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LaiaParticipantI can empathise with you redy and thank you Anita I value your advice. I will try and talk to my partner when he comes back. The thing that I find hard is of he can’t or won’t try to adapt his behaviour. I’m no saint either but I feel I’m more willing to change. No matter what way I present this I fear he will go into oh I’m always the bad guy and I’ll have another mood on my hands.. what do I do if he’s not willing.. I read other threads that if I change my reaction lhe learns to change his. But I doubt he will. He regularly does this and it’s a life long pattern. I feel he has a lot of unprocessed anger which is always bubblin under the surface. But he doesn’t really want to deal with it. ..
I am struggling with depression at the minute and I don’t think he’s handling it very well either…
I feel my parents are turning against him and I’m tired of feeling hyper vigilant and trying to cover up for his mood swings
LaiaParticipantYou’re right Anita. I know he’s finding it difficult to. And I am sympathetic to his feelings. It’s just every few weeks he goes like this. Gets very angry and takes it out on me. It’s really starting to affect me. Often it’s not me he’s angry at but I’m the one he punishes. I don’t want that type of energy at home. I don’t want our daughter to see it. Or to feel like I do. My partner doesn’t seem to be able to handle strong emotions and I want to support him.. at the minute he has left and has gone back home. He’s hardly talking to me. Not answering my calls or messages. He’s even fought with his family since being there. I don’t want to accept this anymore. I would love to be able to talk about things in a less aggressive way and not to feel like this. He said some really hurtful things but like always I have to start talks. I can do it. I know it’s really meant to hurt me. But I have to care for myself to. And I don’t want to set this example to my daughter.. this is how my parents are and it feels too familiar. I will talk to him. But how can I respond to reduce this situation from happening so often..
LaiaParticipantThank you both for your kind words. I´m sitting here crying reading them. love to you both. xxx
LaiaParticipantHello Bubbles
I have thought about this question alot myself… i have been in two long term unhappy relationships and i have to say that most of my friends and families are in relationships that are either ‘hard work’ or unhappy…
i myself have learned from the women in my life that love is hard.. it is work.. Full of sacrafice, putting up with bad behvaiour.. In fact its almost a sign of how deep your love is, by how unhappy and how much shit you put up with… Then theres divorce,,, kids and all sorts then thrown in to the commitment..
Personally i don’t know how much i buy into all that.. And the more disillusioned i am with it.. The more i want to be on my own… i would rather be alone than in a relationship that is a best hard work.. exhausting and draining and at worst abusive, restrictive or that zaps the happiness or spark from myself..
i believe that the relationship i choose to be in is one where we support and respect each other. but most inportabtly we can talk about experiences as they happen.. We don’t turn on the other or make life more difficult for the other.. And most imporatntly we stop trying to change and mould the other person.. And this i believe is the most important aspect to a long term happy relationship… If both parties are comitted to maintaining a happy relationship they will be able to talk in a non confrontational and blaming way… They will be a able to take responsibility for actions and reactions.. They will love and accept each other as they are and where they are in life not trying to make them more or push them into being a desired way..
And they will truly love the other which means they will work with each other making things in life less hard… Being as honest as they can about themselves and owning their emotions and reactions..
Thats what i think…
LaiaParticipantjohn… I just want to say your message really spoke to me… I am trying to move away from insecure needy love into loving with peace and non attachment… Its a struggle as the mind is a scared a child who feels there is not enough love… that I am not enough… This is a lesson I have been working on for a while.. trying to just sit with inaction and allow my thoughts to come… and then trying to let go and realise like u say they are not the reality…. I see so much needy scared love all around me… I am infected with it too.. But the more I let go… the more I trust in love and myself the calmer I feel and the more love I feel from others… I also really understand what you are saying about loving yourself and treating your self like that scared child…
Its very powerful to truly love yourself… not through vanity or arrogance but with acceptance and patience.. To truly believe it is a further matter, but to really say its ok,, no matter what happens you have me… I will never leave you… I will always love u… I will protect you and forever be your true friend….It somehow also removes the fear from loving outside yourself… For you always have your own support…
This is something I have been working on for a few years… And dearest E…. A funny considence… I refer myself as E and my ex partner was also E on my mobile… Weird…. Anyway E… You are enough… Listen to frantic mind allow it to vent allow it to scream… but try and be aware this is not the reality it is your mind projected reality… you have control over how you perceive and react… Be kind to yourself… love yourself…. soothe yourself…
I have been in a very similar mind state as you… It nearly destroyed me… And on the other hand… saved me and showed me such amazing lessons…. At this stage you probably don’t see that but keep doing what your doing.. talking.. reading the posts on this site… you will get through to the other side
Namaste.
LaiaParticipantI had to reply to your message… I have been in a similar relationship for two years..I was obsessed with this man… I have never felt such a connection..i honestly thought he was my soul mate.. however he sounds very similar to your partner… he lied to me.. and he was unavailable on so many levels.. my friends and family all were against me being with him.. He didn’t treat me with respect and we broke up a number of times… I would never get in contact and after a few weeks or months I would get a phone call and lots of sweet words exactly what I wanted to hear.. then the whole pull started again.. only for me to be pushed away, ignored and lied to again…
I broke up with him this week… I have blocked him from calling me… And you know what it was easier than I thought it would be… I am upset…But my heart has been shredded by this guy.. every time it hurt a little less because I loved and trusted him a little less.. I realised it was the constant rejection that had the power over me.. and that he had total power over me..I know it will be difficult over the next few months. .But I was suffering so much with him.. That’s not love..
What I am trying to say is my beautiful lady… you are stronger than you think…. and you deserve a man who loves you… who treats you with respect.. who makes you feel safe and who makes you smile when you wake up…
This web site has so many wonderful people who will support and listen to you…
I listen to guided meditations on youtube and am trying to control my thoughts by repeating affirmations to myself especially when my mind focuses on him to much.. I wrote an action plan of how to break up…and what exactly I had to do..
the 21 day idea by Danubelle is great to… Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.. You sound like a really wonderful person and for whatever reason this guy has a hold on you… It is not love if you are suffering…
I wish you well my friend….
And between you and me I felt good to finally say no more… I am hurting of course… In fact I cried reading your post…. But I feel a strength in me and I am proud of myself for loving myself enough to free myself of this toxic relationship..
LaiaParticipantI ended it by text… And have blocked him from contacting me… I am not proud of how I handled it but I feel like I had to protect myself.. He is hurting me over and over again.. I have told him how his behaviour is hurting me but nothing changes.. I feel numb… I don’t want to let go… But I don’t see any other option…I know this will be painful but I can not love someone who continually rejects me…I am sad for us both… part of me realises this is the right thing to do and another part is secretly wishing he will fight for me… we all deserve to be feel loved and I recognise his rejections make me want his love and approval even more… This is all ego.. I can’t pretend any more… I also feel slightly relieved to not have carry around all this jealousy and pain… And I am truly thankful for this website to you John and Vanessa… I don’t feel so alone when I can come here and share my feelings…
x
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