Yeah. I hope I’ll be able to handle it well, but that’s far away. I cannot plan that. There is no outpatient program, but I still have my psychotherapist, so that’s a plus. I’ll have to find a better way how to handle thing with Mom, but we’ll see

Soo, I had a pretty good conversation with.psychotherapist. he was fine. Didn’t seem he appreciated going away from Mom though. So I thought we might try therapy. Like together. Anyways, since I’m not as suicidal as I seem I’m being moved back to my old building. Probably tommorow, or at least I hope so. It could be Friday. But I hope for tomorrow since I could theoretically sign up for race I run each month and go home for a weekend. We will see. But now I have to ‘survive’ a few more hours here. And then I can start getting better again.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Jacko.

I was moved to another building. For more severe cases because I told them I was feeling down on weekend and had a bit of suicidal thoights. I’m just getting.humiliated here and as I’m 17 I can’t get voluntarily out. And my mother believes they do their best, but this is terror for me. I can’t paly guitar can’t go running. I can’t go out. Its locked here. Doctor was making fun of me being silent and laughed that I want to go out because I don’t like it here, trying to convince me they will help me. But I don’t believe them. I’m scared. And I don’t trust anyone who makes me feel fear. I want to do yoga and attempt more psychotherapies with my psychotheraoidt, this is what I believe could help me. I want to get back to ordinary life.

With my parents and my behavior and my depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts

Right now I told doctors that I feel bad, and they said I need to go on solitude. Basically like an animal in a cage. Help me. That will make things even worse.

Maybe. But since I still can’t get.over.my ex, and her behavior got me even more.of those thoughts and thinking of her got me to the solitude. I’m just somehow unable to feel lovl to anyone now. I’m sorry if I will not reply, my phone might get confiscated there and I’ll move in about an hour

Hello. Yeah. Stuff imdont get therapies too often I only had one individual and two group. Thing is, I still cry a lot. The breakup has started to give me notalgic melancholia of missing her, and then I cry how I ended. How everything in my life led to this point. It’s just sad. And I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to be. While I’m writing this, everything got me again. I just don’t have enough motivation to even get myself on back on feet. It’s so hard, if not impossible.

I’m still in hospital, it’s going to be probably six weeks

Hello! Sorry for my late reply, few last days were pretty hectic. I hope you didn’t have up on me. Well, it all ended. I’m in psychiatric hospital and I don’t know for how long. Inwas driving with mother to session and on the way we were supposed to stop to pay.for my yoga classes. I was.supposed to navigate but fell asleep because I didn’t sleep the night before. Then she got angry because.i didn’t tell her the way and then when she missed two turns shemsaid it’s because I’m so silent. Obviously she was angry and wanted me to feel the same. Somehow I exploded and.instead of ”being silent” I started to shout the directions. Then I somehow started headbanging against the car door, like a.lottle child. We then ended on psychotherapy, not only me but her too. With the thing that she cannot take care of me anymore and for an hour and glad I was listening to how bad I am. The therapist tried to somehow encourage me, but the only thing I wanted was to end myself. So I just listened. And the next morning we went to hopsital. So I guess this is the end for now. Or maybe a new start. My plans have been destroyed I just lay in bed, it isn’t so bad, but.. well.

Hello Mark!

Thank you, but it is hard to give yourself nice things. You know. Bad grades at school? Boom, dumb. If I forget to do osmething, which I do all day, Im super scatter minded, then I get just shouted at and so on. There are not many things I can do, in everything I am maybe an average, maybe slightly under average. Ill try to check the book tonight, but I can say now I will mostly forget. Maybe I should write it down. I meditated for two months every morning and every evening, during christmas holiday, I totally lost this habit and I cannot force myslef to even find five stupid minutes to meditate. I run regurarly, strangely I can find energy for that, but to say that its giving me something, wouldnt say.

To Anita:

To your first question, it might be mother. it might be my classmates. They seem to care, but in the end the just cared to spread the word around. So technically they only cared to hurt me even more.

Somehow ungrateful to everything and everyone. It feels like i dont value things around me. I bought mysel a guitar today. Do you think I was grateful for a brand new acoustic guitar? No, it was just like “I worked, well, now its all gone on this guitar. Meh.” I get new clothes, again, silent thank you, then i feel guilty because i dont think i deserve it. My friends try to keep me up sometimes, i talk to them about my problems, but thats all. like i need them just to talk about my things – and this is the third answer. When something is not my way, I subtly and unconsciously try to lead the thing to be my way. its just like I am A ball of the worst emotions packed into narcisstic package, i dont know.