What if its your family? Now that I refuse to be bubbly I realize more and more how fake most of my family is. My dad hides behind the computer or TV. My mom keeps on saying how fun everything is and really emphasizes you should be good and how great everything is. I have one brother who isn’t fake but is 5 years younger than me and is a teenager so I don’t think it’s that appropriate to tell him all this stuff going on. My other brother is really into being seen as cool and power playing if threatened so not that genuine. I feel really alone. The only one I can feel like I can talk to is my bf. I’m allowed to be depressed or mad or sad or happy with him. I am loved by him despite what I feel. I feel like it’s unfair of me to put this all on him. I also have two other friends who are pretty genuine. I feel so sad with my family. I just want to say “how are you doing, no really how are you doing?” I feel depressed right now, just a whirlwind of emotions. I’ve been isolating myself from them, which probably isn’t good. But every time I start talking with them I want to break down and cry. I want to say “how can you all (except for my youngest brother) live like this?! It is so painful”. I feel really alone with my family. It’s the weirdest thing. I’ve supposedly known these people all my life, but actually don’t really know them.

For those of you who are or have already made the transition in being authentic, how do you deal with the fakeness? I see it everywhere, amongst family members, at the supermarket… I get easily irritated. The other day at work this woman who I help told me to “smile, you’re on camera.” I felt so annoyed like I would explode. I didn’t smile and looked back at her and then continued with what I was doing or asked her something about work (I don’t remember). I know it was passive aggressive and also I didn’t know how to answer, I just know that I don’t want to smile because everyone is “supposed to”. Anyways, does it get better? I find myself to be bitter a lot (I oddly feel really good feeling like this, but at the same time I don’t want to feel this way forever).

ChristinemarieA,
Thanks:) What you said about friendships and true friends sticking around is true.

Hi Anita,
I know it’s a good thing. It’s just really hard. For some reason this time I know I can’t go back. Even if I wanted to, my body is rejecting it. I was miserable. I don’t care anymore. I really don’t care. The worst thing that can happen is people leave. And if I have to be fake in order for people to want to hang out with me, I think I will have a way better life being by myself.
Ya, that probably happened; although I can’t remember a specific time. I just received more praise for being the “good girl”, the “good daughter”. It was easy being the innocent, sweet, nice girl or the ditzy, funny girl.
The fear was never gone. My thought process had to do with what do I say to make so-and-so feel good. It was hardly, what do I want to say in reaction to what so-and-so just said.
Of course I made friends fast. Ditzy, fake, people-pleasers are so non-threatening. But these friendships tended to end fast.
These fears have been with me for so long. Might as well face them. I just have to sit with the fears and continue to be myself despite that. Scary, but worth it.

Dear Anita,
Ya, it’s a confusing message, especially since most cultures stress family is everything. Thanks for your words! I have felt guilty for questioning family and you have helped make it more o.k. to do so.

Really hard is an understatement. I’ve been trying since I posted this. I guess progress so far is that I hesitate when my brother mentions something. I used to immediately agree. Now I question it before I choose to or not. The process is slow and arduous, but I feel a little better. Also, I’m starting to say stuff that may make my brother uncomfortable. Yesterday, I shared something with my family that made my brother uncomfortable and he later made a mean comment to me. I ignored it, but now wish I would have addressed him on it. It’s a work in progress. Today, I was congradulated on almost graduating from college. Immediately, he says “hey I’m still trying”. I’m starting to realize that he can’t let me have a complement. He has hardly ever says something nice to me, whereas I have tried. He has subtly ridiculed me for not sticking up for myself in certain situations and when I have told my family about times when I have he uses it as a segueway to talk about himself. I buy a new car, “oh my friend has a [insert more expensive car]”. I recommended a song to my other brother which he shared with the toxic brother, “you know that band is really common and can find that song and others on youtube”. I share with him how I stood up to my boss “I should definitely do that [not in supportive tone, but like he didn’t hear what I said].” I now realize it doesn’t matter what I say or do, it triggers him. He likes to be in control which includes controlling people more or less. I’m starting to think that what bothers him the most is that no moatter what he does or says to “gain control” I will always be the oldest. He is a toxic bully on his worst days and during his best a neutral acquaintance. It feels uncomfortable to not just be disliked, but be disliked by a family member for reasons I have no idea why. His outbursts has everything to do with his insecurities. It just sucks that he takes them out on me. As I’m saying more of my opinions, his comments come out more. I need support. I’m planning on moving out within 6 months. From then on, this difficult relationship will be better managed as I can leave when he starts with the criticism. I have questioned going no contact with him after I move, but feel like such a shitty sister if I would do this.

Thanks Anita! You described exactly how I have been living life these past couple years. It gets old. I’m done with it.