thanks anita
yeah anxiety can actually be a talent. How’s that?
I’m always thinking worst case scenario instead of best case scenario.
I get anxious about being anxious, worry about worry,
humour is the only thing that saves my day but often it is only me who is laughing,
people with high self-esteem can’t understand humour from those of us with self-deprecating low self-esteem.

The ruminant
thanks so much!!
I’m relieved to hear life is not a suffering competition. 🙂
Nice of you to say that I may be fulfilling my life purpose by just starting/replying to a forum thread on the Internet.
But I agree that when we are fully present for others, we fulfil our purpose as empathic human beings. We need to be there for each other. We need to support each other. Life doesn’t come with a “how to ” manual”. The Bible might help us be good people but it doesn’t detail how to be assertive and cope with intimidators/manipulators and people with nasty agendas in the real world.
Maybe the meaning of our lives is supposed to be mysterious. We only get hints, clues that we might be heading in the right direction. We can never be absolutely sure that what we are doing has God’s blessing or whether Buddha thinks we are completely delusional.

Next week I have to decide whether to quit my current job or stay. It is a nightmare with my line manager micromanaging me, belittling me in front of clients and colleagues, lecturing me like a child. She has no idea how to communicate respectfully. I’m not the only one being harassed.
I have enough savings to last another 6 months and bills are minimal. I can afford to quit but…how soon can I get another job?
How much do I want to front up to the same job next week and take more punishment? Not much. Truth be told, not at all. Am I running away? Am I still a child who can’t face his responsibilities?
All I know is life is too short to stay at jobs you hate. Hating your job puts you in a bad mood for your free time. I can’t relax and forget about work after work. It consumes me.
Worst case scenario? Wife leaves me and we have to sell the house (which is paid for by the way) I become homeless, my health declines, I stop brushing my teeth and I get fully blown depression or some other hardcore mental illness. I get mugged and kicked by other vagrants and slowly die a lonely, pathetic death in a cold, lonely laneway. Yes it is comical the way I think, isn’t it. I admit that at least.
But tell me Ruminant, can I help you with any of your issues?

No but I plan to read that book and others on zen Buddhism soon. I’ve been putting off Zen because it looks too esoteric with those koans. Also zazen looks kinda cruel and I can only meditate sitting on a chair.

If I look back at my current problem at work I see that my lack of self forgiveness is a major contributor. I felt so stupid to let this happen. To let them speak to me rudely without even a whimper from me. I consoled myself by saying “I’m just gonna focus on the task, not worry what they say”. But the process does matter. The task is not more important than how we are treated by our colleagues.And I think my lack of self-forgiveness was a way of saying “I can’t let this happen again. I must punish myself as a strong reminder never to let this happen again.
I go back to work later next week. I’m prepared to walk out this time. leave them to it. I hope it doesn’t get to that. But I want to show I’m not desperate for the job. I can find another job but it will be hard. My pride is important. I don’t need to be a whipping boy for them to get ride of their stress.
I have to psyche myself up to perform like a tiger, my new persona. Just hope I don’t overdo it.

Compassion is a very precious gift in our cruel world–you shouldn’t give it away to just everyone. Most people don’t deserve it.

An excellent post Evelyn. Thanks. Seems you know exactly what is going on, perhaps because you have tread the same path as me before.
I’ve just quoted you hear because I find this particular comment somewhat controversial. I mean I tend to agree with you but I wonder what other Buddhists would say about “most people not deserving compassion”. My view of the “real world” is similar in that most people are only looking after their own agenda; the real world being like a competitive jungle and survival of the fittest.
I especially like your advice about using the same behaviour as them (my colleagues) to survive. Stop smiling and being so eager not to offend. It’s like the wild west. You have to develop some “don’t mess with me” demeanour or you’re in trouble.
Sad though that we have to adopt these masks. I’d prefer to be my old relaxed, non-threatening self.

Saiisha
Thanks for links. I’ve just read all of them. They were good but did not deal specifically with standing up to bullies or harassment at work. They spoke in more general terms. Example self-worth. Yes I know that I just have to keep meditating and I will eventually find that inner wellspring of self-acceptance that is lying below all the negativity.
Starting to think I’m too self-absorbed. Should take a break from myself eh.