Hi Josh,

I recently ended a three year relationship and went a similar way to you, before really focusing on lessons from Tiny Buddha, Eckhart Tolle and other sites. You were with your partner for a long time, and grief comes in many ways. It is not reasonable to get over your partner in three months, and it is especially hard if you did not initiate the breakup. Try to be patient with yourself.

As hard as it is, what your partner does with another person is not your responsibility. Keeping yourself tied to her in that way will only hurt. Your partner could have talked to you about things WELL before the notes, but she did not. This does not mean she is bad, it was her level of consciousness at the time. I know it feels easier to compare yourself to others (especially the person who is a dishwasher) but people often get with others BECAUSE they are different. The only thing you can change is yourself, and that’s through growth and becoming the person you want to become.

Write that letter to her. Write her many letters – but don’t send them. They are not meant for her. They are meant for your mind’s version of her. It is good to have imaginary conversations with her. I know this is a huge blow to your confidence but you will rebuild. If you’re still not over her (which its fine not to be), then that means it is time to take care of yourself.

She has made her choice. She is living a new life.

You can too – and you don’t have to immediately start dating if you aren’t ready for it.

Hi Sunny,

I went through a similar incident where I felt that I lost control of my life for an entire year. It is a scary feeling, and I empathize with you. I have a question – when you have these “what if” questions, are they in your head? Do you say them out loud? Or do you write it down and genuinely ask yourself? Sometimes we have to befriend our anxiety and, step by step, talk and write about our fears. What would you do?

It is likely that you want to gain control so something so traumatic does not happen again. That is completely valid and understandable, but you do have to live.

Tara Brach, Eckhart Tolle and Conscious Leadership have helped me to greatly deal with my fears. Best of luck and much healing to you.

Hi Henry,

I saw that you had a conflicting post with this – stating that you don’t understand why people think your codependency is bad. Boundaries are a necessity for all of us. You state that you feel guilty and selfish but, in reality, codependency is about how he /I/ interacts with ours. It is about how we (the codependents) are in the other’s lives. It is not necessarily about the other people, even if we THINK it is.

It is good that you acknowledge these thoughts are unhealthy and ruining your livelihood. May I ask how old you are, just to gauge how long you’ve been dealing with this? It might be good to journal and look up on ways to be healthier.

As the blog just posted http://dev.tinybuddha.com/blog/need-please-ruining-life/ it might be a great place to start.

Best of luck,

Lacienaga

Hi Michael,

While there are definitely times to take breaks in relationships, how do you feel about this? Do you honestly feel alright with not having the type of relationship you need, where you are fully with each other? To hold space for someone who wants to do everything but be absolutely committed to you? If it hurts your heart and she will not move forward in the way that you wish, your feelings are incongruent and incompatible. I suggest you let her know how you feel and that you can perhaps have a greater relationship with each other once you ‘shed’ the feelings of you being engaged/married and building your lives as you once thought you were. Grieve that relationship. Go No Contact and let her know that once that ends, you can perhaps try to be friends. But as long as you want something she does not, you can not be friends in the healthiest way possible. Everyone involved deserves to be healthy.