Sorry for confusing you– I was kind of talking to myself I think! Just venting since I was having a bad day due to other circumstances. The other guy I don’t have much to add about. He was very nice and reliable but I was not feeling a connection either emotionally or intellectually as he did not challenge me or talk about things that I found interesting (or would change the subject when we did). He also came on very strong before I was able to grow anything for him, which made me feel rushed, but that probably wouldn’t have mattered if I felt a connection to him. I found myself not caring whether I saw him or not.

I am friendly and social but also introverted and shy sometimes. At first I may seem reserved (depending on where you meet me) but I can be very playful and love to laugh with others. I am constantly out and about doing fun things or deep in thought, or both. I think of myself as intellectual but not extremely so. I like talking about ideas and concepts more so than day-to-day things and people (unless it’s to talk about them more deeply like motivations, psychologically, etc.). I am still growing out of my insecure, socially fearful childhood but there is more growth to happen. There will be days where I feel very lucky to be surrounded by good friends and other days when they are nowhere to be found and I feel lonely and self-pitying. A few days ago I tried to set up a get-together to reunite a large number of friends and all but 2 (of 20+) bothered to respond and could actually come without cancelling last minute. I felt like a loser, because another girl in the group has no problem getting everyone to show up. When I asked her if she was coming her response was just “no”, not “I can’t make it, sorry.” I am a little jealous of people who are just naturally popular as it takes me a long time to make good, reliable friends. Thankfully I have a few now (they just couldn’t make it 😉 ).

Some days I exude confidence which attracts people to me– including the disorganized guy who couldn’t believe I was shy– but when they leave or I feel abandoned my confidence fades. A few other things lately have been causing me to doubt myself more. For example, I run, which brings me joy and allows me to be with friends, but am injured and have to cancel my training for a marathon I was excited about. The reuniting dinner thing was supposed to be a way for me to connect with those friends. I am also having a hard time finding a new job, although I am lucky to have a stable one but it is unfulfilling and under appreciated. This is all just a natural ebb and flow of good and bad days I suppose, until I mature more and stop letting people and external events affect my self-esteem. It’s a work in progress 🙂

I do notice that when I let all of these little things get to me is when I start thinking about this guy or even my ex before him whom I still miss deeply sometimes (or the things we did together, rather), as I put my self worth in what they think/thought of me when I feel vulnerable.

I’m also still just confused and wish I knew what was going through his head in my quest to understand other people and how they think.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by B.

I doubt it– he is very focused in other areas of his life. He just seems to lose track of time or has a poor grasp of it. He spends a lot of his time engrossed in serious books that would bore me. When it comes to reading and his studies, I probably look like the one with ADHD 😉

His brain does work very differently from mine! It was really fascinating and I loved asking him questions about his perspective on time. Like he would say he couldn’t really keep track of which training groups met on which day, even though he worked there almost every day of the week and that schedule never really changes… He struggled greatly to plan things and admitted frequently that he sucked at timing and was constantly late to things, but he really did make an effort with me because he could tell I valued time. I brought up the register thing only because that meant he was stuck and forced to interact with me 😉 The other day that I ran into him he wasn’t actually on the job anymore but was just hanging out and after a few minutes of me being there working with another staff member he went to the other side of the room behind some stuff and hid in the corner on his phone.

I’d hate to think 5 hours was like 5 minutes to him, though. I did say at one point near the end “well, I didn’t expect this to last more than one drink” and he said “yeah me neither.”

I really just want to know why he feels so awkward or afraid of me now 🙁

• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by B.

Thanks anita! And I agree with you that I am not stuck with her. I read before about how you (and others) have let those who are hurtful in your life go, even if they are close family. I am not ready for that nor do I see myself doing that, but I do believe in tightening up a ton of boundaries. But it is hard. I am trying my best to be kind and inclusive to my mother, but I can never do right. No amount of rights make up for any “wrong” I do for her. I can not simply live my life and grow into an independent adult without “hurting” her somehow or being “selfish”. If that is what I must be to establish healthy boundaries, so be it.

Unfortunately one of us would have to move for a healthier physical distance to occur, but I see that happening for neither of us… But I think so far it has been very helpful for me personally to realize that what she does is unhealthy, so I can begin drawing those very important lines..

Thanks anita for still listening and providing really good questions..

I was scared of when she would explode, but I also knew that she’d just get over it again and be sweet and that the pattern would continue. I still worry about what I do or say triggering something, though I care a little less now because I know she’s just “acting out”. Then later she will apologize because she was feeling anxious and/or depressed, which unfortunately she is suffering from a lot because of her hormones not being at a good level. Funny enough, she tells me often that she’s afraid of setting ME off and that she has to walk around eggshells with me… When I react to her (which I do, we can both be hot headed) she thinks I’m very upset and offended– projecting her typical reactions onto me. I hardly ever am– I’m usually just irritated and defending myself. I don’t get very emotional with most of our fights but I always feel the need to defend myself unlike my dad who gets walked over by her. So she and I go head to head very often. These days I am afraid if I don’t keep up with all of her questions about what my plans are, how my day is, when is she seeing me this weekend she will blow up again and I will have 1 less person to support me when I need it. She gets mad or sad when she can’t see me every weekend now, until she actually has plans and then dropping me is easy for her.

I always thought this was normal for a mom until a year or so ago…

He already had been going to counseling (and I really hope he still is) and was advised that he needed to work out his issues in rediscovering his identity on his own. Who knows what’s going on with him.

Also, my therapist told me something I’m afraid may have been detrimental to my healing a few days ago and I wonder what others think (about what she said or whether she should be saying things like this):

I had texted her after this all happened and she told me a few days later that she thought his call was a last ditch effort to get back together and that he loves me but feels I will never love him as he is. That she could be wrong but was offering a thought that came to her. I of course don’t think that’s the case, though when I saw him in person I did mention I was going on vacation to a foreign city that we had both talked about going to together a few months ago, but with another guy (he’s just a friend and no one else wanted to come.) Maybe he did feel a little jealous about it, or thought I was ok enough that he could tell me something I probably wasn’t really ready to hear…

I was doing great before I found out. I’m still doing fine, though I had several bouts of emotional breakdowns at the end of the day/first thing in the morning when I was alone. A few days later I was doing fine again. I didn’t realize it but I think I was using my crush on a guy I see often as an emotional crutch to move on. Crushes have always been exciting to me and I grew up always having one and enjoying living in my fantasies. It also gave me hope but as I’m very familiar by now, I get a little too emotionally involved after a while.

Both myself and (I’m fairly certain) the guy are very shy when it comes to someone we like but I am pretty sure I can tell that he likes me back. I’ve learned that my gut instincts have been incredibly accurate after doubting myself all these years. Unfortunately I just learned that he is applying for a PhD program a few states away, so I guess pursuing him is pointless… but it has also made me miss my ex again and now sad about this crush. I wish I were less shy and had the guts to tell someone how I feel instead of always getting too scared and then later regretting not doing anything. Maybe he doesn’t end up leaving and I miss my chance?

I’m not terribly lonely, but I really just miss… something. I don’t know what it is. Attention? Obviously love and affection as well… Trying to get to the bottom of this. I want to be carefree and excited again! I don’t like how I feel when wrapped up about someone else 😛