Hey Rose Tattoo,

I really related to your post. I’ve also had a history of acting out in anger in relationships and acting like that “spoiled child” you described. And I used to justify that behavior by focusing on what the other person was doing to me. When I was finally forced to change my ways after nearly losing a man that I loved very much, I discovered that the only way for me to forgive myself and move on was to stop acting like that. It sounds so simple, yet is so so difficult. With the help of therapists, journaling, books, guidance, an accountability partner, MUCH willpower and self-control, and lots of prayer, I was able to change my ways. Never was I able to forgive myself until I was able to consistently act level-headed, support myself emotionally instead of depending on him, and pause before reacting. Until I could start acting like a real grown-up. Then I found forgiveness, my relationship improved DRASTICALLY, he even started behaving much better because he was being treated better, and now we both get to feel good about ourselves and be in a healthy relationship. We are still together today. It’s not easy, but it’s possible. And so worth it if you’re willing to give 110% to changing your behavior. It took a lot of time, definitely did not happen overnight, but it happened. And honestly, I don’t even get the urge to act in my old ways anymore, because I’ve spent years practicing new behavior and it’s just become normal to me.

Hope that reached you in some way.
Kristen

Hey Will,

I completely applaud you for being able to let it all out there like you did. There are so many helpful Twelve Step programs out there for sufferers of addiction, AND for people who are in relationships/love people who are suffering from addiction. Perhaps you can check some of those out. Also, there is a great book called “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie. Maybe you will find some comfort or relatability in one of those suggestions.

Hope that helped,

Kristen

WOW Jerris, just WOW. It’s like you were telling my story. I’m 24 years old, graduated from college in 2013, and had pretty much the EXACT same experience as you, minus a few details. It’s been so difficult for me that I actually just wrote a blog post about it on my website last week. I copy/pasted it for you here and maybe you will get something out of it.

And if you’d like to chat some more, let me know. 🙂

“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

– Paolo Coelho, The Alchemist

Two and a half years ago, I graduated from college. I was unbelievably ready for the next chapter of my life, I felt absolutely on top of the world, and couldn’t wait to get out there and grab life by the reins. I graduated with a 3.78 GPA, academic achievement excellence awards, high honors, and the respect of my fellow classmates. I was flying high. I couldn’t have been more optimistic and ready for what was to come next. And I couldn’t have been more wrong about what was about to happen during the next two years of my life. These were the expectations that I had set for myself:

1) I wanted a job offer at least two months prior to graduation.

2) I needed a salary of at least $35,000 to cover all of my bills. Not a whole lot to ask for right?

3) I was SO ready to move out of my parents house into an apartment with my boyfriend and begin our lives together.

4) I would become a young, successful businesswoman, excelling in all the endeavors I chose to take on. 🙂

5) I was going to be happy, and damn, was I going to feel proud of myself.

This is what I was looking forward to. And it seemed very obtainable. In my mind.

Little did I know that after long hours of extensive preparation, graduating with more accolades than I could count, being placed in the good graces of all my professors, and completing hours of community service, would get me exactly… nowhere.

Okay, okay, I’m exaggerating a bit, but that’s exactly how I felt. I had spent a significant amount of time applying for and interviewing with on-campus interviews, attending workshops at the local career center, and diligently showing up to scheduled career fairs. I spoke to hiring unions, marketing firms, insurance companies, non-profits, graduate schools, law schools, hell I even spoke to FBI and CIA recruiters at one point! I was up for anything. I knew I wanted to be successful, I knew I was going to be successful, and I had given 110% in everything that I had laid a hand on in college. I’d put in the extra work, went above and beyond, and helped my fellow students. I knew God would reward me for my good intentions. I just knew.

Well… to make a long story short, basically what happened was this: I received absolutely NO job offers coming out of college. After three stubborn months of unemployment, rejection letters, and drowning my tears in sorrow, I began working as a Tutor at a Behavioral Analysis company for children with Autism. It was a part-time job making $14/hr. and I was broke. I had moved in with my boyfriend, barely had enough money to purchase groceries let alone pay the bills, and my confidence level had plummeted to just about, below zero. My student loan starting to kick in, and I felt as if the walls would come crashing down at any moment. I was in constant terror of running out of money, being kicked by my boyfriend, and felt as if God had completely forgotten about me.

Now what happened to me DEFINITELY does not happen to every college graduate. There are so many people out there who go on to become very successful very quickly, who are presented with great opportunities as the result of their hard work and diligent networking skills. But, what I discovered is that my experience is an extremely common one. When I started speaking to friends about what was going on, they shared with me that they were in the same boat as well.

It happens to A LOT of us. We believe that Powerpoint presentations, endless research papers, and showing up to class on time amounts to “Experts in Microsoft Office and Great Time Management Skills” on our resumes. We believe that college skills equal full-time employment skills. That if an employer would just give us a chance, we’d show them! That all the hard work we had put in for the last four years have prepared us for the cold, dark world of deadlines, salaries, and managerial skills. We think we’re prepared, but little do we know…we have no idea what in the hell we’re doing.

My story didn’t quite end there though. In the end, I got what I wanted. I worked my way up at the company, I went back to school due to the urging of others telling me that I’d never get anywhere unless I got a graduate degree, and I ended up getting promoted. I got my $40,000 salary, two weeks of paid vacation per year, and the status of being called a “Behavior Consultant.” I wasn’t just a Tutor anymore, I was a “Consultant” now. And you know what else I was? Miserable.

Each Friday night as I got off work I already dreaded going back on Monday mornings. I was bored out of my mind when completing my graduate schoolwork and spent the majority of my time either on Facebook or online shopping. I just wasn’t interested. My stress level was at the highest I had ever remembered in my entire life, and my daily demeanor resembled that of a zombie’s. I simply broke down. I absolutely knew this couldn’t be what I had worked so hard for. I knew that through prior life experiences there had to be more out there. I deserved to be happy. I deserved to have a career that I actually somewhat enjoyed. I deserved to have a work-life balance. Despite the voices of everyone telling me that everyone needs to “pay my dues,” I knew that paying my dues wasn’t going to get me anywhere on the path that I was on. Except miserable. I needed to make a change.

Now, I’m not recommending that what I’m about to say next is the best thing to do for everyone who feels or felt the way that I did, but with the unconditional support of my family, my friends, and myself, I was able to find the courage to start over. I put in my two weeks, called the University to let them know I would not be continuing with their Master’s program (after a full year in), and decided to reassess my situation.

There were so many times when I thought to myself, “I absolutely cannot do this, I have to succeed, I’m going to let everyone down, I’ve made a commitment and I have to stick to it.” I was so afraid of what others would think, of the shame I would feel, of being perceived as a quitter, as lazy, or worst of all, of everyone thinking that I thought I was better than everyone else, that I didn’t have to do the same amount of work as the rest of the world. That I was too proud to pay my dues.

But the truth is, is that I believe that act was an act of courage. I had enough faith in myself to know that there was something better out there for me, some type of work that would make me happier, that I would be better at, that would be more enjoyable, a place where I would be able to make a more useful contribution to this world, but just through a different method. I had enough trust and past experiences with God to know that I would be taken care of. That God did have a plan for me.

Today I work a part-time job helping my mom taking care of children. I have enough money to pay the bills and I go to work with a smile on my face. I recently started this blog as a way to start doing what I’ve always wanted to do even if I don’t get paid for it. My goals have changed, my dreams have changed. What I look forward to now has changed. Today, I look forward to this:

1) I want to share with others what I believe to be true in my heart.

2) I’d like to find the humility to perform honest labor with a positive attitude.

3) I’d like to contribute to others’ lives in a meaningful manner.

4) I’m not going to wait until someone pays me to start doing what I love.

5) I find time each day to better those relationships that mean the most to me.

And I’m proud of myself for that last one. I used to spend so much time either actually working or obsessing and worrying about work, that I didn’t have time for my family and friends. But I’ve realized that that’s not something that I’m willing to give up. I’d rather have the people I love know and feel that I love them, than know that I’m “successful.”

Through this blog I’ve brought together all the different aspects of myself. I’ve put my heart and soul into taking what I’ve learned throughout my life and sharing it with others. My interests are widespread, and together they include: people, style, spirituality, health, cooking, beauty, exercise, and most of all, personal growth. I’ve always wanted to reach people but I had no idea how, and after two dark years I’ve finally found the light. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, I feel more in control of my life than I have in long time, and although I may not be reaping the benefits of PTO and prestige, I get to giggle and laugh on a daily basis, be present for each and every one of my experiences, and sleep peacefully and well every single night. Today, I get paid in love. I get paid in joy. In satisfaction in a good day’s work and a day well spent.

Here is a link to an article I read that might also be helpful for you:

http://www.beyond.com/articles/ways-to-keep-your-head-up-when-the-job-search-drags-on-17331-article.html