Hello all, thank you for your replies. I had some issues at work and it stressed me out, so I didn’t have the energy left to go to the library to reply, sorry for the late reply. The one time I managed to get to the library and write a long post, it was deleted when I klicked the wrong button – I was tired and went home. To explain myself: I only post from the library in this forum, it’s the most annonymous way I know. I shared things here that I haven’t shared with anyone else, that I could only share because I feel safe knowing that I did everything to make sure that the chance of this being connected my real life self is minimal.

Mark, thank you for your reply. I live with my mother, its the cheapest option in my city and also it gives me a feeling of safety. I lived alone as a student and that is associated with depression for me. I would like to try living alone again in the future, but not right now. I am an introvert, I can be shy but I can also be the one indignatly hollering after a bicycle rider who drove straigth through a crowd of pedestrians – doesn’t sound very shy, does it? So it’s on and off.

I had friends in the past, but it was difficult for me to really connect. Part of it was me not having the right social skills and being anxious, and I believe in high school part was also that my iron deficit was so high it was difficult to function. I was constantly tired without knowing why. In university I had good friends, but lost two because of depression. Still there were movie nights, visits to the cinema, board game nights, I was pretty lucky that I had one special friend and another one invited me to his get togethers. Also, even though it was frightening, I went out to experience things like joining a student association and choir.

> Can you pinpoint what is keeping you from creating friendships?
I think its because of different reasons. One is certainly still a lack of skills on friendmaking. I once passed a playground, and one child shouted to another: “wanna be friends?” and that was that, they were friends. Amazing. I could not do that, the fear of beeing rejected is strong. Which reminds me I did just that in elementary school, wrote a note to a girl “wanna be friends” and got a “no you are fat” in reply, though it probably wasn’t from her, but from some guys.

Then there is the fact I don’t use social media, not even Whatsapp. But I believe staying in touch with people might be easier if I did, its just that I don’t want this kind of surveilance software on my phone, nor give all my phone contacts to Whatsapp. Yes, I might be a bit paranoid. I am thinking about getting a separate phone for this kind of stuff though.

I have aquaintances at my choir, one in particular that I go to the movies with. But I am not sure that she really likes me, maybe I am more of a charity case for here.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Lara.

Dear anita (and everyone),

I just wanted to let you know that right now things are good. Not perfect but with the hyaloron injections knee No.1 got to a level where normal walking is not a problem. I agree that jogging probably is out of the question. Your post and also the one before helped me beeing more aware of what I do, especially when you wrote “We need to be as mindful as possible”. At one time I wanted to take a train, but couldn’t reach the plattform because the elevator was broken and I had my bycicle with me. I faced three flights of stairs, the train was supposed to arrive in five minutes but could I do this with my knees? Normally I would have tried anyway, but then I thought of your post and thought: no screw this, I am taking a different train on a plattform where the elevator works, even though it takes longer. Good decision for my knees I think.

With both MRTs the ligaments or tendons were okay. My doctor even said about the second MRT that they couldn’t find any problem at all, which was a problem at the time, since knee No.2 was hurting a lot despite of that. But he precribed a bandage and a day later suddenly something clicked, and the knee was set right. I think the bandage is to thank for that. The knee is still in some ways more strained than knee No1, but way way better than before.

So all I wanted to say is for now things are looking up.  The post got a bit longer than I planned, but really just wanted to give the feedback that things are good right now and thats is also thanks to your posts before. Hope you are doing well!

Dear anita,

thank you for your reply. I don’t think this time it’s anxiety so much (though surely anxiety is allways involved) but rather hopelessness. Six months ago my knees were fine, and then it was steadily downhill with a few ups and downs. I went from someone who considered starting jogging again to someone who won’t go to a concert because the way might be too much for my knees. Maybe I just need more time to adjust to that.But to be fair, today I got my second injection and at least one knee feels much better right now. So maybe things are about to improve.

How about telling your father: don’t joke with me anymore, don’t try to be funny, say what you mean in a direct, straightforward way. Do you think he may, just maybe accommodate you, and not just for a day, but all the time?

I am not sure about this. For one joking is ingrained in him, its his way to connect with people. I do the same thing. So its difficult to draw a line “that joke is okay, that one isn’t”. Saying “no joke is okay” might make things real awkward.

Dear L,

you post helped me a lot! The last time I went to the doctor (different doctor this time) I wrote down notes on a piece of paper and took that with me to not forget anything. I didn’t need to look at it when I was there but I had my thoughts all alligned to ask all the important questions.