Hi Anita,

Thank you for this thoughtful, detailed response. I’m certain this will be a great exercise for me. I really want to make the most of this, so I will spend some time each day, for the next few days, to give you an insightful response. You can expect to hear from me early next week.

Until then, I hope you have a relaxing and enjoyable weekend!

Best Regards,

Kareem

Hi Anita,

It is about four hours since my last post. As I had predicted, the same anxiety (the mental and physical sensations) has returned. Sharing if it is helpful at all.

Thanks again,

Kareem

Hi Anita,

This sounds like a good plan. I am happy to continue discussing this with you on this forum. I realize this may take time, but I will commit myself to remaining active and replying to each of your questions.

I would describe negative emotions as those which are deprecating to oneself or another person.

Towards another person, an example could include preconceived notions or negative judgments without even knowing them (something I was guilty of in my youth). It could also be feeling negatively about someone after a rude or unkind interaction (e.g. when someone rudely shoved me in a crowded place, I would feel resentment or anger towards this person). I am realizing that perhaps these are negative thoughts, rather than emotions.

I would like to emphasize that what I have described as negative emotions are a bit more internal. For many years, I struggled with making friends in school and was teased/bullied, moreso in late elementary and middle school. I would feel ashamed (a negative emotion) as if there is something wrong with me, I would wonder throughout my teen years why I can’t be “normal.” The example I mentioned above, in my self-perceived bad performance in school, I had a poor self-view (another negative emotion). I had little confidence while applying to college, for example, and to this do I brood over what would have happened had I applied to a few more places, even though I got into a school I wanted to.

Is this making sense? Please let me know if you would like me to clarify something further.

Hi Anita,

Upon reflection, I believe your sentiments are spot on. In the past, emotion has often gotten in the way of some of the choices I can make. This can be positive emotions (wanted to do something for someone else, like with the box), or negative emotions (e.g. I didn’t apply to certain colleges because I was simply convinced I wouldn’t get in).

I have definitely made improvements over the years. The person who I was as a high school senior is nowhere close to who I am now (and I am so glad for that). However, I struggle with leaving the past behind. I am disappointed with the choices I made, which I realize were driven by emotion. I believe that there is always a positive lesson to learn from negative situations, but it bothers me that it took a negative situation to learn the lesson in the first place. I am often hyper focused on wondering why I made the choices I did (before I made the improvements that got me to where I am). I even feel regret and anxiety about feeling regret and anxiety.

Please do let me know if there is anything I can clarify. Hope you’re having a great day!

Thanks,

Kareem

Hello Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to read through my thread again, and for providing a detailed response. I do agree with what you have said to an extent.

You are right in that my work in the organization was one thing I truly, genuinely wanted to spend my time doing. My heart felt full while I was doing that work, and attaining the regional position felt like a dream come true. I don’t quite think my parents realized this, and when my work in this organization came at the expense of school, they were not too happy. Internally, I would often feel that doing this work was a mistake, because it was impacting my school performance. The pain from my friend’s response is also true, although another friend (uninvolved in this organization) has told me he definitely did not have any intentions of hurting me. When I would see him any time in the several months following the box, he always greeted me with great enthusiasm and spoke very highly about our time together as board officers. I also agree that I need to begin the process of creating a new, enjoyable life for myself.

I would like to note, though, that my parents were never abusive, or even yelled at me about my involvement in this organization (although they did have disappointment about my grades slipping). Being a child of immigrants from India, I was often taught performing well in school is what allows you to get further in life, and at the end of the day, enjoy your life. This is something I also firmly believe in. Even now, many years after graduating from college, I wonder what may have resulted had I worked harder or had more confidence in myself.

I believe that the idea of “owing your parents,” is a bit of cultural thing as well, as this is common practice in India (but I realize this may not really apply to me here in America). Regarding saying sorry several times, my parents often tell us we don’t need to do that. I am not entirely certain where that behavior stems from. You cited my comment of being a “spoiled brat.” I was definitely an irritable teen for my last two years of high school and I do regret this. I have felt the need before to apologize for this, although I realize teens are often difficult. I am wondering if you feel this falls in line with feeling a sense of undue guilt and debt, as many, if not all, teenagers are like this.

Additionally, while the contents of the box meant a lot to me such that I wanted to give it to a peer, I don’t think I would classify it as having the “highest value…” (but it did mean a lot to me) I think I have previously mentioned, that I do my best not to be attached to objects.   It’s interesting you bring up the point of paying back my parents; I have asked them that before, but they have said there is no need to. Recently, my sister announced she wanted to quit her job for new ventures, but was worried about her financial state. My parents said they would be happy to support her in the meantime. That being said, though, I think that paying my parents some money would actually help me move ahead.

Looking back, my regret is that I let my emotions get the best of me (I wish I had waited maybe a week to really think about it before sending. I wish I had the perspective to look a few years ahead. I don’t know why I was in such a hurry to send this box, whereas with other materials I had, I waited several weeks, if not months to finally get rid of). I try to look back on this as a learning experience (I know I learned something from this), but then I get frustrated that it took this incident to learn that. And, I regret all the time I have spent thinking of this for the past 7 years. I believe it is worth noting that at times, I do regret my participation in this organization. Maybe sometimes, I think it is related to the box, but more often than not it isn’t (there were other ways this organization caused stress to my life, perhaps unduly).

I also agree that I need live my own life (have been planning a move to a new city, for a fresh start for several months now). Do you have any suggestions as to how I can internally put this behind me and forget about the time I lost thinking about this? I almost feel that a conversation with my parents might help, even though they never brought this incident up. Maybe it may help me to hear that they don’t feel I owe them anything in this regard.

Thank you again for taking the time and consideration to help me out on this, I know you already have a lot on your plate. If you are unable to respond to any of the above, I completely understand. I also realize that you are limited in the extent to which you can help over a platform like this.

Best Regards,

Kareem

Hello Anita,

I hope this message finds you well.

I sincerely apologize for being so intermittent on this forum. I was wondering if we may be able to continue this exploration/discussion if you are willing. If you would rather not, as there are likely others on this forum with greater needs than my own, I will completely understand. If so, I will begin by responding to your most recent question.

I truly appreciate how much you have been willing to help me out, entirely out of the goodness of your heart.

Best Regards,

Kareem

Hi Anita,

Yes, I think that might be the issue in part. I was slightly disturbed by my peers response; it was mostly positive, except for that last line I mentioned earlier. That said, we did have a great friendship. But about a year later, that line really began to bother me, and I ultimately chose to let that friendship go.

Perhaps my thought process was initially, when I  had given him the box, that “oh well, he can give them out.” In hindsight, though, my thought is constantly “I just shouldn’t have given them at all.”

As Inky mentioned, my parents probably don’t even remember this, but I am still ashamed at my behavior. I will say, that in the past day or so my feelings have calmed down, at least somewhat. Feel free to let me know if I can clarify anything.

Thank you so much!