Hi Canadian Eagle (fellow Canadian here!),

You made a lot of good points. Also, thank you for your kind words towards me. I really appreciate them. I definitely have fallen victim to my nostalgic mind. I often reminisce or revisit moments that occurred now almost 3 years ago as if it were yesterday. And you’re right, I think it would be unhelpful to put this person on a pedestal now. I guess I just wish that I had been more mature, had focused on what was really important back then. Not what was flashy and exciting.

I hope you’re right that I do meet someone! Thank you again, it really helps.

L

Hi Anita,

That’s very understandable. I frustrate myself with being in this cycle. To answer your question, it definitely applies. I suppose I thought this situation was different because this person was not emotionally unavailable/a jerk lol like the last one(s). But you’re right, either way the regret is totally useless and I can’t go back and change it.

I just feel quite lost now. I feel rather discouraged to go out and try to find another “unicorn” of a guy and feel so wounded by my own poor decisions. Hopefully the feelings will pass. But I really feel this loss as a significant one rather than just a clinging need that had more to do with my childhood like I had to the others.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by laelithia.

Hi Anita,

I wanted to give you a little update. Since our last conversation, I have been going to therapy regularly (every other week or two) and have been trying to work everything that you mentioned out. I have also been taking antidepressants. It has been difficult to do this work, but I think it is my only hope of finding true happiness in the future.

Yesterday I had a session with my psychologist that really hit home. She mentioned that all my major “regrets” in the last couple of years involve my parents. I thought about this, and it’s true. With J, the original person I started this thread about, I feel subconsciously I sabotaged the relationship because my parents did not like or approve of him. Looking back, he was basically the antithesis of my parents. Where they are cold, critical and judgmental, he was warm, supportive and reassuring. He gave me emotionally what my parents never did or probably could. Also, with my recent regrets of starting my own practice, I believe this is due to the timing and how my parents demanded that I do it as quickly as possible, which I did. Rather than listening to my heart and gut that was telling me that the timing wasn’t right for me.

My psychologist mentioned that it seems like my parents feel the need to dictate all of my major life decisions to me, rather than let me sort it out on my own. I believe this to be true. She also mentioned that it seems my father soothes his general anxiety by telling me what to do and how to feel (ex. “Don’t do that… don’t be upset” etc.) which I believe is also true. At the end of the session, she said something that deeply affected me. She said in order for me to change this dynamic, to set boundaries with my parents once and I for all, I need to accept that they essentially cost me someone extremely dear to me, J. I thought about this all last night, and I really think sadly that this is true. Even that horrible night where I lashed out at him happened after my parents got involved and told me they did not want me to be with him long term.

I’m very sad today, thinking about all of this. I think about how my siblings have effectively over the years set healthy boundaries with my parents (either by moving away physically or refusing to talk about certain subjects) while I never really did. I thought about how they have all moved on with their personal lives, and I never really did. I am angry with myself too for allowing this to happen, and allowing for this cycle of enmeshment to cost me people and relationships that are irreplaceable to me. I feel like this learning took me too long, and not realizing it sooner cost me too much. As much as I hate to admit it, I miss J dearly. I think I truly loved him and in my heart of hearts, I believe if I hadn’t have gotten my parents involved with their strong opinions, we would probably still be together today. I am trying to completely reach acceptance that this will never happen, that life did not play out that way and grieve him and the relationship completely, but it is hard to grieve someone that is still living. Someone that is giving to someone else what I couldn’t fully value or appreciate at the time. He had his faults, but he tried and was present with me emotionally and physically at a time I desperately needed it. I still do. I feel unfortunately I will always miss that with him, and I wish I had had the courage those years ago to focus on that, rather than pleasing my parents.

I have decided that at the very least, I will not let my parents dictate any more of my decisions in the future. That I will keep more of my private life just that, private from them. I’m confident I will not repeat the same mistakes. But at the same time, I am devastated over what it has already cost me, and after all these years, I don’t know how to fully let J go. I miss him and his warmth, the little things of getting ready in the morning together, sharing our deepest secrets in the evenings, and holding each other all night. It breaks my heart knowing he is doing all of that now with the person he saw right after me. I have been on several dates since, even met someone that really reminds me of him both in appearance and demeanour, but in a lot of ways he also reminds me of how J excelled in what I wanted in a partner in most ways, and this new individual doesn’t quite.

I know I must move on, that nothing can change the past. But how do you do that when you can’t seem to find someone else to fill that person’s spot in your life, and each passing day you miss them maybe more than the last?

Thank you again Anita. Your help has been invaluable to me.

L

• This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by laelithia.

Hi Anita,

I am actually seeing a doctor next week to start the ball rolling with an antidepressant. I tried to get in on Friday, but they weren’t able to fit me in. I think you’re right that I have a habit of trying to fill this hole I feel. However with my current boyfriend, it felt different. He felt more like a dear friend to me, I truly believe he cared about me. I just think maybe he was lacking in some personal experience (no prior relationships, living at home when we met) that made it difficult for me to envision a life with him.

We spoke on the phone today and we both cried… he told me he is making this decision for both of us, that he thinks it’s for the best and we will both be happier. I just can’t see that now. I feel lonelier than ever, and I feel like I let him down by talking about my past all the time and burdening him with my anxieties and depression. It feels surreal that just a couple days ago, we were planning for my trip to see him next month. I wish I had just booked this instead of constantly asking him if it was the right thing to do. He said that it was these constant questions and reassurances that I needed that drained him.

Can you tell me, when you wrote “And this is what I believe to be true: the guy from Switzerland, it was not going to work out for you even if you  had no issues. This time, here in this context of this guy, really, it is not your fault. You are not losing anything”, how you know this for sure?

Thank you so much, Anita!

Hi Anita,

Thank you again for all your thoughtful contributions. They help me immensely, and I know it must not be easy to spend so much time doing so. Please know that I am so grateful!

Regarding my answer to your question number 7, I just realized I misread it. For some reason when I answered that I would break up with him, I read your question as what would happen if we argued and did not get along. Somehow I did not read bored and not attracted to him. I feel getting “bored” is somewhat of an inevitability as you mention in long term relationships. In fact, I don’t crave the intense excitement I once felt with past partners anymore. I now enjoy the comfort and safety I feel with my current partner rather than that short intense excitement. That being said, I did notice our physical chemistry was lacking, even though I found him very attractive. To this day I struggle to understand why that piece was missing, and I wonder if it was to do with the distance and inability to be emotionally or physically intimate enough to grow.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that I don’t think we would break up simply because I was somewhat bored and not physically attracted to him. I think I would try to see if we could work it out if there was some underlying cause that was leading to this. That being said, it seems it might have become a moot point. We were planning our summer vacation together, and for me to come to see him to once again and for me to take a critical look at Switzerland to see if I could make a life for myself there when we had another small disagreement. He has not been feeling well the last week, and I noticed whenever we spoke in the morning (for him), and evening (for me), he was sort of short. I asked him about this, and rather than be supportive when he told me he was not feeling well, I criticized him for “taking it out” on me and not being nicer. This lead to a fight in which he ultimately told me he doesn’t think he can do this anymore, that being my partner is exhausting, that cheering me up and saying what I want him to all the time is a full time job that he simply doesn’t have time for.

We were planning for me to come only a month from now… I feel like once again I pulled him close only to push him away. I feel I really needed this last trip, to see for myself how we are together and his country again once and for all to know for sure if I should or shouldn’t go there. Now it feels like the choice was taken from me. I feel sick to my stomach that my issues and insecurities are the primary cause of this break up, of the issues I had in this relationship. To be honest, I’m not even sure if we would have any issues at all (save for the distance) if not for the projection from my past you mention.

I know he is not perfect, but neither am I–far from it. I feel that I took for granted how hard he tried to soothe my anxieties and depression, how often he tried to cheer me up from my current issues as well as those from my past, including exes. He never should have been put in that position. He told me once that he feels robbed of what could have been between us had I not done that, and I just feel so sad when I think of this. I don’t know really if we could have made a long term relationship work or not, but I feel miserable and angry with myself that I didn’t let myself see. At this point, I’m not sure if I should bother fighting for us anymore if I should try to still come to see him (as I usually do when these disagreements happen). In the last 2 years, he truly has become my best friend and confidant, and I feel so terribly sad at the idea of us no longer being that for each other anymore. I just feel so lost.. and that no matter what I do, there is no perfect outcome. If I make this relationship work, I will be thousands of miles away from friends and family. Even if I am happy there, if I have children one day, they will likely not know my family very much. And if we decide to separate once and for all, I feel like I will always miss him…

Honestly, I think I have reached the point that if I cannot make this relationship work, I don’t think I want to try another anymore. I have no desire to replace him as I did in the past with other exes. I just miss him and the feeling of safety I had with him. Yes, the passion was sort of missing, but is that really what’s important in long term relationships? He did so many selfless things for me that past exes never would do. I just wish I had focused on that more, not allowed my anxious brain to run rampant about anything I perceived as negative or wrong or him not caring about me. I just don’t know if I can fix this now, and I feel huge amounts of guilt about it, paired with intense sadness and grief.

Hi Anita,

I will do my best!

1. No, I hae never taken any medication for mental health except for stimulants to treat ADHD. This was a disaster for me, and if anything, seemed to exasterbate my symptoms of anxiety/OCD characteristics. I have been off this medication for around a year, and I think it is this experience that terrifies me to take any SSRIs or other medication for mental health for fear of side effects and/or dependency. That being said, I do still think of it as an option, as a last resort.

2. I did attend psychotherapy consistently from 2016-2017. I thought one therapist was extremely helpful (very direct, but supportive) and the others I saw after her departure was, unfortunately, less helpful (mostly reframed what I said, not a lot of feedback) and I have not found anyone else yet.

3. His position is the same. He is quite assertive about this point, and although I do believe it is a possibility he might be open to moving some day down the road, I doubt it would be to Canada, and I think anywhere else would still be a small chance. I would enjoy living elsewhere I believe (although I don’t know since I have never left my hometown), but I am afraid of the consequences of doing so in my relationships with my family and friends. My mother has been in ill for many years (although doing much better now than she was in 2016), my aunt is terminally ill, and my extended family, in general, is ageing. I worry about leaving my home country and missing out of a lot, not to mention if I were to have children one day and for them not to have a relationship with my family.

4. Unfortunately, I do think this will be a problem. For instance, his mother still does his laundry (at her insistence!) so he brings his clothing back and forth from his new apartment (he “moved out” almost a year ago) so she can do this for him. In that sense, he is not fully independent yet and has not yet committed to his own apartment, even though it has been close to a year. I was able to convince him over many months to finally purchase a couch, a bed and a TV, but the progress is very slow for him to “adult” in some ways. I’m sure this is not my place to push anything, yet I feel frustrated at 28 years old he seems reluctant to move forward with his (and by extension, our) life. He is masters level educated, has a great management level position, yet in some ways he seems very childish in his personal life.

All that being said, his mother is an extremely kind and generous person and has always been very nice to me. It seems to me she just doesn’t want her son to grow up and leave the nest, even though he somewhat has already.

5. Yes, I believe I would be able to. I would need to find a position there in order to obtain a visa, but I could also work virtually part-time. We discussed finances, he is of the impression that I would need to make my own money but that he would be able to take care of some of the rent while I got settled. That being said, he does seem very wary about financial topics, and although he is well off and in a position to support me a little more, he seems unwilling to do so. I wonder if some of this is due to cultural differences, as I noticed Swiss people are very “fair” and seem to like things equalled.

6. I think so if the concerns I raised in the past with past relationships were not currently relevant. For instance, when he gets upset he will often threaten to break up. I believe this reopens the feelings of abandonment from past relationships, and then I begin ruminating about the past again. I have asked him to refrain from doing this, but he has very little emotional regulation skills when it comes to anger and often says mean things when upset.

7. I think if this happens we will break up. Depending on how I feel about living in Switzerland,  I will either stay, move back home, the UK, or another city in Canada. In either option, I am not too afraid of building a life (i.e., making friends, finding a job, etc.) as I feel I am not too bad at this. The one positive of this scenario I can think of is that I would have known then that I tried everything to make the relationship work, that there was nothing else I could have done. That being said, it’s possible I will regret giving up my current work situation and be even older than I am now to begin a new relationship and family (this I feel less confident in my ability to do so). I feel that it is impossible for me to know what to do because I cannot predict how I will feel in the future, which is my struggle.

I hope that helps!

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by laelithia.

Hi Anita,

I am pleased to report that since last writing in this thread, I been able to stay true to myself (both now, and as my younger self) in regards to my relationship with my parents, particularly with my mother. I think I am able to understand and validate myself a bit better, and I no longer seem to judge or criticize myself for my feelings regarding her and our relationship. We do not speak much anymore, but we both seem to be alright with that. I think being able to pull away from my parents altogether  (am I 30 now after all!) in the last few months has been beneficial for me to be able to sort out my thoughts, feelings, and long term goals.

That being said, I still feel a bit lost as to what I should do with my life moving forward. I feel faced with some very big, life-changing decisions. I still feel that my current city (and hometown) is not the best place for me and my personal growth and have always longed to live elsewhere, yet my business is doing quite well and I find it difficult to justify a move just because I “feel” like it. However, at the same time, the idea of staying here for the rest of my life scares me. On one hand, I would be happy that I was close to family and a handful of friends that I see once in a while, I can’t seem to shake this feeling that I would be happier somewhere else. My reasoning for this is that my current city is very conservative (I am more openminded), very cold weather most of the year, not much to do in any season other than maybe eat and drink, and lastly the desire to live somewhere else to see if I like it better.

I’ve always thought of moving to somewhere in Europe (which also probably plays into why I have tried so hard to maintain my current relationship), or somewhere warmer in the West of my country. That being said, I seem to have extreme cognitive dissonance with this, as I also value being close to my family. I’m not sure how I should navigate these big decisions, and I feel so torn which is an uncomfortable feeling each day. Do you have any ideas or strategies on how I can sort through this?