Dear Anita,

I can post my email address here for you- kshitijjain415@gmail.com

I understand that sharing these thoughts does not mean they will go away but I feel it is important to share them

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

I think CAS is something relatable, I cannot let go of my intrusive and pessimistic thoughts no matter what. I have also begun observing that my mind is somehow habitual of that state, of depression, of rumination and the subsequent hopelessness. I do not know if I have told this before but many times, I start searching things on the internet out of nowhere and read articles etc. which is not for self-help but triggers the vicious cycle of intrusive thoughts. I think my internal beliefs worsen my suffering in many ways. We have already talked about shame, and sometimes I feel that my internal shame binds me from doing things that will improve and enrich my lifestyle.

My intrusive thoughts are causing pessimistic and hopeless thoughts these days. Sometimes, when I am in that vicious cycle, I ask whether life is even worth living if suffering is the ultimate reality? I remember your post about repressed anger, and I agree with it. That repressed anger overwhelms me during the spiral, where I  imagine hurting myself emotionally(I think I have shared this in an earlier thread) as well as pushing away all my friends in that anger. I will write another thread about the repressed anger tomorrow and if it is okay, can I also share one thread about my enraging thoughts that were occurring today.

One more question, Anita. There is a recent development in my intrusive thoughts that first happened in the nightmare (mentioned by me a few days ago). I do not think if this forum would be the safest place to mention that, how can I share it with you?

Thanks

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

It’s 12:45 here, I have an exam tomorrow at 9:30, and here I’m crying and spiralling from the last one hour. It began with scrolling of some chats of that time and led to a full spiral.

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

I just observed how anything and everything can trigger my intrusive thoughts. I was listening to a meditation audio where one line Mark Williams said was ‘it’s enough to be here’ and even this line made my anxiety and intrusive thoughts surge.

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

I am trying to get peer support here, it didn’t help much in the past though. I was scrolling through some youtube videos and I saw that a lot of people face the same situation as me. It is really not easy to make friends or social groups. Thank you for believing that, Anita. Every night I start thinking which ends up making me feel lesser, or unsuccessful personally and career-wise. That adds on to my intrusive thinking too because then I start to imagine what would have happened to me in that situation, I would have become a complete and total failure.

Also, can you please tell me sites/blogs where I can access audios of Mark G. Williams? There are only limited ones that I could get till now.

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your thread above on repressed anger. Can I take my time to read it? Maybe after 20th when my exams get over?

I don’t know under what context you sent the last message, but thank you for your empathy, Anita. Its not like talking to you hasn’t been helpful, maybe if today I am at least trying to resolve this issue through therapy or other measures, one reason is the support you provided. I am so grateful for your support, which enabled me to voice my feelings. I saw your message when I got up today and coincidentally, I had breakdowns last night, I am feeling that something is not right, something is not okay.

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

Sure. I will share with you about it a week from now. About the previous therapy session, here is what I wrote in my previous thread dated yesterday-

I could not share anything at all. She tried to begin with asking the reasons why I couldn’t share this with her or with anyone else but I did not speak on that too. We then first looked at a ‘support system’ that would help me, which included things like watching something or reading, talking to a friend, practicing faith, breathing exercises, gratitude journal etc. She asked me to also maintain a journal where I write one good thing that happened in the day. I told her that I have been trying many of these for quite some time but it does not help usually. We then discussed that how I can help myself by changing my environment in the coming summer breaks. But we did not talk about the thoughts and emotions more or less. She told me that while I do not have to get ‘uncomfortable’ in therapy, I should also understand that this is something urgent and needs to be addressed. I do not know whether/how much I will be able to share in the next session.

Thanks,

Kshitij

Dear Anita,

Thanks. I can give my best effort for this routine but there is only one thing that might hinder aerobic exercises and yoga- I have some sort of nerve compression at the moment for which I am following an exercises regime already, it does cause severe pain at times. Otherwise, I am willing to commit to this routine. Please tell me what should I do.

Kshitij