Well, my hate for myself has shifted to other people, it would appear. I tend to do this..jump back and forth from the victim mentality to the self-hatred. It’s either all my fault or all someone else’s. The good news is my body image has been much improved this week to where I feel like I’ve even taken time to cherish certain parts of my body that I before thought were repulsive…so I guess that’s progress. However, after spending nearly 2 hours straight sitting in the waiting room for my doctor to see me for a quick appointment that should have taken no more than half an hour (including wait time), I just want to scream.

Other good news though, is that two months ago this would have shoved me into deep depression that resulted in me spending every non-working hour in bed. Instead I cannot wait for this work day to be over so I can go home and go for a run.

I can see the improvement, I can…and I know there will be stressful and trying days no matter how much mindfulness I have or how forgiving I am or whatever…

Anyways, thanks so much again lily and I will try to keep you posted.

Lily,
Thank you so much for your kindness in taking the time to reply to me. I really do appreciate it. I actually have been in therapy for about a year now, and sometimes it feels like I’m really progressing and sometimes I feel like I’m back at stage one. It’s frustrating on the bad days that I can’t see the progress I’ve made. But I will keep trying.

You’re right, I wouldn’t talk to a friend the way I talk to myself…but I don’t think I see myself as a friend, more of as a complete enemy who has betrayed me by not being what I want it to be. Does that make sense? I feel like I have self-love until my body betrays me or my mind betrays me in some way, and then I’m instantly on the defensive, just as I would be with an untrustworthy person in my life. Sometimes it feels like me and my body are on opposing sides and I can’t seem to reconcile those feelings.

Just writing stuff out does help. Thanks again and I will try to start making a list of things I appreciate about myself. The thing is, I can think of a lot of things I love and appreciate about myself, but they just don’t seem that important stacked up against my list of “failures” and things I don’t like. Like my height, for example….I’m 5’10” and surrounded by my petite and feminine friends, I feel like a giant unattractive mess.

I keep telling myself that I can’t compare my “behind the scenes” to others’ live performances…I think I read that here at some point! Just hard to remind myself of that when I’m so bogged down in anger at myself.

Okay, done rambling!