Hi Lorissa,

I know how you feel, you must feel devastated, sad, betrayed. At the same time guilty and feeling shame for yourself, thinking how the hell did I ended up like this? When I have always been careful trying my best not to get hurt.

I know because I am in a similar situation. I am in a long-term relationship almost 2 years, with a man who treat me nicely, he is good to me but I don’t know why I can’t love him why I can’t feel fully happy with him.
I definitely don’t love him, otherwise I wouldn’t be obsess with this other man who I met through work. This other man is super handsome, charming, really nice. I felt a strong connection with him or least that’s what I thought we had.
Like you I was ready to leave my current boyfriend for him when we were having an “affair”. (Different from your story, he is single).

However, like your story, he eventually started to pull away (the reason why he started the affair with me is because he is not looking for a serious relationship so for him my situation was perfect, we also set some rules. Then I found out he was having another “affair” with a married woman in the same office I work). Obviously that destroyed me. It was so hard to accept that and it still is.
Thankfully, they both quit and start working for the same company in other place. Lucky me, I just felt like he used me maybe because he wasn’t getting what he needed from this other girl. They are both managers I am only part of the staff it was the darkest period of my life.

It was really awful, I still can’t let it go… it even cost me a promotion. We are currently assessed and during three months my performance went to the floor. Now I am doing much better with the possibilities to get promoted next year.

So yes, your head knows what to do but your heart doesn’t let you and is freaking hard.
But you just have to let it go… I know is hard, is probably what you don’t want to hear but is what you need to do if you want to give yourself the chance to find someone that you could potentially really feel love for him and feel loved.

I am saying this because trying to understand my situation I came to read different psychology articles about why people cheats, why you don’t feel satisfy in your relationship when the man you are with is okay, etc.

Please find the links above, it has really helped me to understand me, love me, and give me strengths to move on. As Anita mentioned above, I think we both need therapy in order to understand why we obsessed about these man. I think your case is more difficult because this man told you so many times how much he loved you but at the end it seems like he pulled away. Therefore, they didn’t really showed love for us. But I truly believe we deserved this love!

I am going to try to give you “logical explanations” or explanations that will make you feel better to understand why you feel this strong attachment and love for him:
Please read this full article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-stories-we-tell-ourselves/201512/is-why-people-really-have-affairs
1) When affairs begin, a person typically doesn’t fall in love with the other person, at least not initially. They’re actually “falling in love” with the fantasy (in their very own mind) about the other person. In other words, they’re falling for the image of the other person they’ve created in their own mind. The affair partner is simply a construct, a made-up image—someone, they imagine, who will meet their every need.

2) Affairs, at their core, are about longing and a deep need for external validation. Who doesn’t like someone telling them they look or smell good, or confirming that another person is attracted to them? Who doesn’t like to feel that someone values them? Again, many individuals that have an affair are not “falling in love” with the other person; they are “falling in love” with this new, wonderful image of themselves—an image that’s receiving praise and external validation.

3) Lastly, many people, in their initial encounters with an affair partner, become intoxicated by the feeling they get with each new encounter. When that new romance starts giving them positive external feedback, an individual can get hooked—not on the person, but on the feeling (or on the chemicals their brain releases) when they’re with that person. (Three main chemicals are released during this initial stage of affair—dopamine, which is also activated by cocaine and nicotine; norepinephrine, otherwise known as adrenaline; and serotonin, one of love’s most important chemicals.)

Also, I want to share this last article that could also be the reason why you are between this two relationships (dissatisfaction with your current boyfriend + married man):so each of us have different attachment styles. Attachment refers to the unique bond that is formed in infancy with a primary caregiver and has been expanded to also include and reflect how we attach romantically as adults. Our attachment style is influenced by our thoughts of self and our thoughts of others. So my conclusion is that you may have an fearful-anxious/avoidance attachment style. Please read the full article to understand more about what I am trying to say: http://the-love-compass.com/2013/09/17/the-fearful-avoidant-attachment-style/. When I read this I feel relief, I felt compassion for myself to understand that is not all my fault and that there is hope for me to change.

Other article that gives me strengths when I am feeling like you are right now is this one: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/letting-go-of-attachment-from-a-to-zen/

I hope this helps, I strongly encourage you to let those feelings out. Feel them! don’t feel bad or ashamed of them, that would only will make you to feel worse. It was a good idea to write on this blog, I am very glad you did and I hope I can help you to feel a little better with what I have shared with you.

If you need to vent more, write it in a “diary”, in a word document or continue writing here. Just let everything out. In this way understanding why we do things is part of accepting and learning how we are and it is part of loving ourselves.

After that, I strongly suggest to look for a psychologist or counselor as Anita said since yes, you need a good guidance in order to learn how to create and growth strong healthy relationships where you could feel fulfill and full of joy. At least that’s what I am going to do. I am tired of feeling empty and always putting me through unhealthy or empty relationships.
We deserve to love and to be loved, we all have our past which may be affecting our relationships in the present but that doesn’t mean that we cannot do anything to change it. So heads up! we can do it! There is hope.

Love,

Laura

• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Laura.
• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Laura.