially since they’ve only talked on the phone, and for a whole week.  But I’m clearly not a concern.  I think I need to admit there’s probably a bit of jealousy.  I’m a little disappointed in myself for that.

Staying away and cutting personal contact is probably the wisest path to take.