A big like to Matt’s answer. And I totally feel for you Kevin. I joined here to answer you, and because I just found this site and think is’s wonderful. I’m kinda in a similar position here. I’m 23, female, and I have never, ever kissed a boy. Not that I haven’t had the opportunities , but I just didn’t want to kiss anyone. I loved a guy in high school, that he loved me, but he was afraid to love me back, because I was not popular. Then at the graduation party, I got drunk, told him that I loved him all these 4 years (I’m also shy, then I was extremely shy and frustrated,low self-esteem, etc. that almost every teenager experiences) and he rejected me, although, after that he said he’d be my boyfriend, but he was afraid he was going to hurt me/blah blah/ anyway, I should give you Kevin advice, but I’ll get to that in a second, I think is also important to hear my path-might be similar to yours. After all that, I got over him, it was hard, but I did, time healed me, etc. Than, I got to college-couple of years after a break after high school-didn’t know what I wanted to study(and those were the best self-realizing 2 years of my live, where I became a vegetarian) I went to college and, my heart was aching for love, and I immediately fell for this boy-he was a good candidate, strange, they way I like them, unusual, but smoked pot everyday, and It didn’t matter to me , since I desperately wanted to love believe me, ANYONE, just to FEEL something. And thank God he didn’t like me(I’m attractive, it’s not that I’m not) but he truth is he liked me-and every single female human on this earth :/ but didn’t like me saying to him-you should stop,/the marijuana/ etc, so, (thank God!) we didn’t do anything-not even a kiss.
And now I am in a different country, studying, and here, let’s put it this way-I’m very picky who I love. First of all, with the experience of the marijuana guy, I didn’t want to fall just for the sake of falling in love. I said to myself-if (my one and only guy-future husband etc) is here, I should see him, meet him, got to know him better, and not push anything. ANYTHING I say. It should flow by it self.
So, there is this guy in our group…he’s not the attractive, but the funny-type guy. He’s American(I’m not) , and somehow, God knows how, day by day, got in to my heart. So I don’t know If I love him(because I don’t know him really) I mean, I see him everyday, he’s funny, charming, I simply enjoy his company, and he got attractive to me. Very much. And I know that is a sign of a love in bloom. Anyway, he has always been just a bit reserved, but nevertheless, he always looked me when he was talking(that might be because he’s american, I’m not sure, nevermind ) he was asking me strange questions like, why this, why that..the type he is not asking others, I even caught him looking at me, and than looking away rapidly-like he was doing something illegal) so I thought to myself-hmmmmmm, “It just MIGHT be possible he likes me”.
And than-it hit me-yesterday, I found out-he has a girlfriend. Weee-heee!
Amazing, right?
It fried my chest, I couldn’t breathe, It hurt my heart physically. I barely went home, cried my heart out, I was listening to music to relax me and cried, and begged fog God to stop the pain, but not wanting to close my heart again, like I did before. I don’t want to become a rock again, I want to let it bloom, although it gets hurt.
And than I realized in the middle of feeling pity for myself-Hey, wait! I was just saying in class the other day that your happiness depends only and only from you, so I realized-why am I crying? I know it hurts, but I want to love him-I don’t care he has a girlfriend. I don’t care if he even likes me, or not. This love(or whatever it is) is MY feeling, and MINE only. I’m feeling it, so I have the right to project it and express it. No one can stop me. And I want to evolve, I want to feel a selfless love for the first time in my live-I remembered he said, that he will probably get married when he goes back to America, so that means he will marry her, his girlfriend. And I don’t care anymore, do you believe me Kevin?
And I love him, I want him to be happy. If he loves his girlfriend, go marry her. Be happy.
I love you, but I want you to be happy,
If nothing, I can get evolution of my soul in my experience. Now that I’m not expecting anything from him, I feel WONDERFUL. And yesterday, when I cried I felt immediately like I got a huge dose of endorphin and I smiled all the time. I wasn’t crazy, I just felt amazing, like I realized the secret of love.
So , I know this was a long, painstaking to read answer, my point is dear Kevin, is to give up. Give up all hopes and expectations you have when you fall in love. And the beauty of it is-you can fall in love in ANYONE. You just need to try and see their good sides. And when you do-don’t plan your life together, just love. Selfless, pure love.
If she sees you love her that way, and she does not want what you have to offer-she is a fool in my opinion, and someone else will see your pureness in the ability to love and will fall for you. And you will be mature in the aspect of loving.
That goes for me too.
If he receives my love that would be amazing. But I don’t want to go there. It will drag me back to illusions.
If not, I’m HAPPY at this very moment, loving him the way he is and letting my heart be warm and filled with emotions.
I wish you all the best Kevin, I know you can make it, i know you are more than selfish love, and you will see the happiness when you start loving just for the sake of loving.
Hugs and I have the feeling you will find a girlfriend soon 🙂