Shelby,

You are absolutely right. I am so aware that healing isn’t a linear process and that there are certain things in life that take a looooooong while to process. Whilst rationally I know that it’s still so draining to feel in such intensity sometimes. And I am grateful for getting out of the hell hole but sometimes i’m really just like sh** I’m so god damn tired of being sad now!!!!! Meh, nonetheless we keep on keeping on!

The plan for this weekend is most definitely bed, pj’s and Netflix. I have 0 energy for any form of socialising of any sort, I really just want some peace and quiet by myself and may even squeeze my little but extremely needed cry in there (yaaaay!). I think that’s one thing I definitely miss when living with my family, at least I could shut myself in my bedroom and have an ‘early night’ but really sit up for a few hours having a cry. Living with Mr A means that I have no space to do that now because he is just as welcome as I am in the bedroom! But I’m hopeful that he has made some plans of his own for this weekend so that I can have some breathing space.

I also completely hear you regarding doing what’s best for you. I think feeling like I am failing friends or family members is a major thing for me (I’m aware though and working on it). Sometimes it’s almost like I feel responsible for the way others around me are feeling and do everything and anything to lift their spirits! Actually I had a situation on the day of my move. I had taken one day off of work to do as many runs to the new property as possible and try to organise as much as I could in the new place so that I could go back to work the next day. My parents were due to fly back into London that same morning around 6am and asked if I could collect them and drop them home because my little sister needed to be at school for 8:45am. Despite knowing i’ve got a hectic day ahead of me, being the person that I am I agreed. So I woke up at 5am to head to the airport and saw a message from my mum to say that their flight had been delayed and they won’t arrive in London until 2pm that afternoon. At that point I knew it would’ve been impossible for me to drop everything I’m doing with the move and go to the airport, all the way back to my family home and then all the way back to the flat, I would’ve got absolutely 0 done! But I still couldn’t find a way to say no even though it was stressing me out to say the least. I was in a full frenzy trying to get as much done as possible etc to the point that I actually broke down with my other sister in my car and she said to me ‘It is not your responsibility to take care of others! It is not your responsibility to try and make everyone happy all the time!’ and she actually had a separate word with my mum who was oblivious that I needed to be left alone as this is already too much for me.

And it is true. Whenever someone is feeling bad I feel personally responsible for it when I shouldn’t! It’s kind of in my nature, but I am working on it.

Ah weddings are always fun eh! (NOT!) Actually the wedding that me and Mr A went to recently captured a very sad photo of me haha!! We had been off with one another the whole day and then when we got to the wedding I was clearly upset looking at a newly wed couple and wondering just how bloody far away that bliss is for me and the look on my face in the photo!!!! Oh it said a million words!!!

I hope you do enjoy it as best as you can! I do love your little sober escape plan though just in case! It’s always good to have options 🙂

Hi ladies,

I hope you’re both well!

Apologies for going awol again for a few days, for some reason the recent time has been particularly hard on me again! Whilst still trying to keep my spirits up I suppose sometimes you just can’t win and just have to sit through it.

I’ve been feeling an intense need to just cry recently and am finding it difficult as I really need some peace.. I absolutely do not want any attention from Mr A, family or friends, I simply just want to have a good old cry and perhaps that’ll release some of the excess emotions!

It’s very disheartening when the ongoing sadness is just constantly present despite my best efforts to keep going. I’m feeling a little stuck again lately so just trying to look internally to get to the bottom of this sadness.

Shelby, I’m so pleased to hear that you are actively looking into your travel plans now! I am so excited for you and in absolute awe of your bravery! I mean during the last year I have gone from a social butterfly to an absolute loner, by choice, and I don’t even think i’d have it in me to plan a four week trip away in foreign land by myself! So honestly, kudos to you! It look’s like i’ll be hearing from both you and Michelle soon about all the beautiful places in the world that you are exploring!

I’m stuck in the UK unfortunately as the flights to go back home are too expensive.. There is also a part of me that feels obliged to stay behind as my younger sister is here on her own so I am making extra effort to see her every weekend so she doesn’t feel too alone! But I look forward to hearing all about your sunny adventures!

Morning both,

Yes Michelle, the exhaustion is definitely showing through at the moment!

The thing about myself & Mr A is that technically we’re not in a ‘bad’ place.. But things just aren’t the same anymore. We find ourselves sort of in a never ending cycle of my needs aren’t being met and then he will turn distant and then I’ll try my best to be loving (because he specified that as one of his needs) but he will kind of ignore my advances so then I turn distant and it’s a cycle that never ends and we are two quite frustrated unhappy people at the moment.

Now whilst I understand that us getting back together post trauma meant that we would be building a completely new relationship, I wonder whether perhaps too much has happened to ever really be happy together again, despite loving one another. Also, I’m not sure if this is really the case as I haven’t explored enough but the way to describe it is I love him, but I am not in love with him. When I try to think of all of the reasons I loved him before it was because he was a good man, because he unconditionally cared for my heart always, because he was my rock, because he was my safe place, my joy.. and it made me want to do everything for him because I knew he always did the same for me. Now do I think he’s a good man? Probably somewhere deep down but I also now know a very very ugly side to him which initially shocked me, does he unconditionally care for my heart? Absolutely not.. Is he my rock? No! I picked my own self up, by myself, for myself through the nightmare of the last year! Better yet, he LEFT me to pick up the pieces by myself! Is he my safe place? Well how could he be when he was the reason behind the nightmare?! So my PTSD here is already sending triggers through me to protect me. My joy? Well yeah, we have a laugh because thats just how we are.. But does he make my heart feel light with joy because I am so proud to stand by such a good man? Is my heart full of joy because this man is absolutely making my dreams come true?  I don’t think so..

It’s a lot to think about but I’m taking a bit of a back seat approach because I realise the mind/heart war is just not worth it. So I’m trying to analyse everything from a distant angle so to not cause myself too much upset.

Shelby, I hope you’re ok! Can’t wait to hear from you xx

Morning Shelby,

Thank you for your kind words as always. It is true, I have come a long way and into the light but on days like this PTSD is really kicking the sh** out of me! Since last night my mind has been nothing but a trigger zone, I woke up at 6am this morning crying my absolute eyes out (this hasn’t happened in a while). I am on edge, my mind keeps wandering to the events of last summer and no matter how much I try to stay focused on the present it just keeps re-routing and doing it’s own thing. Very frustrating as you then think ‘Hey brain! Why are you doing this to me?!’ I feel it’s going to be a long, sad day full of fear and tears. Full of torment and horrible horrible memories that I would rather forget but hey.. all part of healing right?

It’s crazy to hear that your subconscious is almost reassuring you that your plans for travel are going ahead. On the other hand, it’s a good thing. People all say that we have a subconscious and gut feelings to listen to them, humans many many years ago used these things for survival so we have to let it do its thing. I’m guessing as you have been pondering over the idea of travel on a serious level the last few days your family aren’t yet aware? What do you think they’d think of it all? Also, would it just be Australia that you want to go and explore or are you planning to do a trip somewhere else as well?

Just on a side note though, you’ve absolutely complimented my progress in acknowledging my feelings & triggers but Shelbs, you’re doing just the same! You realise that you may be sad, hurting, disappointed, a little lost, you’ve admitted those things, but yet you are trying your best everyday and coming up with solutions to better yourself. Proud moment!!!!

Evening ladies,

Michelle – Yes thankfully I feel a little more settled today! We all knew it would pass right?! It’s just sometimes in the moment that it’s a bit overwhelming. You’re absolutely right, albeit it is still difficult I know this is just another one of those things that I will learn to live with and live through, just the same way I lived through back in february! I’m trying my best to look forward to the weekend away next week, I should be excited so no more sopping about! Life is for living.

Shelby – Yes work is still hectic. But it’s good, it’s keeping me busy. Although I must admit that I am feeling a little drained now and having a real need to get away on a holiday somewhere..

You actually have no idea just how much internal exploring you are doing in your latest posts. It’s actually quite inspiring and motivating.

‘if I make this move, if I travel, does that mean I’m working on myself and growing? Or will I just still feel this way 6 months down the road?’ 

The answer to that is you just cannot know. You don’t know how you’ll feel in 6 months time whether you travel or not. You wont know how you’ll feel in 6 months time period. And whether you travel or not you are still working on yourself and growing, regardless of what you do. You’re clearly using your energy right now to really pin point your ideologies about life and kids and marriage and work and travel and I think overtime when you really start to check in with yourself you’ll find the answers were there all along.

You mentioned a little while ago that you wanted to change jobs. Getting time off work for 2 weeks for a holiday is tough enough so I can imagine any idea of longer travel will be a nightmare.. If you do decide to travel, perhaps it would be handy to leave work beforehand so that you can travel as much as you want and then when you come back you can start something new, a fresh start?

Afternoon both,

Michelle you hit the nail on the head with the reference to time there. Shelby, like yourself I had to attend one of them ‘life’ events myself this weekend. We had a wedding yesterday and it was gorgeous and I even got quite teary at one point with my mind in full overdrive about how much I thought my life would’ve been different at this point, about how much i’d love to be walking down the isle looking like a princess in my white dress, seeing men with their wives speaking with absolute pride and honour and there I was.. 4 years in, with no sign of anything like that on the horizon with Mr A and it put me in a very foul mood. Resulted in us arguing and actually having a deep chat about me feeling unsure etc.

I actually journaled last night (something I promised myself to do as and when my emotions/feelings are running a little high and I’m struggling to process) and it helps once you’ve had a few hours away BUT it’s sad to read back knowing I don’t feel that he is the man I want to marry. How sad is that girls?! This man who I’ve been so utterly in love with is not the same man I can picture myself marrying.

Nonetheless, the need to try and ‘control’ the situation is obviously getting the best of me at the moment and I need to take a step back and remind myself that not all things are in my control. It kinda brings me back to the idea of time and not settling for just ‘ok’ like you said Michelle. This is ‘ok’, we’re fine, we’re getting along etc but it’s just okay. It isn’t amazing, and I know it can be because I’ve had it before with him and it’s something I know I can have and refuse to settle until I have that again mr A or no Mr A. It’s what I deserve.

We all knew the move was going to be a make or break, so let’s see what actually happens but I’ve got my bets on one more than the other.

Shelby, I hope you got through your hen night okay and it wasn’t too exhausting for you, the wedding for me definitely was!

Hi Marie,

Following this thread as in a somewhat similar situation in that my ‘partner’s mother is an abusive, controlling narcissist also.

None of it made sense UNTIL I had to endure terrible trauma and through therapy and research of my own I actually was able to understand that this is a real thing, it is an illness and more often than not it isn’t something that is ever going to change.

I wouldn’t advise to leave your fiance, you guys seem really happy and content BUT keep your distance from the monster behind the mask.. It’s a good thing that you were able to pick these traits up now before anything horrible happened to you. Unfortunately for me that wasn’t the case, I was completely blinded and in awe by this woman who very quickly turned out to be someone who took away from me everything that I had known for the past 25 years, literally.

Distance and boundaries are key here. And remember, you are not obliged to allow this person into your life. Whether people say you marry the family or not, it is YOUR relationship and YOUR life. So long as you respect your fiances wishes to continue or not to continue to have contact with her, and he respects yours you guys will be okay.

Wishing you all the best!

Hi ladies,

Shelby – Have you been to see the dr regarding the chronic pains? Michelle does have a very good point. Our physical health is very closely linked to our mental health – scientifically proven! Being under a lot of stress or experiencing anxiety/depression can have a big impact on your health and your body will eventually respond. I can speak from experience.. I am still battling with my cystic acne (which appeared out of nowhere a few months following trauma) and my irregular cycles (which changed following trauma and had been 28 days on the dot for the last 16 years!). I remember saying to myself many times throughout the darkest times that I feel as though my body will give up on me soon enough, because I genuinely felt like my body is shutting down. I know its easier said than done, but it may be worth giving yourself a little break every now and then, even if it is just to run yourself a bath with your favourite bubble bath or reading a nice book!

You also asked, ‘Do you remember a little while back, you didn’t feel the will or motivation to go on. Was there a catalyst that pulled you out of that or what made things change for you? You have a really good attitude now, I admire you. So clever and focused.’ There wasn’t a catalyst as such at all. I cannot actually recall a specific time in which I said to myself enough is enough and it actually worked.. I was in an extremely dark place for a long long time and actually it was my therapist who made a good point (in our last ever session last week 🙁 ) that despite being absolutely down in the gutter with no more will or energy to live, sounding like I had given up, I always attend to our sessions and spoke to her about all these new things that I keep trying to do to get better. Whether it was communicating with you ladies, going to the gym, researching and reading into mental health and psychology or simply hanging out more with family and friends, she said that in itself is strength like no other. And I never really looked at it that way at all, I always used to say as you ladies will probably recall that I’m trying everything and nothing is helping and so I am just doomed for a life full of misery. I was tired, exhausted really with absolutely no way forward. I think it really just was this underlying perseverance to get better that has brought me to where I am today.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am no way near ‘normality’ so to speak. I think all in all things now are going to be different than they have been my entire life because I am still getting to know this new person that I have become. I still have intensely bad days, triggers and heaps of emotional ups and downs BUT I can recognise these things now and it makes it that little bit easier to deal with them there and then.. rather than ignoring them, using any and every distraction to get away from them and eventually spiralling out of control..

Which brings me to this point, @Victoria, welcome back! It is nice to hear from you again. As a fellow PTSD sufferer, the first thing that helped me is really learning about the condition and understanding it. For a long long time (before I even knew of PTSD) I legitimately thought I was just going crazy, that the trauma I had experienced had caused my mental to shatter and I would forever be broken as a result. Learning about the condition and coming across a forum, http://www.myptsd.com , and reading posts from other sufferers was like an eureka moment for me, ‘I’m not alone, I’m not isolated, and I’m really not crazy! This is normal! All of these behaviours are my brain’s way of protecting me!’ In the end (this took a long time) I accepted that I have to be thankful to my clever little mind for coming up with all these ways to protect me, my well being and my safety.. Us human beings are so damn complicated and complex but when push comes to shove we react in very similar ways, I would really recommend for you to have a little read on there and explore this concept some more!

Michelle, nice to hear from you as always! I’m still settling in, work is sooooooooo busy at the moment but at least it keeps my days flowing! I am looking forward to the heatwave this weekend, 31 degrees in London on Saturday, say what?! We are having a housewarming party on the day too so I am really looking forward to seeing all my friends. In a sense I almost can’t believe I’m actually looking forward to it, as you may remember I had been very isolated for the last year so getting out and ACTUALLY enjoying it is all woah for me right now! Nonetheless, I’m going with it!