Hi Jay,

Thanks for sharing your experience. That must have been tough with 2 people close to you behaving this way. My dad and sister share many similar traits so maybe it is similar to how you have suggested and that is is learned behaviour. I spoke with my therapist this morning and she has said it is a boundary issue. My sister does not like others enforcing boundaries and it is in all aspects of her life. She has always struggled to keep a job and we thought it was because she had issues with authority but I now realise it is in situations where she has to adhere to boundaries, for example she is not supposed to use her personal mobile phone during work hours due to client confidentiality (she can on breaks ect) and she has been in trouble at work because she struggled with this boundary.

The more I understand how other’s behaviour and choices affect me and how I feel, the better equipped I feel in dealing with those situations that make me feel uncomfortable. I am learning to have more peaceful and mature reactions and this is helping me deal with situations that would normally create great distress and anxiety for me. I am learning that I cannot control or manage other people’s behaviour, but I can become more equipped with how I react and deal with them which feels great and empowering. 🙂

Thank you all for your advice. We do intermittently take breaks from seeing one another as things get very explosive. I guess my issue is that I feel extremely guilty at the thought of taking a step back from her. I find it near impossible to not “take on” her issues and problems which can make me very unhappy, anxious ect but the thought of not being there to help her makes me feel like a bad sister. I don’t know what feels worse the guilt of not helping or the unhappiness and anxiety of being involved in her life.

Dear Anita and Dawn,

Thank you again for your responses. I think there may be a lot of truth in him taking on my aniexties when I relieve them onto him – I had not considered this. I don’t feel that I micro manage him or that I’m overly critical or have unrealistic demands in any way. What I meant by the dusting example was that he always carries the attitude that he knows best and that nothing I have to say or to contribute has any value. When I’m away at all it’s as if I’m completely out of mind and he is very careless let alone he barely stays in touch with me.

I think this past week has really been an eye opener to me and I now have very little desire to return to the relationship. It is amazing what you can be unaware of when you are in the midst of it all.

This has helped me to accept that it is only him who can face his problems too, so thank you.

If you have any advice for healing and moving on I would really appreciate that also.

Thank you

Dear Anita and Dawn, thank you both for your response.

The examples of uncomfortable conversations can range greatly, from me simply expressing that maybe he should try to do something a different way, like dusting or tidying from the way he normally does it, to more serious things like I feel he is distant or bad at staying in touch with me when I’m away with work or if I think he has inappropriate behavior with other women and try to express my insecurities. I have realized the past few days that he has been 100% emotionally unavailable to me and neglected my emotions also. I have had these outbursts of my feelings eventually when things have built up so much and I am tired or if I have been drinking I seem to get more courage to say to him how I feel.

Dawn you are right about the wall that has been created between the two of us and it definitely has made it difficult for me to feel close to him or to ever really know how he is feeling. I also agree that it is only him that can work on that part of himself and there’s not much more I can do now … I feel scared to ever bring anything up, or even ask him how he is feeling because I know he will start to feel uncomfortable and become distant with me.

I don’t feel I have much choice other than to leave the situation as that seems to be what he wants anyway, I no longer am ok with not talking about how I feel and emotionally neglecting myself too.

The worst part that I have realized through all of this is that his family seem to encourage this type of behavior. Instead of him showing emotion or being angry/sad they seem to do it for him. They also seem to validate any of his dramatizations and encourage him to think more dramatically about things. They seem to be absolutely horrified that we have had an argument and that I have been angry and had an outburst. I tried to explain to him that I am human and I can’t always be perfect and sometimes I will handle situations wrongly but he doesn’t seem willing to accept that.