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Laney A.

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  • July 27, 2013 at 8:59 am #39285
    Laney A.
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    Brad, this is the bottom line for me – your basic, fundamental needs within a relationship are not being met. My opinion, is that it’s time to move on. As Christina said, being alone is very hard, and this is true. But if you look at it, you already are, and it seems you are thriving. You moved away from your home state – I would cut the last tie.

    Also, I can’t not mention this. I’m sorry your mother passed away, and, as I continued to read your post, it struck me as very odd that your ex-girlfriend decides to try to get back together at that very emotional and vulnerable moment in your life. She could have given you love and support without the added emotional weight of getting back together with you. I find this act extremely manipulative on her part. I obviously don’t know what her motives and intentions were, but to me, it’s a red flag.

    Take care…. I hope all works out for you.

    July 27, 2013 at 8:48 am #39283
    Laney A.
    Participant

    Andre, you said you both said angry and hurtful words. Did you truly mean everything you said while you were angry?

    Anger, to me, is like alcohol. When we’ve had too much to drink we all say things that, in the morning, aren’t so true. Anger blurs our senses, our values and beliefs. Anger can be a good tool. It can alert you to something that isn’t right. But when indulged in too much or not restrained with logic, its purpose is to wound. Unfortunately, some of those wounds don’t heal well.

    July 27, 2013 at 8:42 am #39281
    Laney A.
    Participant

    Time is a healer of all things. While time is passing, use distraction. Throw yourself into your life. Don’t isolate yourself, don’t spend time re-living and going over things in your head. Get out. Volunteer. Go to the gym. Be with your friends and family. Journal. Read. Work. Anything to keep one foot in front of the next.

    And also… at the end of the day, allow yourself to feel the grief, because that’s what it is. This is a loss in your life and you need to go through the grieving process just like with any loss. Take care of yourself… if you love tea, buy some nice tea and a tea cup and enjoy it. If you love movies, watch your favorite ones. If you love nature, take yourself out in it. Be your own best friend, your own lover.

    And question: what is stopping your from moving closer to him? Is your love and his love greater than the obstacles of moving? If so, then you’re right… the letting go must begin. You are smart to cancel a visit. Anything that delays the grieving and healing process is no different than picking off a scab and then complaining that you’re wound isn’t healing. It will only leave a bigger scar.

    Take care.

    • This reply was modified 11 years, 4 months ago by Laney A..
    July 27, 2013 at 8:34 am #39280
    Laney A.
    Participant

    Thank you all for your extremely helpful and kind words.

    Christina – I didn’t think about that… you’re right.. I could be transferring what I’m really afraid of onto him as a way to deal. I’ll think about that some more.

    Helen – We actually did try couples counseling. We went for 3 sessions, I believe. My husband ended up leaving a message on the counselor’s phone a couple hours before our appointment to tell him we wouldn’t be going back. I honestly think the counselor was scared of him. But, either way, you’re right. It’s passed counseling because while we were in it I was thinking, “I hope this doesn’t work.” (Awful thoughts, I know.)

    that girl next door – You’re right. I know you’re right. While I was in nursing school I spoke with a teacher I knew I could trust. And she always believed I was in an abusive relationship. Fortunately I’m in a much better place now – I’ve graduated, passed my boards, and am bringing in my own full time income. I just scheduled an appointment to view a nice two-room efficiency apartment on Monday. Wow… after I got off the phone I had this surge of child-like excitement. I almost jumped up and down.

    I have left an abusive relationship before when I was a mere 18. I suppose it’s time to get away now and then take a step back and understand why I continue to let this happen… and to believe it’s “normal.”

    Thanks again everyone.

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