Hi Anita,

I have taken the last few days to really sit down with myself and process my feelings. To answer your question, my mother is extremely emotionally unavailable to others when certain emotions are activated in her. She has experienced significant trauma in her childhood, relationships afterward, and rather than deal with these traumas, she has built a wall around them in her mind and refuses to enter or discuss them. Therefore, whenever I “triggered” any of these emotions in her, or experienced these emotions myself, she simply was not able to help or console me through them, but she has never been able to do so for herself. I accept this about her now in adulthood, as there is no other choice. She will not ever change, and even if she did, it would not erase what was done to me in childhood. So, to fully answer your question, she would simply shut down. She would leave, or she would dismiss or ignore me. I suppose in many ways, I felt abandoned. Not unlike how I feel presently, with the ex of 2 years ago. In thinking about all of this, I believe I have figured out now why the pervasive thoughts of him continue, but I do not know how to stop them.

I believe these pervasive thoughts persist for a couple of reasons:

1.) Seperate from any past negative core beliefs about my childhood or myself, I simply got along very well with this person. Our personalities were quite similar, we enjoyed the same things, had the same sense of humour. He was communicative, enjoyed connecting this way. I believe we also respected one another on a personal level. I have not found someone that I connected to on this personal level since. I looked up to him, and he looked out for me. I was attracted to him physically, emotionally, and personality-wise. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss this person deeply despite everything that has happened since.

2.) I truly believe that my core wounds (the ones you have helped me identify through this and previous threads) were the main cause of the demise of this relationship. Even though he was fresh out of a divorce, in reading our past messages and reflecting on the toxicity of the relationship, 90% I would say of these disagreements were started by me, driven by my insecurities from childhood. For instance, I would often question his motives, be distrustful even though he had never at the time given me a reason not to trust him, and worst of all, I was afraid to let someone in and become attached to them for fear they might leave me. Even though I desperately wanted to be able to. My subconscious simply couldn’t allow me to believe that someone could truly love me, stay with me, want me. So I constnatly was looking for evidence to support this idea.

3.) My narrative of what happened in this relationship and what lead to the ultimate demise was for a very long time framed in a victim mentality. Specifically, “how could he betray, leave me, and replace me with someone (lesser than me) else like this, after I had stuck by him through so much (his divorce, inability to commit to me) and never gave up on him? How could he do this to me?” Rather than what I believe the true reality or narrative of the story was, which is that throughout our 1 year and 2-month “relationship”, he was often alluding to not being ready to commit to anyone so soon after his separation and divorce, I took this personally. I made it about me, and I made it about winning him, someone unavailable, like my mother. I was very pushy, I often used guilt to push him closer to me, I did not respect his boundaries. To be honest, I don’t think I used empathy for him at all, it is almost as though I didn’t see him as a separate individual with his own feelings and flaws, I only saw him as a goal, a means to an end. The “end” being the end to my suffering that started when I was a child. If I could get him to fully commit to me, my subconscious thought, then I could finally heal all the wounds from my past and I would finally be truly happy.

So, my question is this. I believe you have answered in many ways how I can begin to process and heal from my past wounds through exploration of past arguments and fractures with my mother from my childhood (which will help with points 2 and 3), but how can I move on, forgive myself and my mother (because I believe this is important in letting go, taking my power back) for causing myself to lose someone so special to me, someone I finally truly connected with on a personal level, someone that I do believe to this day would have made a good partner for me (point 1)?

I have been on countless first dates, been in 8 or so relationships in my life, and yet I have never connected with and been attracted to a person as much as the ex I started this thread about. I think most of the other relationships occurred because of this business about projecting my core wounds onto them and trying to “win” them like I have always tried in the past to “win” the affection of my mother, but this one was different. It was that also, but it was also the first time I truly loved the person as well, separate from any past traumas. I loved him, his personality, his outlook on life, his optimism and easy going nature, his lifestyle. He has since committed to the woman he dated during/immediately after me. Although I believe she is physically less attractive than me, she is also less “damaged” than me, did not push him as I did. I believe that had I worked through my past traumas before I met him, we would not be where we are now. Totally NC, and with me never being able to tell him my truth, explain what went wrong in our relationship and that my self sabotaging behaviour wasn’t me, who I am, but rather issues from the past I did not deal with.

I feel like no matter what, I will always be asking myself: what if? What if I had worked through my past issues with my mother, what if I had been present in that relationship and not projected my hurt onto it? Maybe the relationship would not have survived anyway, as he was so soon out of his first marriage, but unfortunately, I will never know because of how I behaved. I am sad that after so much time has passed, I am still reeling over this relationship, break up, and the aftermath that followed. He was my best friend, my confidant, my advisor in a lot of ways, and I am saddened that all of that was lost. Not to mention how he sees me now, a bother, a “psycho ex”.

My current partner, who I am much better able to work through my issues with, at the end of the day, lacks point 1. We do not have chemistry, our time together is often butting heads in some way. We are not so similar personality-wise, he is not calm and optimistic like my ex was, in fact, they have totally opposing demeanours. Where my ex was easy going, fun and independent, my current partner is rigid, serious, and a somewhat dependent on his parents, unable to fully grow up in a lot of ways. But also, where my ex was reckless, using drugs and alcohol, and poor at financial management, my current partner is responsible, doesn’t use drugs or alcohol, and very good at financial management and planning. I would say in most objective measures, my current partner is a better partner, more suitable for a longterm relationship. However, I cannot fake that I enjoy time with him nearly as much as I did with my ex. We simply do not “vibe” as well, and as he has noted during the periods of time he has wanted to break up, we do not seem to “get each other” very well. That being said, there is an underlying love, and fondness for each other that doesn’t seem to fade. We have accumulated many memories together, travelled together, spent time with each other’s families. I would also hate to lose this person.

So, as I approach 30, I am totally lost. Do I abandon all hope in this current relationship, cross the ocean and move to my partner 5,000 miles away to see if we can overcome our obstacles, or do I break it off, take some time for myself, and start again with someone new (hopefully with a similar connection as my ex) after 30? Both options seem equally flawed and equally frightening to me, all while feeling like I am already out of time. What would you do if you were me?

Hi Anita,

My father told me that he likes my current partner as a person very much, even believes that they are friends as he is responsible, hardworking, educated and reliable. However, he told me he didn’t think he was a good partner for me. The reason he said was that my current partner (I will refer to him this way to remove confusion between him and my ex of 2 years ago) was a very rigid person, that he would only be happy with a partner that went with his way. My current partner did say several times he needed a partner where it was his way or the highway. I actually think I could have worked with this, but the problem I faced with him is he didn’t like to communicate what “his way” was, and instead expected me to know automatically for being his partner. In other words, to intuitively know what he did and did not need from me like his mother always did he said. I told him that was maybe unrealistic of a partner, but he didn’t agree.

Well, my previous partner/ex was not good to me in the sense that he would still be talking to other women, not committing, etc., but in person, texts, and calls, he was always very nice and sweet. My current partner does not handle stress very well, and often explodes in an angry tirade but feels better afterwards. I simply was not accustomed to this, I was shocked and hurt for some time about it. He later explained that although he got angry with me, he always came back. And this was true. I think however every time he got angry, yelled, swore, said mean things, my heart broke just a little more even though he did always come back.

I suppose I am trying to assume the opinion of my father, that this relationship was simply not a match, to begin with. I suppose this is easier to cope with than believing it was solely my fault that the relationship ended. That being said, I have always felt that my current partner was resistant to open communication (such as Skype or phone call) and would instead always gravitate to text message. I found this extremely frustrating as I truly believe text is not an appropriate medium for serious discussions as it leads to so many misunderstandings and miscommunications. I believe our recent argument is a perfect example of that. I feel if I had just been able to speak to him on the phone, I could easily clarify what upset him so greatly in our last conversation, but he would not let me. Many times he has not but will only text.

I think there is a great deal I have learned from this experience, but I am truly saddened that it seems my learning cannot benefit this current relationship anymore. I miss my partner greatly, at the end of the day he was my true (and often only) friend. I feel saddened that he feels hurt by my actions in our relationship, but I am even more saddened that he would not accept any apology or making amends that I tried to offer despite never receiving an apology for his cruel words to me in the present or the past. He has said before that I “killed the nice version” of himself, and that I have no one to blame but myself for how he is toward me now. Is that really possible?

I’m very confused about all of this, and I desperately want to be able to speak to my partner over the phone to discuss this, but he seems completely unwilling. My head is spinning over how yesterday morning at 10am we were speaking lovingly over the phone, the incident with his father occurred, he hung up, and an hour late her never wants to speak again, and still doesn’t.

Hi Anita,

I don’t think I seek comfort in her company, advice or approval anymore. I think I stopped doing this when I was young. That being said, I do look to my father for those things, and unfortunately they are a packaged deal. If I call him, or try to visit him, she is always around. 

I’m having a particularly rough go yesterday and today… I was actually making progress with my partner, we were reconnecting even though it’s difficult with the distance. However, yesterday morning we had a small disagreement over the phone (he was rushed to go to an appointment, and I was keeping him on the phone too long to try to clarify a misunderstanding about something I said about his dad) and since then he won’t speak to me… he won’t answer any of my calls, and told me he never wants to talk to me again. I was not prepared for the level of anger… I never dreamed he would be so angry. When I asked him why, all he said was that we don’t communicate well, that we don’t get each other and we never would. As I tried to figure out why he was SO angry at me (I understand being frustrated, or just wanting to end the relationship, but it was the intensity of his anger that confused me) and he got very mean. He told me I was an idiot, that I disgusted him. This was an hour or two after telling me he loved me and hoping I had a good sleep. 

I’m so hurt, Anita. I cannot understand why he is SO angry with me, why he won’t talk to me at all. Usually if I “mess up” or make a mistake, I can place or understand the anger. But in this instance, I am totally lost. I wasn’t expecting it at all, and I am still shocked that this is how he feels. After everything we have gone through together, been there for one another, it hurts so badly to have a loved one say these horrible things to you. It’s been over a day now, and he has not changed. I thought maybe once he calmed down, we could talk, but it looks like that will not be the case. 

What’s worse, is I feel all the same feelings from when I was a child. But worse. I don’t think my mother ever spoke to me with such anger and disdain as he has. I’m truly broken over this. How my best friend, my partner, could treat me this way over some silly misunderstanding. Why he would rather choose to attack and destroy me than figure out what happened. I am in shock. Just yesterday he was telling me he loved me, that he was glad we were reconnecting. How could this all go so wrong so fast over 2 minute conversation? 

Hi Anita,

What specifically are you referring to when you say “there is much more to changing such a major and very powerful core belief”? Do you mean cutting my mother out of my life completely? Or do you mean more internal work to be done?

I have talked more with my partner, and I am devastated by what he shared with me. He is so angry and hurt over me constantly talking about my past with him (especially exes and what was done to me), not giving him enough space or time to do the things he wants in his life, and for saying hurtful things when I felt he was rejecting or abandoning me. He said he wants space, that he wants to be on his own for maybe a year or so. I asked him if he ever saw a future with us, if he ever wanted one or he only stayed in the relationship out of pity since he felt he was helping me so much, but he said he did. He said he wanted us to live together, to be happy together and I feel I have destroyed all of that. I am sick about this. I am physically ill, I can’t eat most of the time. I am angry. I am so angry. He said he feels robbed of what could have been between us, the time we could have had together enjoying one another, and I agree. I feel robbed too by the demons of my past. I am so upset about this. My partner was the one person that loved me unconditionally through the last few years that have truly been my most difficult emotionally, professionally, and relationally. I feel I have failed him. I am angry I did this.

I desperately want another chance, but I feel he won’t give me one. What have I done… why could I not see how wonderful he was before? Why was I so focused on being miserable… I mean I understand why, especially since you and I have been exploring my past, but I am angry with myself that I couldn’t have realized this sooner, that I didn’t fix it when I had the chance. I don’t see a way out of this horrible mess. I am so angry with myself, my mother, and my situation. It seems anything I do with my partner makes things worse. But I feel so much is unfinished, so much of what he is sharing with me is for the first time since it is the first time I am receptive to what he is saying. I want to continue the conversation, work it out with him, but he wants space and says he feels differently about me now…

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply. I have some sad news today… my current partner (long distance) told me today he didn’t want to continue our relationship, as there had been too much talk about my past, incompatibilities, and worst of all, no solidified plan to overcome the distance. That being said, I am willing to move in 6 months to a year, once I save a little from working at my business. I’m so disappointed in myself, in not being able to leave this stupid ex I wrote this post about behind sooner. I let the past taint my current relationship and for that I am so sad. I know my current partner is under a terrible amount of stress right now at work, but this is not the first time he has said he wanted to end our relationship. I think the only thing I can do now is give him time and space, but I miss him desperately already. He deserved so much better from me, I still hope I have a chance to give him that.

As an aside, I talked to my mother about this today, even though she is on vacation in Hawaii. She listened and consolled me and told me somehow everything will turn out alright, that once I work on myself I will feel better. She told me I am beautiful and successful and she wants me to be able to see me this way as well. As I started to sob, she told me I can’t do that though, I need to pick myself up, stop crying, and do what needs to be done in my life. I actually believe she might be right. I’ve spent much too much of the past year balling my eyes out.

To be honest, I can’t remember much of my childhood in specifics. I remember her and my dad being quite stressed with their business, and making ends meet. I remember feeling like I was a trouble maker to her, always needing more of her attention and getting upset with her over things and feeling hurt that she didn’t console me after an argument. As for her account, she has simply said over and over that no one in the world has loved their children more than she has, and she would always go to the end of the world for them. She has said in the past anything I remember about her not loving me or liking me is crazy, because of how much she loves me.

Hi Anita,

After doing some hard thinking, I believe that you are right that there is a common theme of me feeling like I need to conform to my mother’s ideas and opinions if I am to gain her approval and acceptance. I think this is why the past has been resurfacing so much for me lately, and why I am now totally fixed on a different regret.

I am beginning to have huge regrets about leaving the practice I was at for over a year in October to start my own (I wrote about it here https://tinybuddha.com/topic/second-thoughts-about-leaving-a-practice-to-start-my-own/). My reasons for this regret have nothing to do with the financial aspect, as I am currently making more money and believe I will continue to do so. That being said, I desperately miss having my colleagues around while I worked, and I miss the lack of commute (the old practice was in walking distance from my home). When I was faced with the decision on whether I should stay or go open my own practice, my mother was so strong for me getting my own practice as she believed financially it was the better decision and I had complained about aspects of the previous practice owner in the past.

I truly believe she thinks she is helping me by pushing her opinions of what she feels is best for me, but I think it starts to drown out my own voice and what I believe is best for me. At this point, I truly feel like I should have discussed my concerns with the previous practice owner and seen what happened. If she was unable to budge on anything, or cutting my hours which I THOUGHT she was doing, but now looking back, I think it was a misunderstanding, I think I would feel better about my decision now. I think eventually I would have left regardless, but I think maybe I am a year or so from that feeling like a comfortable decision, rather than a rushed one. Looking back, I think I was so rushed because I had found this space, and the owner of that space put the pressure on me saying there were lots of other interested tenants, and my mother was adamant that I take the space in October, when I was planning on only looking at spaces and not committing to them.

I’m worried that there isn’t a way back to this clinic without closing my own practice and looking like a total failure to my clients, friends and family, and the clinic owner. What I really wish I could do is go back in time and have a discussion with her more about all of this, but I can’t do that! My lease expires in March, as we only signed a temporary 6-month lease in October, but I’m wondering if I should discuss my concerns with the previous practice owner now and see if she’s even open to the idea of me coming back, even on a part-time basis, but I’m really not sure. I feel so sad that once again I let the opinions of others (mostly my parents) override what my gut was telling me, and I’m worried it’s too late to fix this error.

I’m sorry this thread has taken such a strange turn, but when I look at it, the title is still relevant. It seems that I’m often regretting the decisions I make (for the wrong reasons, usually to get the approval of my parents) in the past.

Hi Anita,

I’m honestly very surprised you are not a trained psychotherapist, you have helped me more than other therapists I have seen. In the last few days, I have faced my darkest feelings about this ex. For a long time, I did not want to admit that I yearned for this person, or at least who he was before all the horrible fights happened, but I see now that I do. As painful as it is to admit, I miss him. I feel like this is twofold. In one way, it is about the validation and acknowledgment I so desperately seek, and in another way, it’s solely about him.

For instance, I have never met someone before or since him that I found physically, emotionally, and intellectually attractive. He was funny, kind-hearted, upbeat and easy going. I loved his name, his family, most of his friends, and his outlook on life. I truly believe had I been working on my internal wounds, seeing a psychologist more regularly to tackle these deep-seated insecurities and negative beliefs about myself, I wouldn’t have strained the relationship to the point I did. He was open and honest with me about needing time to take the relationship slowly, and I consistently didn’t listen and forced it forward at an unhealthy pace, as I had done with most relationships since my 6-year relationship ended.

I believe there were mistakes he made that caused me pain, but unfortunately, I believe the vast majority of the issues in our relationship were caused by me. My subconscious was hurting so badly, that any time I drank too much or tried any other substance, the wounded subconscious would come to the surface and damage myself and those around me. I am so, so sad about this. I have so many regrets. I truly think this person and I could have been happy, if I had just listened to what he was asking of me, to take a healthy pace and to challenge some of my negative thoughts. I don’t know how to forgive myself now, for hurting myself as badly as I did in losing this person, and in dating the wrong people since then, for the last 2 years.

Even now, in my current relationship, I believe it is a shadow of what I could have had with my ex. Every day I think about how my current life could have been so much better with him in it, with us together. I was so happy every time we were together, it was only when we were apart that my mind would play tricks on me and make me believe he didn’t care about me and that he wanted someone else. I tested him constantly, started arguments just so that I could witness him trying to win me back, all of it a symptom of my bleeding core wounds from the past. I so desperately wish I could go back in time, work on myself, and see what would happen then. I’m so sad I’ve caused all of this, and I’m so scared that I will be forever haunted by it, and what I’ve done since.

I really hope I can move past this, see this break up in a positive light, but I feel I never will. I truly cannot see any fault with this ex that could not have been worked through in time. He was as patient as he could be, he tried his best to be with me while I didn’t love myself, while I tested him, questioned him. My current partner has low to no tolerance at all for this. In fact, today he said he didn’t want to be with me anymore because he’s sick of answering questions about who he’s talking to online all the time. I know he would never do anything innapropriate, and yet I still find myself asking. I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone as patient and understanding with this as my ex had been, and I should have been more grateful for him at the time.

Also, I deeply regret letting my parents get involved with that past relationship. They did not want me to be with him from the start, because of his past marriage, but I don’t think they should have judged him for that (my mother herself had been divorced twice before meeting my father). Even worse, I listened to their advice, started to pull away from my ex even though I so desperately wanted to be with him. I should have been stronger, I should have been brave enough to be with him even if my parents didn’t approve. He made me happy. They quite simply, don’t. I don’t know why I listened, and I have this to add to my list of regrets.