He is more emotionally underdeveloped and sees things as a child in that they are black and white/ good or bad. So if he feels hurt, he assumes I hurt him, assumes I’m abusing him and I am not.

You mentioned that you believe his ex-wife has BPD (or perhaps it’s NPD). Could it be possible that he also has BPD, of a milder sort? My husband does, and your partner’s behaviour sounds similar.

He is not malicious, but his delusions of me being against him get stronger, not less, with each disagreement we have. I can say there is no bread to my son, and he overhears interprets it as an attack, like as if I insulted his ability to provide, he desperately came to me the next day to show me that there was bread in the freezer. Then he was disappointed when I pointed out that I could not make French toast with that type, I meant that there was no sliced sandwich bread, it was no big deal at all to me. I can only imagine the abuse he endured when he behaves that way.

This part that makes me think of BPD, too. You seem to be a far more perceptive person than I am. When I first noticed my husband’s BPD behaviours, I thought he was utterly insane. But once I read about how people with BPD’s emotions are heightened, and how they can be extremely sensitive to things that wouldn’t phase me, I was able to understand.

I see that he, like me, is only capable of what he is capable of seeing and doing. I also have so much compassion for him in his position. I just want peace for myself, some freedom, some love that does not hurt me even if it is unintentional hurt.

Acceptance is a good place to start, I think. It’s ultimately up to you to know what you can handle, and whether you need permanent distance, or just need to figure out a way to provide yourself with enough space (meaning alone time, etc) to keep yourself well.

I have chosen to stay with my BPD husband, because I have been able to learn new relational skills, including setting boundries, and communicating them in a way that makes sense to him. It’s not easy AT ALL, but I went into it with my eyes open. With your history of PTSD, I can see why being a partner who is struggling (with PTSD also, or whatever else is causing him to act out), could be unhealthy for you. =/

Obviously I can’t know if your partner is dealing with BPD or not, but I think some of the tools at the BPD Family forums might be worth looking into. Personally, that website has been a fount of information, help, and understanding. The tools explained there have made a massive difference in my relationship with my husband. When he emotionally dysregulates, I have ways to handle it appropriately for both of us (NOT just for him–there are times I need to protect MYSELF from his emotional distress, because it can fly in my direction every so often).

The thing is, I do have to be the “adult” in the relationship, when he is experiencing these intense emotions. This can be extremely exhausting. I am the one who has to keep my cool, and lay down the law in much the way an adult has to when dealing with a 2-year-old in a tantrum (for example: “You must be pretty upset to threaten the silent treatment. Threats don’t work with me, but I would like to understand why you are upset. Would it be all right for us to talk about what you are feeling, or would you like some time to calm down first?”) It was a bit awkward, for sure, to realize that my partner has the emotional maturity of someone much younger. I am not his therapist, though. He needs to work on developing emotional skills with a professional. I cannot change him. However, practicing good communication skills and boundary setting as consistently as I can, does make our day-to-day life MUCH smoother. My husband still suffers emotional distress, but it’s something I don’t have to let carry me along also.

Anyway, I encourage you to check out the The Lessons in the BPD Family forums, especially the communication tools, validation, and JADE lessons. Maybe they won’t be helpful for your husband. Or maybe you’ll find one thing that helps everything make a bit more sense. Actually, the people there are really kind, and might be able to offer some support or suggestions for dealing with your partner’s ex-wife. I have learned so much those wonderful people.

I wish you all the best, Sunfl0wer. You seem like a lovely individual, and I know how lonely it can be to deal with a partner who is dysfunctional. 🙁 Sending you warmth.